Hoboken Mommy

Marriage is like a Half Marathon

2012-02-28T10:53:00.002-05:00

My husband and I are going to San Francisco to celebrate our 5th wedding anniversary. This five year milestone got me thinking of all that we had gone through. We had money struggles, family issues, career stress, and many other things. We are now in a phase of our marriage that is supremely pleasant. It's not perfect and we still bicker, but I'd say for the most part - we're happy and lovey everyday. It reminds me of something that I read in a runner's magazine about training for a half-marathon - when one is training for a half-marathon one has to think of the race in 3 separate parts: the first five miles, the second five miles, and the last 3 miles.

The first five miles are the "easy does it" part. The part where you want to run slower than you normally do - conserve your energy and keep a nice comfortable pace. Get into a rhythm. You need to save up your juice for the long haul. The second five years are steady as she goes - just keep a moderate pace. The last 3 miles are the home stretch where you can really fly. So how does this relate to my marriage? Or at least the first five years of my marriage since I haven't been married for 13 years yet...

   The first five miles of my training were the hardest.    I had so many dreams and wild ideas of love. We made a lot of big, huge choices when we really should have started off slowly because we had to pay for the cost of our rash choices. With running, I was consumed with getting "good" and I got runner's knee, heel pain, and an ingrown toenail. I couldn't run very fast. In fact, a friend of mine laughed when I told her my pace saying that a person could walk faster than I ran. I was scared. It was when every pitfall seemed huge. I didn't know if I would be able to make it on raceday - May 6, 2012 - and I almost wanted to back out because of the daunting challenge ahead of me.

   The same held true for my marriage. In the first two years we were living paycheck to paycheck. We made a lot of rookie mistakes - buying a home we really couldn't afford, moving away from all our friends, and Dave took a job for more money that he hated. We didn't have enough money to go anywhere or do much. We stayed at home and worked all the time. We started watching a LOT of tv series. This is the time period I remember watching Battlestar Galactica - all four seasons in like two weeks.

   Honestly, now that I'm looking back - why did we move away from our friends and take on a huge mortgage just as we were becoming new parents? It may work for some people, but it doesn't work for us.   We are city people. We love walking everywhere and having a short commute. Dave was then commuting an hour and forty minutes one way. Again, I know people do it, but we didn't like losing fifteen hours a week commuting. I personally was used to having co-workers, a big social life, and much freedom. After I had my lovely, adorable daughter - I was tethered to a kid, alone most of my days, and far away from friends.

   My husband had bought a home for us that unless I worked many hours - we couldn't afford. We couldn't even afford babysitting at the time, which made us dependent on my parents for childcare. I really don't like being dependent on anyone for anything, so this made me feel guilty. Not to mention anytime my mom and I had a disagreement, she would threaten to stop watching my daughter.   Whenever she has any control in a situation she uses it to get her way. It's not a judgement - it's just what happens. I know many people who use circumstances to manipulate their way. I know it's not the worst situation in the world, but as many, many moms can attest - it was a big upheaval and it took its toll on our marriage. There were other stressing factors at the time as well, but these were the major issues.

   The third year got better when we moved back to Hoboken. We found renters for our old place and rented a tiny one bedroom apartment four floors up. We all crowded together in a small bedroom with Mikayla's crib in the corner, but we loved it. We were in a fun city again and near our friends. However, all our childless friends were still going out to places that we couldn't go with a child and babysitting wasn't in the budget. After months of still feeling lonely in a crowd, I went on the internet and made new Mom friends from an online group that met up in Hoboken.  With my Mom friends - our inexpensive playdates and trips to the park made me feel supported and fulfilled again. Then Dave got a higher paying job and we began to pay off lots of loans.  Life kept getting easier, inch by inch.   When the car loan and credit card bills got paid off - we were able to take a vacation. We went to London. We never had a real honeymoon because we hadn't had the money, so London was our honeymoon - and we had a marvelous time.

   When I reached 5 miles in my training for my half-marathon - my runner's knee went away completely. My toenail stopped bothering me. I was able to finish my run with no leg soreness the next day. I started gaining confidence that I could actually finish this race. When I reached 7 miles in my training I hit another wall - I was sore, exhausted and my leg - around my hamstring and left side of my knee started feeling twitchy. I had run farther than I ever had before, but was now experiencing a new pain.

   Similarly, Dave and I are now living in a larger apartment. We're working on getting a mortgage adjustment. We are not reliant on my parents anymore for childcare. We have paid off even more debt. We're now ready to think about having a second child and I'm going back to school to start a new career in web development. I had been tutoring before, but that wasn't really a long term source of income - it was just something to do while I was a mom and looking for a career I could love. Well, spontaneously we both agreed that I should try web developing when a friend of ours told us that he had been offered a remote job in web development. It made a light bulb go off in my mind - I want a remote job too! And a lucrative one that didn't require massive schooling or degrees. I have always loved computers and wondered why I didn't think of it before.

   Eight weeks later - I have studied web developing - love it - and am registered for a web certification program in the summer at NYU. Dave bought me my own new laptop and I'm studying daily, so I can be super prepared when I take my course.  By early next year, I'll have my first job. In 3 years, I could be working remotely as well and home with my second baby (and a nanny). That would mean no loss of income and a career that I could really get into.

   So we approach our second five years in marriage with a renewed confidence and foundation of strength. Even though our savings aren't overly high at the moment - we decided to really celebrate our marriage and all that we had accomplished. We really have become prosperous relatively speaking. We're still in progress with our marriage and I am in progress with half-marathon training, but I know these next five years will be amazing. The last three years we'll be in a groove and prosperous. I know we'll finally be living abroad like we always dreamed. Our plan is that Dave also takes a pay cut and gets a developing job as soon as I'm making a decent salary, so that eventually we can both work remotely and we can go abroad and live in another country while we earn American salaries. That's the real dream!   We are treating our first home as a rental investment and plan on buying more places in Hoboken that we can rent out to others. Maybe we'll live in Italy, Germany, Argentina, or Thailand for a while....

   Well, now I'm just going off on a fantasizing tangent...

P-R-O-G-R-E-S-S

2012-02-10T16:31:00.000-05:00

I'm back up to running 5 miles again. That was the farthest distance I ran last year as a beginning runner and I am BACK! Whoo hoo! It only took me 7 weeks of training - not bad. I'm basically just running when the schedule tells me to, but I'm hoping someday my legs look like hers. (see above) That would be wicked!

I also started learning web development. I had been praying for years to find a career that I would truly love. Something that was creative, engaging, and lucrative. It could possibly give me freedom of location too - Dave could also go back to developing and we could both get remote jobs and live somewhere elese for a time - like Munich, Bangkok, or Buenos Aires!

I got the idea when I was walking down the street two weeks ago when I suddenly thought of the movie Hackers...then thought how cool it would be to know so much about computers. Then our friend, who happens to be a very good web developer, told us how he was offered 2 jobs: 1.) As a remote developer which would allow his family to move back to Europe, 2.) A very lucrative offer that would allow them to get a summer home.

I thought to myself how many possibilities there were as a developer - you could make a website and make money on any idea you had. So I told Dave my idea, which he loved, and he told me what book to get and has been helping me learn for the past 2 weeks. And I LOVE it - it turns out it is really something I would love because I'm studying everyday and can't wait to learn more. It ties into the running too - since I've been training for the half-marathon I really understand how to progress past plateaus and difficult humps in my progress. Not to mention I always feel great after a run - my confidence and endorphins are fueling my studies and basically everything else too.

I used to worry what would happen if Dave ever died - how would I support my family? I feel a relief knowing that I could be making a very decent salary within 6 years. My future isn't as dependent as before and for that I'm extremely grateful. I pray that I succeed in this endeavor.

Running into Problems

2012-01-26T15:52:00.000-05:00

I'm on week 5 of my training for the half-marathon. I now have runner's knee and heel pain. It is a challenge to run! I know a lot of people have these issues come up, but it feels like some people were made for running and others not. My bowed legs and over pronating feet don't help, but I refuse to give up. I got the orthortics and even ordered knee support. According to the reviews - the people who ordered it also had runner's knee and overcame it with the knee support to run a half-marathon.

Then today I experienced heel pain for the first time. I ran 3 miles on the treadmill - not even a long distance - and certainly nothing I haven't done before. Jeez.

   I've been doing spin and zumba classes regularly for a long time - and I never feel pain. Running really gives the body a pounding. The articles online all talk about injury happening mostly when the body isn't given enough time to heal or when the intensity is increased too rapidly.   Maybe training for this half-marathon in May is too soon. I think I should push it to September so I don't hurt myself.
Then again, I don't want to give up so quickly. I've only been running for a month though - and I'm feeling so...achy. It feels not normal or good for the body.

   I'm going to do my body a favor and not increase the distance or speed for a week. I'll just take it easy and rest up with more cross training like spin. I'll wear my knee and heel support as soon as I get it too. We'll see.

The Power

2012-01-18T17:33:00.003-05:00

I'm listening to The Power, which is the second book to The Secret. It's really good and it's been making my days really happy lately. The whole premise is that if you want to attract what you want in life - you must stay in a state of love and gratitude as much of the time as possible. It's a win/win situation to practice this way of life. If one is always focusing on what one loves about a situation or person - even the negative ones - then one becomes happier even if the circumstances don't change. BUT - one will attract a better situation as a byproduct regardless within time.

I completely 100% believe in the Secret and use it all the time and if you don't - I wouldn't read on because my blog might just bother you. Anyway...my church and many different ideologies teach this in different words. Basically God or Spirit is the energy of Love, so being in a state of Love is being connected or aligned to Spirit or God. Even in my Vipassana meditation they teach similar things. We focus on purifying ourselves of sankaras that which agitates the mind. If we remove all that agitates the mind through meditation - we will be ablt to stay in a state of love and happiness. My husband is finally doing his first 10-day Vipassana meditation retreat this year! I'm so excited for him. We're doing it together and it will my 4th one.

I 've also been training for my half-marathon. Another book I'm reading Spark, talks about how cardiovascular activity relieves stress, anxiety, helps memory, brain function, etc. It definitely feels like this has been the case. I'm listening to this podcast that does a walk-run program. It's made such a difference in my running. I ran 2.5miles the other day - much slower than I used to last year, but hey - I did it. I'm being very encouraging and loving with myself this time around. I only want to finish the race. I don't care if I run fast or if I necessarily run the entire time. I know I set a huge goal for myself. The next time - then I'll shoot for running the whole time. The whole loving, positive approach (courtesy of The Power) is helping my running, relationships, and overall goals. We've had a bunch of fortunate things happen since practicing the Power and it's been miraculous!! I can't put them on my blog yet, but as soon as they're done deals - I will tell all! A few things are happening that are amazing... :)

After I finish this half-marathon and then do one more - I'm going for the NYC marathon. Somewhere in between I'll have my second child. And then...triathalon - with the team in training. I have a fear of water - proper breathing with swimming has never been that comfortable for me, so I'll have to get some private lessons to learn how to do that, but it's on my bucket list. While I'm blogging - let me just say that I also plan on climbing Mt.Kilamanjaro, dancing in an amateur Tango competition, and learning to surf as well. All on my bucket list!

Half-Marathon

2012-01-12T18:17:00.000-05:00

I was toying with the idea of trying a half-marathon in the next few years - after I got pregnant and had my second baby. When I mentioned it to my friend Dana, she said, "I find it best to just plan for things. Just sign up for the race and the worst that can happen is you lose your registration fee if you find out you're pregnant. I couldn't argue with the logic in that, so I did. I would have been way more bothered if I didn't sign up for it and then didn't get pregnant. So now my only issue is - if I don't get pregnant I have to run 13.1 miles.

   How hard can it be to get up to 13.1 miles by May 6th, 2012? I have no idea. I ran for a few months last year and went from zero to five miles. I thought that was pretty good. Granted, the 5 miles were only reached twice and one of those times were on flat land. It was really hard when the run was during a race that had hills and 80 degree heat.

   Then I just took the last year off of running to heal my lower back problems. The pain has been greatly alleviated and I can now work out without being in pain for days afterwards - even though it's not 100%. I'm not sure if it ever will be.

I just resumed running over the last 3 weeks. Very slowly at first, so I could ease into it without injury. I ran 3 miles today - slower than I did last year, but I did it. I'm surprised - muscle memory is amazing.   My right knee is aching a little though - so I have to increase my mileage very gradually.

I guess the worst that can happen is that I end up walking a lot of the race and finishing last - I'd really prefer to run the whole time, but I don't know if I can do that within 3.5 months. Dana said it's more about the mind than the body. Really? Is that true? Well, 13.1 miles seems like a HUGE feat for me. I've never been overly athletic - I'd say I've always been decently fit.

   Another thing is I may...just may find out that I'm pregnant in 2 weeks. For the first time in 7 months - I actually hope I'm not.

Dec. 28, 2011

2011-12-27T16:11:00.000-05:00

I haven't written in such a long time. I haven't felt like I had much to say. I hate writing "filler" just to get something out. But today for the first time in a long while I feel like sharing again. This last month we've been doing a lot. Dave and I went to Aruba - my first Caribbean island together. We don't travel all that often so everytime we go somewhere we're super excited. It's amazing how clean and bright the water is in other parts of the world. At the Jersey shore it always looks a gray-green near the coastline. We spent 5 days lounging in the sun, jeeping around the island, and going in a jeep around the island. Our friends had a destination wedding there and it was spectalur! They had events leading up the wedding: cocktail hour, BBQ, and land or sea excursion - all free for the guests.

About 100 people went to the wedding and we were friends with about 30 of them. It was so great to go on a group vacation with everyone. Aside from Vegas and Miami - which had about 10 people - I've never gone on such a huge scale group-vacation. We are going to do this more often.

After we came home, we went straight away into busy errands. Our nephew had a baptism, Dave got LASIK surgery, so I had to take care of him and my daughter while I worked in between. Then Christmas came and we spent the weekend with the family, which I love doing. Dave has a nice big family, so it's like a big party every time there's a holiday or special event. I saw my older brother, but it's much more quiet at my house. That's why I plan on having 3 kids (I think). Don't mark my words - I say that now, but I may be done after two kids. I have to see how I handle two.

The end of the year brings on the time of reflection like it does for many people I imagine. What's happened this year? Every year I think this year will be so great and so much will happen - and it always does. We moved from a 550 sq ft apartment to an 1100 sq ft one. We're finally on the basement floor where no one gets mad if we're loud. We have a back yard which we hardly ever use when it's warm because of all the mosquitoes the foliage attracts. This spring we definitely have to cut back those plants. Two nephews were born into the family, which is great especially because it's more fun not being the only one with kid. My daughter started school and we are no longer dependent on my parents for babysitting. So now they love getting her on the weekends that we want to go out. We're very lucky. A lot of our friends don't have that option - we realize raising kids could be a whole lot harder. Church has been great - we keep meeting more people and deepening relationships with current friends. All in all - we're happier than we've ever been. Every day is really happy and we have such a wonderful community surrounding us. We love Hoboken so much. We never plan to leave - we walk or bike everywhere. I love being active and moving my body around instead of driving. It feels good to get the blood moving.

I went back to the gym today after 3 weeks and ran for the first time in a year. I thought I'd be horrible and was loathe to see how I'd do on the treadmill. I only got up to running 5 miles last year - maximum! I was doing 5Ks and 4mi races fairly regularly, but I wasn't the fastest by far. My friend Julia and Sofia would always zip off and I wouldn't see them again until the finish line. I stopped running last year because my back would ache badly for days after a long run. I went to physical therapy for months - didn't get much improvement, but then switched to another therapist's office for a few months and haven't had much pain since.

Today, after my zumba class, I went on the treadmill with very low expectations - telling myself I wasn't going to be hard on myself this time. I set the speed low - even for me - and ran. I told myself I was only going to run at least 1 mile since I never ran that far to begin with - and push myself if it was tough. I ended up running 1.5 miles with relative ease! It was such a relief! I guess the body does have muscle memory and the cross training I did with zumba was enough to keep my muscles in some shape! I'll be back up to 3-4 mile races within two months I imagine. Thank goodness. Now that my back is no longer an issue I plan on improving my speed over time. I never really got to work on that last year - I was so busy trying to add mileage. I don't think I'll ever run half marathons like my sister in law. She's in amazing shape and runs 8 minute miles for 13.1miles. She's been an athlete her whole life. But I'd like to be able to run a decent 4mile race with a time at least under 9 minutes per mile. Nothing crazy - but a decent pace. My mommy friend from Mikayla's school said she ran all through her pregnancy until the 9th month. My other Mommy friend did zumba all through her pregnancy until delivery! Dave and I are trying for our second kid - I hope I can be as disciplined as they are!

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas

2011-12-06T15:30:00.001-05:00

Our first real Christmas tree! We bought it right on Willow St. We've also shown Mikayla the PortableNorthPole.com video in which Santa skypes to your child! Christmas is so much fun with kids. I never believed in Santa. My parents being from South Korea during the Korean war didn't really put magic up in their list of priorities, but my husband insisted it was the best few years of his life when he believed. So here we are - buying the tree and talking up the magic of Christmas! I have to say - her excitement is contagious!

I've been spending a lot of my time making new friends lately. It's actually time consuming. I didn't realize that with all my new free time I'd be lonely. All the other moms who already have their established routines and circles - are running on automatic pilot. I'd been only hanging out here and there when I had time. I'm out of the loop. It takes time to develop real friendships and a lot of putting oneself out there. I've found a great bunch of new women, and moms with whom I'm starting to feel a bond - really great energy, kind women. I don't know which friendships will deepen and continue and which won't go anywhere, but I'm happy to be building a community of good people in my life. Cutting back on work was the best thing - I'm so much happier than before. We're living much more simply and I'm cooking a lot, but it's all worth it. I feel more productive in ways that matter to me.

I started teaching Mikayla how to spell. Only a few words so far, but she's getting better at remembering. It took me a full week before just to get her to remember her name, Mom, Dad, Cat, and Dog. I think she grasps what I'm trying to do because she's picking up speed. We are getting her a sled, bike, and swim lessons for Christmas too and starting her in all these new activities after the holidays. My parents always discouraged physical activity and always pushed school work, so I"m happy to be balancing out Mikayla with things I consider valuable too. Studies have shown that regular physical exercise is more effective than Prozac in relieving depression.

Mikayla has also had this phlegmy cough that hasn't gone away in 3 months now. I'm starting to get concerned that she may developed breathing problems. We're doing the elmination diet and starting by cutting out all dairy products to see if that is contributing to the mucous problems. My mother-in-law was really worried about her not getting enough Calcium if she stopped eating yogurt, cheese, and milk - but studies show that there is no correlation to dairy consumption and ostereoperosis. In fact, countries with the highest rates of dairy consumption also have the highest rates of ostereoperosis. The countries that have the least are predominantly plant based in diet. Countries like Okinawa have the longest life span and they eat mostly rice, non-processed soy, and seaweed - eating meat only 1-2 times a month. Well, we'll see how it goes. It's tough to get all the dairy out of her diet since the school lunch always comes with milk. I may have to start packing her a lunch every day. I'm really resisting that idea because it sounds like a lot of extra work, but if it'll help my baby I'll do it.

Living a Simpler Life

2011-11-15T10:00:00.001-05:00

Fall in Hoboken is gorgeous. The red, gold, and orange fluttering down on the sidewalks as I walk with Mikayla to school are breakthtaking. Life has slowed down and we've been smelling the roses everyday. I've cut back on my work hours and can finally go to playdate in the park with regularity. I used to be so busy that I'd usually stay in during park hours because I preferred to catch up on errands or rest.

It feels good to have so much more free time to be with Mikayla. I also realized I was out of the Mommy loop with other Moms! I had so much free time now and no one to spend it with. In the last three weeks I double timed it and made new friends, caught up with old ones, and now playdate every week. It's good for both of us. I'm happier and she's happier. Mikayla is bonding with other kids - her 2 best friends from class - I'll call them Ally and Eric - are coming to her birthday party! It makes me so happy to see her holding hands with her friends and laughing. She's usually on the shy side, so to see her being so expressed with her buddies is amazing.

I even feel more like a Mom now - I'm more involved in her life and feel so happy lately - even though we're budgeting way more than ever before. Our life has become richer with simpler joys. We were never the materialistic types, but when one has to budget - we really saw how much we did spend on "stuff" and eating out. We did invest in bikes - for the purpose of having fun without having to drive everywhere and spend. So we considered it an investment towards the simple life. We've been biking everywhere since - mostly to Target so we didn't have to lose our parking spot on the street. :)

We're going to continue to simplify our lives even more and start enjoying simpler pleasures - we already started with the bike rides to the park, walks, cooking together at home, and going to church events (Hoboken Grace) and connecting with our spiritual family. Dave and I feel so happy lately we just keep saying it to each other. Life is so good! We both decided too - that we're never leaving Hoboken. This is our home. We truly love it here and we'll figure out what to do about school. It'll all work out for the best. It always does!

A Bad Day turned Good :)

2011-10-19T10:30:00.001-04:00

‎"But I call to God and the Lord saves me. Evening, morning, and noon I cry out in distress, and he hears my voice. He ransoms me unharmed from the battle waged against me, even though many oppose me. " - Psalms 55:16-18

"Live in harmony with one another; be sympathetic, love as brothers, be compassionate and humble." 1 Peter 3:8.

   I was having one of those days yesterday.    I got enough sleep but felt very tired, unfocused, and sensitive. You know those moods that seem to attract the slights of people and it gets to you when you know it wouldn't on another day. It was very "poor me."

   For example, I was driving through Hoboken and stopped at a stop sign, then edged out to see if I could go ahead. Another car quickly comes up to the intersection and stops because I'm still edging out. The woman in the car looks annoyed and drives through the intersection looking at me and pointing to the stop sign.   I had stopped. It's not easy to see if cars are coming unless one edges out.   Typical driving day in Hoboken - I often hear people honking and yelling at each other on the streets. Some people think aggression is the only way to handle things.

   I haven't had as many tutoring students as usual too. A slow schedule always stresses me out. This time I'm really trying to let go and have faith. If I'm in a slow business period - then I can use this as an opportunity to work on my faith and ease. I can't always let myself be so stressed when I can't control something. It's pointless.   We've cut back on our spending.   We had to take a break on the Tango lessons which makes me sad, but we promised that we would practice one hour every week - all the things we did learn already until we resume.

The one thing that has been a shining light through all my days - has been church and my dinner group. I'm making the most amazing friends. The authenticity, kindness, and spiritualness of these women are inspiring. It's the safest space to be oneself and I don't feel as alone anymore. I love the friends I have now, but we don't talk about our spiritual beliefs much. I love when I'm troubled by something, they quote scripture and empathize in a way that tells me they really care and are listening. They are all committed to forgiveness, compassion, and not judging. We talk openly about real things that we're dealing with too, without the ego or hiding to look good. I feel like I've been looking for these kinds of people for a long time. I found many people like them in Landmark too, (I heart Landmark), but the spiritual element in this group is something I really cherish.

   So the scripture I had written in the beginning was something a group member of mine wrote to me when I posted in our facebook group that I was having a down day. :) It lifted my spirits and the rest of the day turned out better!

This Week

2011-10-14T14:53:00.001-04:00

This last week has been up and down. I'm not getting as much work as I usually do and we have to find tenants to rent our townhouse. I always get stressed around money. I have memories of my parents struggling and fighting over money badly when I was young. I read in my dinner group book, The Purpose Driven Life that God gives us problems so that we can grow and become more Christ-like. We have to ask ourselves, "What am I supposed to learn from this?" versus trying to pray for God to take it away. God gives us situations that challenge our love, humility, or faith - so that we may develop it. Well, I think in this scenario I'm supposed to learn faith and patience. I'm certainly building up a tolerance to standing in the unknown and it is extremely uncomfortable. On a good note - my sister in law is having a baby today! I can't wait! I'm am so excited to have a niece or nephew (they actually were able to withhold from finding out the gender - massive self-restraint) and shower her or him with tons of love! Before the baby is born - let me just say that I'm betting it's a boy. :)

The Flu, Fall, and New Actions...

2011-10-06T15:08:00.000-04:00

I just had the flu for the last 2 weeks - sheesh! When I get sick, I really get sick. Well today I'm finally feeling like I'm really on the up and up. It was good though to take these last two weeks to slow down and do a lot of puttering and aimless activity. I'm usually the type to feel anxious without too much action that I consider "productive". Not that it's such a bad thing, but to feel anxious with a slower pace and down time really is more like a low level of "fear" driving me on that I'm working on. The Europeans don't feel anxious and guilty when they have their siestas. They savor and saturate in life more - whereas I think in America we're conditioned to look at downtime as laziness. Just thinking out loud though...

Well, I'm still reading "The Purpose Driven Life" with my church dinner group and the daily readings are really sinking in on many levels. This week it talked about how God really only cares about two things - how you love Him and Others. How loving others is more than just giving them things or silently loving them to yourselves, but really showing them - by supporting them in whatever way you can: with your free time, acceptance, acknowledgement, forgiveness, and/or support. I really thought about that this week. It reminded me of "It's a Wonderful Life".

The whole movie is about George Bailey (Jimmy Stewart) and how he never really gets to do what he planned for his life. Life keeps sidetracking him and he can't help but help people and follow his heart by doing good. As a result though - he never travels like he wanted to - and ends up running his father's bank in his hometown and having 4 kids. Then something bad happens (I won't give it away) and he starts to angrily complain to God.   He's shown by God what life would have been like if he had never lived.  He realizes that all these good things happened because of him and without him - many lives would have been ruined. George was really a pivotal person in the town. He also realizes when faced with the thought of not having his family - he'd have been miserable and he was truly happiest with the life he had now.

   Well, this reminds me of my life. (Naturally) I think about how I never could decide what to do in college and how I never could bring myself to chase after materials or prestige. I just don't consider those things very important.   I don't think it's wrong to have nice things - who doesn't like them? But I really care most about people and being a spiritual person in this world - trying to contribute to making it a more loving, forgiving, accepting, and giving place.

The Purpose Driven Life has inspired me to feel ok about just wanting that and not something else. For a long while I felt like I should want for grander ambitions, but truth is - I just don't care about that. I don't want to ever go back to school or succeed at some high power thing. I just want a big, loving family, friends, and community to love, cherish, and support. Of course we all need money - I still want to gain my financial freedom, but the urgency or fear driving it has dissipated.    My reason for it has become different.   Now I just want to do things that support others.

   For example, we decided we'd definitely keep out townhouse and rent it out. And in the near future collect more rentals to rent out - it's a way to contribute to the community by being great landlords. Not the usual, stereotypical types who renters don't like. And I'm more than happy to continue teaching SATs and write my SAT eBook - to further help people in their education. Basically, I want all my actions to be about contribution. Not about me, my ego, or just about money. You know?
It feels good to have it this way. I feel closer to God and more connected to my heart and spirit.
Anyway, that's all for now...Happy Fall!

Purpose

2011-09-23T12:05:00.000-04:00

We're reading "The Purpose Driven Life" in church and discussing it in our weekly dinner groups. It couldn't have come at a better time. I had never heard of this bestselling book before. It is speaking to me because Warren says a life focused on God's plan is a simple one. In my dinner group we discussed how activity is not necessarily productivity. Many of us who don't know our purpose - try to keep busy and keep jumping from one thing to another. A purposeful life is much more focused and peaceful.   Just knowing that makes me feel more confident in my choice to slow down my schedule.

   I'm not crystal clear about my purpose in life, but if I were to say what i guessed it was - I'd say it was a few things. Creating a loving family committed to personal and spiritual growth is definitely one. I feel that all the things I've learned in my life - will help my kids get a much bigger head start than I had - and they in turn will go out and help others in need of guidance in ways I never could. Evolving - is what I hope they'll share - with themselves and others.   My mom and I talk a lot about life, God, and Purpose. She tells me she's amazed at how much more I knew than she did at my age. I think that's the point. I don't think i know so much, but she told me all her mistakes and what she's learned - it's much easier to go second.   And I hope it'll be even easier for my kids - so they can take on even bigger challenges.

In one of the sections of the book, it spoke about a Russian man who was living in Communist Russia. He said God spoke to him while he was in the subway. All of a sudden he was struck with the thought that, "Without God, life is meaningless."   At least for me - this is true.    In these last two weeks that I've slowed down, started reading this book, and attended my dinner group last night - I feel connected again to my spirit.   I have the urge to have a second child and to spend really good quality with my family.

A woman in my group shared about her close brushes with death and sickness. She said when you can't get up out of bed and even brush your teeth - then life becomes really simple and focused on only that which truly matters.   I feel myself slowly letting go and clearing out my schedule for only things that really matter the most in preparation for my next pregnancy. When I was pregnant with Mikayla - I had maybe 60% of my normal energy. I was working and planning a wedding while being exhausted all the time. This time - I've been preparing for a slow simple life. I've cut down on my work hours. I've saved up almost enough money so I don't have to work during my last trimester and first few months after my baby is born. I'm debating whether I want to keep my gym membership.   I've seen a lot of women go to the gym 4 days a week while pregnant. I was too tired to do anything but walk around when i was pregnant, but then again I eat much healthier now and I'm in better shape - so ...we'll see.

   Family is part of my purpose. Loving others and being loved - is a part of it all. Now that I'm not listening to my mind as much as my heart and spirit - I'm not as afraid as I was before about ...anything. I'm not stressing about retirement or making a mark in my career. I am just listening and following my purpose with God's plan - one day at a time.

Happiness

2011-09-12T12:46:00.000-04:00

   I just got a reality check. A few things happened - I went to a bridal shower yesterday with my friend Alia and she told me how her and her husband had traveled to California with the intent of moving there. They didn't like it as much as they thought they would. Then they visited Rhode Island and again was disappointed.

Alia said, "Then I saw this poster in a store - it said, 'Happiness is a way of travel, not a destination. We realized we wouldn't be happy just by going someplace new. It was how we were living everyday and who was in our lives."

Then they found and rented a home in a little beach town of NJ where Alia said they could walk everywhere, bike, and surf. Not to mention it had great schooling for her son.

Alia and her husband Marc have always been people who do what they love. They're artistic, creative, and intuitive. They never really worry about money, but they do well and good things come to them.   I felt inspired hearing about what she was up to. They just do what they love and put their quality of life first vs chasing after the next missing thing - which is what I've been doing these last few months.

A cliche statement of happiness, but one that I'd forgotten. I've been so worried lately since hearing my parents and extended family weren't doing well financially - that I became obsessed with the idea of making more money and fixing myself, so I could care for them in the future.  I was taking personal growth courses, committing to a church leader training, working part time, trying to launch my health coaching business, and writing an ebook. In and of itself - this isn't a bad thing, but I was losing my balance and my clarity of mind. I drank espresso everyday, then wine every night to wind down. I was getting exhausted. I wasn't able to listen to my own intuition about what was the next right step to take.

   After I realized what was happening and that I was getting stressed and exhausted by my own mind - I stopped and cleared out my schedule to make room for things that empower me and give me clarity - instead of spinning my wheels in the mud trying to get to something just beyond my reach. I had taken on too many obligations in a desperate attempt to fix my fears and myself.

   This realization happened on Saturday night. In the last 2 days - Dave and I started to get all the other loose ends handled - the ends that we've been neglecting because we've been too busy before. I told my pastor I'd have to do the church leader training next Spring after my current personal growth program completed. Then I decided to launch my health coaching business next Spring as well. I even stopped writing my ebook - until October, so I could spend September meditating and praying on what I am to do next. I heard Gandhi would meditate for weeks sometimes before making a decision. He would never act rashly - much to his colleagues' dismay sometimes - he'd always wait to hear from God.  I stopped drinking espresso today and am drinking a lot of water.     I cleaned the apartment and cooked a healthy dinner. Hadn't even cooked much in months.

   Then Dave told me he went to church and heard the best sermon. The story of Joseph and his brothers - how they sold him into slavery because their father loved him best. Then he was thrown into jail because he would not sleep with the wife of his master, so she accused him of rape.   In jail he had a dream of famine that warned the king and he was freed from jail and made into a respected advisor and ruler.

Genesis 50:20
"You intended to harm me, but God intended it all for good. He brought me to this position so I could save the lives of many people."

   It got me thinking. I need to listen to where I am to go and what I am to do - not chase after. I am spending this month in prayer and meditation. I'm also spending it by enjoying myself and getting my life handled to create a clear foundation to create what's next.

Dave and I are in the process of a shortsale with our townhouse too. We no longer have childcare except for what they offer as AfterCare at preschool, so I have cut back on my working hours. We really couldn't make the payments anymore. We already had been saving basically no money because everything we made was going to bills and other expenses.

We're taking care of our well being and our quality of life.

1st Week of Preschool

2011-09-08T22:06:00.000-04:00

Mikayla started preschool this week. It was hectic! First off, I usually wake up at 8:30-9:00am. Now I'm getting up at 6:30am so I can get myself ready and then get her ready! Luckily, Dave is getting up earlier with me to help out. The first night I got 5 hours of sleep and the night after I got 6 hours. I do not function well on little sleep! I know Dave can, but I despise it with a passion.

   On the bright side though, I love getting her ready for school with Dave - it's so "family" like in the tv shows. I get her little snacks ready and her backpack while Dave gets her to drink her vitamins and eat her breakfast. Everyday I ask her what she did at school.

"Draw and paint."

"Yeah? What else?"

"Ummmm, cooking with toys. Read stories."

   It's so damn cute. I know it sounds mundane, but it makes me ridiculously happy to see her at school and happy.   Although I've been running out to Starbucks every morning to get espressos just to function. Next week she starts full days at school which leaves me more time to nap if I need it.

   I'm looking forward to having a second child.   I just really hope I can make the at-home income happen so I can spend every minute enjoying it this time instead of rushing back to work after 6 weeks. I wish we had a childcare system like in Europe. My European mommy friends always tell me how they get paid to stay at home for 3 years with their kids!

Stay at Home Working Mommy

2011-09-01T12:51:00.001-04:00

I finished coaching the Self-Expression and Leadership program at Landmark Education. I had a great summer, met many people, and grew a lot. Our community was one of inspiration, love, and possibilty. I feel closer and more open with them than many people I know in my life.

I'm ready now to make my career and financial goals happen. I always had it in my mind like "I want it, but..." versus "I can do and have it now." I feel confident now that I can do it. I've been wanting to work solely from home for a while, so I can have a second child and stay home. I went back to work after 6 weeks with Mikayla and stopped breastfeeding. I don't want to do that this time. I want to stay at home with my kids and witness every minute of their lives.

I launched the website for my new holistic health/weight loss coaching business - http://www.feminineweightloss.org/ - a 6-month coaching program focusing on eating healthy, living balanced - and as a byproduct losing excess weight. I'm focusing on busy women between 25-45years old. I have two women signed up for a health history consultation and plan on advertising more after I get my feet wet.

I officially quit my network marketing business with Market America. I thought the business model was great and the health products were awesome, but I found it challenging to find others who weren't resistant of selling products. Selling the products myself was easy because the products got results. I plan on still selling them with my coaching business. My two friends are very successful in the business and live a life full of residual income and free time, but it wasn't happening for me. I chose to put that game to rest for me. I'll find another way.

Tonight, I'm going to check out another business. Yeah, I'm just a fan of residual income businesses - Probably in part because my mom was extremely successful at it when I was young. She made 6-figures, made her own hours, and got flown all over the world for free. The other part is because I don't know anything else that can create residual income that doesn't require saving money just to invest it into properties that may be risky. This is lower risk in my mind. My mother and father-in-law checked this new business out and said it was much better suited for us because it didn't involve selling products, but having people switch their gas, electric, tv, phone services over for a better rate - and earning residual income. Sounds good so far - I'll see for myself tonight. I'm going to use the expereince I gained with Market America to be more discerning this time.

I am also writing an eBook to create income - according to the Four-Hour Work Week by Tim Ferriss - selling information is a great way to create residual income. There's no harm in trying - and it's a weight loss book which supports my coaching business anyway. Stay tuned!

I'm just committed to having a lot of free time in my near future and not trading time for money. I don't want to work until I'm 75 which is what my parents are doing. I don't want to see my husband work 50-60 hours a week. I know some people can't imagine not doing it, but I don't want that for us. I see how stressed and tired Dave gets and I want to relieve him from that. Sure if he was doing something he loved it would be ok, but still - I don't think there's ANYTHING that either of us love so much that we would want to work that many hours. It's just our personal preference. If you like that - then go for it. I wouldn't even want to tango for 60 hours a week and I LOVE dancing, especially tango.

There are people in the world who are financially free and working the four hour work week. So if I keep working towards that, then I can do it too gosh darn it! :)

What then? Well, all I want is to dedicate my life to making a difference for others - at my church, Landmark, and my kids - wherver I feel moved to go. I know I do that now, but I want more time so I can also be at all my kid's events, lounge, and sleep in everyday. I also don't want to scrape a living. Right now we live comfortably, but we don't save much. My parents (72 and 76 years old) don't have their mortgage paid off or money to retire. I'm thinking we'll have to support them once they can't work at all anymore. I think that's another thing that puts the fire under my ass. I care tremendously about providing well for my family.

I'm creating a life in which my family can travel three to four times a year, be at all our kids' events, live very comfortably, sleep in everyday, provide fully for my parents, and retire early from a "job" with residual income. It's already happened - I'm just stepping into the future one foot at a time.

Heaven is for Real

2011-08-09T17:48:00.002-04:00

   I've been concerned about my Dad's health lately - ever since I learned he was not telling me the whole truth about his eye. (See earlier post - 3 posts before this one - he has macular degeneration)  I felt a strong urge to listen my audio book of Heaven is for Real in the car yesterday on my way to work. I had started reading it a few months ago when I bought it, but the sound of the reader's voice had annoyed me. When I played it again yesterday - for some reason his voice sounded fine to me. Maybe it was timing - I was supposed to listen to it now?

   If you haven't read it - the gist of the story is - a 4 year old boy named Colton died for 3 minutes while having appendix surgery.  His appendix had burst and been leaking toxins into his body for days before they realized what was wrong and had surgery. Against all odds and with many ministry people praying, he recovered. His parents would later find out that Colton had visited Heaven, met Jesus, and many other people. Over the next 3 years Colton, in bits and pieces, would reveal more and more things about his journey to Heaven - things he couldn't possibly have known if he hadn't really gone. For example, he met his unborn sister who had died in a miscarriage. His parents had never told their son about her. Colton had also met his great-grandfather Pop. When his parents showed Colton pictures of his great-grandfather, he didn't recognize him. His parents were puzzled until Colton said that no one in Heaven was old. Then his parents showed him a picture of his Pop as a 29 year old man and Colton recognized him instantly even thougg Pop had died before he was born.

   Anyway, reading the book came at the right time. I was getting morbid about my Dad, feeling that his time isn't too far off. Not necessarily that he'd die anytime soon, but that he may not be able to enjoy time with us from being bedridden or something.   Knowing that my Dad will definitely go to Heaven and be happy as a young man with my sister Patricia, and grandparents makes me feel happy for him.

I drove down to my parent's house and asked them to go to the beach last weekend on impulse when other plans didn't work out. I had never gone to the beach with my family before, except for once when we went to Hawaii when I was 14 years old. I wanted to make some new family memories as soon as possible. My parents, daughter, and I had a lovely day playing with the waves at Long Branch. It was a sunny, 80 degree day with a nice breeze that kept it from being too hot. Which was good because my parents came fully dressed wearing pants and black shirts. I told them they really needed to bring a bathing suit next time. But Mikayla loved playing in the sand with her two favorite people in the world. Her two favorite being my parents - not me.

I asked my husband to book us a mini vacation this month because I couldn't remember the last time I'd taken a vacation with them. They'd never gone anywhere with Mikayla. Dave booked us a trip to Newport Beach, RI. :)

"I think God looks at our love.

God has everything,

he does not need anything,

except for our love and extended hands."

- Akiane

If you don't know Akiane is a young girl who had a spiritual transformation at 4 years old and started painting and drawing her visions from God. (www.Akiane.com) She painted this portrait of Jesus and when Colton saw it - he instantly said that was Jesus. His parents had shown him many other depictions of Jesus and had said that they weren't Him, but to Akiane's painting, Colton had exclaimed instant recognition.

Again listening to this story in the car today made me feel very present to God and Heaven. I realize even more so that all I can do is love my Dad until he goes.

He got annoyed with me today because I wanted Mikayla to spend the week with her other Grandmom and not him.

"I want Mikayla to come stay here with us."

"I want her to stay with Susan (my mother-in-law) This is a very important age for her physical development and you feed her unhealthy foods that I've asked you not to give her."

   "No, I ate all that diet yogurt. There's no more."

   "It's not just that. You don't give her the multivitamins. You don't feed her vegetables.  You give her that Korean soda and white bread all the time."

   "You're a bad daughter!"

   He handed the phone over to my Mom and huffed off.

"Mom, this is important. I'm in nutrition school now and I know now more than ever how bad the stuff he feeds her is. She can't have aspartame, sugar, high fructose corn syrup, and white flour all the time. Susan feeds her really well. She eats vegetables and her multivitamins."
"I agree with you. Do what you have to do."

   Honestly, I'm hoping what I'm saying sinks in for him too. Those foods he eats aren't good for developing kids and now I have to schooling to back up the knowledge.   And I keep praying he'll turn his own health around and live with us in strong health a while longer.

2nd Email to Dad after much more thought and clarity

2011-08-02T00:09:00.001-04:00

I thought about what I'd said to my Dad. The next day I decided to write him a second email. I still had to be very straight with him, but this time I had more compassion and felt understanding. Here's the second email.

"Ok Dad,
   I just want to support you. I don't want to try to make you be how I think you "should" be. I just want peace and love between us with whatever time we have left together - whether that's one year or twenty. Even if you want to continue to eat sugar, simple carbs, and the high fructose corn syrup that comes in that Korean sparkling cider - and worsen your diabetic symptoms which worsen your eye - it's your choice. It's your life and body. I don't need to react all the time and cause more suffering. You're going to do what you're going to do.

   I was afraid of you dying an early death or becoming debilatated. Now I realize that it's out of my control. I accept that you make your own choices. So you just tell me how I can support you and I'll be there for you."

   Bottom line is - arguing with him to eat healthier wasn't working anyway. It just ended in me getting frustrated and him not listening. I'm done with that and just want to be there in the way that he wants me to be there. I'd rather just enjoy my time with him. God, if you want me to do anythign else - give me a really, big, obvious sign. A sign so clear that I can't miss it - and i'll hop to it.

Writing to my Dad

2011-08-01T11:35:00.003-04:00

"Your dad has macular degeneration in his right eye."

"What?"

"Yeah, at least I think that's the term your father used. Macular degeneration. That means that he'll eventually go blind in that eye."

The words punched me in the gut.

"He's been getting treated with shots and surgery for the last year. He told me that he was getting better."

"He told us he's already not driving at night, "my father-in-law said. My mother and father in law had had dinner with my parents the other evening.

    My mom told me a few months ago, "The doctor said that Dad was a borerline diabetic, but he still drinks those sparkling ciders that have sugar."

   My Dad's turning 76 years old now and nothing I've said seems to be making a difference in the last few years. He still eats white rice, white bread, and sparkling cider with sugar.  I prayed to God last night.

   "Do I just accept that it's his life to do with as he will? Or is there something I can do or say that might make a difference? I'm so afraid that he'll get worse and become debilatated. I don't know what to do. Please tell me if i'm supposed to accept this because I'm tired of arguing with him every time i see him.  Should let him eat in a way that causes him eye problems and diabetes - it's easier than this frustration and resentment I feel towards him for not caring as much about his health as I do."

   The next morning God told me in an intuitive thought that I should just write to him. It's the only way I can speak to him and be sure he'll get most of what I'm saying.   He reads better than he listens.   So I wrote...

"Dad,
   It stresses and worries me so much that my own father has these two serious conditions. It's like watching someone you love slowly kill himself. I spent last night praying to god to please guide me. I don't know if I should be saying something or just watch you drink those soda drinks with "high fructose corn syrup", further causing damage to your body in silence.

   A piece of me says, "Why?". Why would someone knowingly drink something that further worsens his diabetes? Why? Why does he still do the same things over and over that aren't good for him?

   Why does you eat things that causes your eye to worsen?

   I feel so sick and sad today because I feel helpless about it.
I want to move away so I don't have to watch you get worse.  I hated that Larry told me at lunch the other day that you have macular degeneration of the eye. You told me it was getting better. I had to find the truth out from someone else. It was so painful hearing about your health that I couldn't sleep last night unti 2am. I don't want to argue with you. Believe it or not I hate fighting and just want to be happy and peaceful with you, but I need to express what's there. The only thing i can do is write to you."

   Writing the email and writing in general is the only thing besides praying that's made me feel better. My mom told me the other day that he told her I'd written him, but he didn't say too much about what I'd written. I'm just praying that some of what I wrote reached him.

Midsummer Night's Blog

2011-07-15T10:59:00.008-04:00

Dave and I have been having such a happy summer. We're getting the hang of Tango (at Triangulo in NYC) more and more. We're learning cool, spinny moves. It's definitely one of the harder dances I've ever learned. I took salsa lessons last year and that was so easy compared to this. Tango is so much more rewarding though. I can't wait until we look like the people we see on Tuesday nights at the Milonga (defined as the event where tango is practiced). But I know I have to be patient. Tango just can't be learned within a few weeks. It takes at least 7-8 months just to look proficient. At least that's what our teacher told us.

It is such a pleasure to dance with my husband. It's just as wonderful as I imagined it would be - so therapeutic for our marriage. Having your husband know how to move you around on the dance floor is sexy. The footwork is so fancy. All the leg swishes and such. Today was our first class at the advanced beginner level. (one class up from beginner level) Already we learned turns, leg swishes - I don't remember the actual name for them. Within 5 more months - I'd say we'll be ready to actually dance in front of people.

   I've also been going to church (Hoboken Grace) and really enjoying my experience there.  My friend Lia recommended this church to us and we loved it right from the start. The people are warm and authentically welcoming.  They are genuinely the most friendly people and I felt right at home with them. This is the best church experience I've ever had. Other churches have had a good atmosphere, but to be biased - there are so many people in their 20s, 30s, and 40s - which is personally great for us. We want to make lifelong friends of similar values.

    We've been going for about 5 months now.  They've had a dodgeball event, game night, picnics, and prayer walks. So many fun, bonding events to meet other spiritual people! I joined a dinner group for women on Thursday nights and already adore the women there.  Such an openess that you don't get from most people right from the start. As the weeks go by and we get to know each other more - I'm feeling hopeful that these women will become my good friends. The conversations are authentic and bonding. We've already shared a lot of personal things and I'm happy to share my love of God and spirituality openly with women my age without feeling weird that I'll sound weird or turn someone off.   Which is a concern of mine sometimes. Not here though, these women speak way more candidly about their experiences in life where God has touched their lives and I'm feeling my hesitancy to speak about it slip away. Sure, I talk about it on my blog sometimes, but I have a certain amount of anonymity here. I've always wanted to talk about it to people directly.    Can't wait until Dave gets to go. We're alternating weeks now and it's his turn this week. I want him to feel supported too. The guy who leads his group seems really cool.   That's all for now...

Happy 4th of July!

2011-07-04T09:35:00.016-04:00

   Happy 4th of July! Summer feels like it's going by quickly. We've been so happy being outside and having the sun go down at 9pm. I'm trying to savor all of it. Warmer weather just makes people happier. Dave and I have been so busy with personal growth courses, church activities, Tango lessons, making changes in our career, and life.

   The tango lessons are going well. We are both enjoying it. I am also taking a Burlesque dancing class this Thursday being taught by an acquaintance Zoe Charles. She's the founder of The Cheek of It - http://www.thecheekofit-burlesque.com/.

   I've been working on my niche for health & lifestyle coaching and have narrowed it down to my two favorite subjects that I've mastered: weight loss and femininity.

The masculine approach is: DOING, aggressive, assertive, dieting, deprivation, restriction, portion-control, cutting calories, supplements, depriving, and exercise

The feminine approach is: BEING, Sensuality, pleasure, desire, wisdom, caring, nurturing, creativity, and intuitive.

We live in a male dominated society and since women have entered the work force it's been a challenge to balance being a woman and trying to succeed in a man's work world. It's confused most of us. I believe that balance is key. I've tried the masculine-based approach in career, school, dating, and dieting - it works, but it's so exhausting. Back then I felt like feminine was weaker and masculine was stronger. I was so wrong! Six years ago I took Mama Gena's School of Womanly Arts (http://www.mamagenas.com/) and opened up my life to a whole new way of being - Feminine.

   I don't try to control or force outcomes anymore with masculine determination - although I do utilize elements of masculinity - I use the feminine which is to allow for things to happen more and invite them in vs chasing after them. I appreciate and go with the flow more. I let go of control nowadays. The funniest thing is that I get more of what I want by letting go!

   It's the same with weight loss - I do have to be conscious when I eat - I don't go binging on chips and tiramisu (often). But by being present and using feminine ways of eating I don't even want to! My weight has stabilized and I don't even need to watch it anymore. I used to take obsessively take classes at the Club H gym 5 days a week for 2 hour minimums which is good, but I didn't have the time for it and would get stressed out if I had to miss a workout and feel like crap. I was driven to do it for fear of not looking fit and getting fat. I let all of that go. Now I get my most exercise from things that don't occur as exercise like Tango, zumba, and walking. The time zips by and I adore what I'm doing.   Sure I'll probably never run that marathon I wanted to last year, but my back would ache from doing it and I've decided to listen to my body and accept that it doesn't like long distance running on concrete and prefers dancing to good music and especially with a loved one.  I only do about 30 minutes of calisthenics twice a week with the 4-Hour Body Method (By Tim Ferriss) and I feel fit and look just as great as I ever did. As a busy working mom - this fits my lifestyle much better and with more pleasure than the driven , fat-fearing, looking good, masculine Mom trying to do it all before. This is more authentic to me and life has become easier.

Be more, do less. :)

Tangled Up?...Tango On

2011-06-09T23:03:00.003-04:00

I've wanted to learn how to tango since I was a young girl - I think 14 years old to be exact. Ever since I saw Al Pacino dance with Gabrielle Anwar in Scent of a Woman. I still get teary eyed when I watch that scene. Something about the tango, and dance in general, is so passionate, romantic, and expressive. I've always felt that what I couldn't say with words could really be expressed through dance.

Dave and I have had something missing in the romance department lately. I know it's a common issue between married couples, especially those with children, but I wasn't about to just be complacent about it. It was getting bad. We would work, come home, run errands, care for our daughter, go out once a month maybe, and sleep. Oh, don't forget zoning off with tv. It wasn't completely unenjoyable, but I'd become more present to the missing romance whenever we'd see a movie with a couple who were so in love that they just had to be with each other. We used to be like that.

I had to do something about it. I registered us for tango lessons in NYC. Triangulo. It was my anniversary present to us. I asked Dave to move one of his assisting evenings at Landmark Education to another night so we could start having date nights on Tuesdays when Mikayla was at my parents' house. I have no idea why I didn't think of this sooner. Sometimes ideas just don't come until they do, you know?

We had our first tango lesson with Carina last Tuesday night. The deep red room on the third floor had a wall of windows facing the street. It looked like a simplified Argentine ballroom. It had a bar in the back left corner, chandelier type lighting, and mirrors on the left wall. The back wall had a mural of a crowded scene with tango dancers.

Carina is an attractive, slender, and toned woman. maybe 40? She has strawberry blond hair with pretty blue eyes framed with dark lashes. She was wearing a deep red sleeveless shirt that came up around her neck in a sexy fashion. She had on capri black pants and black dancing shoes. There were seven other couples in the room of various ages from thirties to sixties. Every woman was wearing heels like me. Perfect for sliding and turning on the floor.

Carina welcomed everyone.

"We'll start with the tango walk!"

The tango music played and we walked to the music. Carina demonstrated first. It was sensual and provocativo. One doesn't just walk across the floor. One's ankles and knees must caress each other with every step.

Next we learned how to hold our partners. The woman must lean into the man at a slight angle so she knows how to follow where he goes. We practiced walking together to the music.

Dave was being very gentle with his leading. I couldn't tell where he was going to step next. Our feet hit into each other whenever he changed directions.

"Dave, can you be more forceful? I can't tell where you're going next."

"Really? You want me to be like this?" He starts moving with more aggression - joking around by being exaggeratedly forceful. But, suddenly I knew where to go.

"Yes, exactly!"

"Wow, really? I was kind of kidding. I thought it'd be easier for you if I lead more gently."

"No, this is good. I can feel you now. Just not so fast."

It seems to me an intuitive thing to dance with a partner. I have to be leaning in and present to the pressure of the male partner's body at every moment. I have to be pliable, willing, and depending on him to know where to go next. It's so...feminine in nature. He has to be very masculine. It is very sensual. I liked following - it feels like being taken care of. In our everyday life we're pretty equal. I liked the sensation of being feminine and trusting his lead. It's sexy.

Carina taught us a few steps so we could dance around the room. I picked up the eight counts of steps pretty easily. The music played again so we could practice.

One..Two..Three..

"Stop trying to lead, " Dave said.

"Well, you're not doing it right."

"You're making me not do it right because you're leading."

"Ok fine. I'll just go where you lead, even if it's wrong."

Dave started dancing around the room, trying not to bump into other couples. I just followed. It was working and we were dancing in sync.

"You're good at following."

"You're getting better at leading."

The hour zipped by very quickly. Carina said we were doing well. Dave and I had such a great time. We laughed and made jokes the way we did whenever we took some sort of class together. We don't usually do that on our routine nights at home. This is the start of a very romantic hobby we can do together for the rest of our lives. :)

(I also told him we had to enter amateur competitions in a few years. That would be SO fun!)

It's all about Tim Ferriss

2011-05-24T14:22:00.001-04:00

"Dave, you should let me date Tim Ferriss. I heard he dates multiple women at once,"I said.

"What? No."

"It'd be for us. An education from the master. Think about it." I smiled.

Dave shakes his head, smiling. He's just jealous. He wishes he could date Tim Ferriss.

Dave and I are obsessed with all things Tim Ferriss (Author of 4 Hour Work Week and 4 Hour Body). I want to follow him around and be his groupie. His book - 4 Hour Work Week, which I'm almost finished with - is not only excellent and rich in business strategies, but also funny and ingeniuous. He gives methods of how he became one of the "New Rich" - from selling products with no monetary investment of his own to hiring virtual assistants from India (YMII - Your Man in India) to do all of his errands while he sleeps for $10/hour. He's a character - he's a Guiness book world record holder in Tango, a kickboxing championship, and a Mobile Lifestyle poster child. He is a character.

We're attempting to implement all of his life and business strategies into our own life. I want to be him. I would even give up being a woman to morph myself into him. Of course, these things take time, trial, and error. Dave has already started doing the exercise routine that Ferriss recommends - losing body fat and gaining 20 pounds of muscle with only 2-3 short workouts a week. I hope he gets the results. :) I'm focused on the business side of it. I plan on dropping some weight and getting a great ass later.

I've started on my own eBook attempt - Ferriss says information products are the most difficult to copy and the lowest investment. His book became a bestseller because yes it is excellent, but also because he market tested his ideas and marketed it into all the right blogs. (A process we completely intend to copy.) Ferriss highly recommends biting off of others - as long as it doesn't legally violate any laws - why not? Why reinvent the wheel?

I will have to meet him soon. We're going to have a drink together. :D

Buenos Aires?

2011-05-20T14:03:00.001-04:00

Dave and I are reading 4-Hour Work Week by Tim Ferriss, recommended to us by our other friend Dave. In it - Ferriss talks about creating income that you can earn remotely from any location in the world. You can work while you're on the beaches of Argentina or Indonesia. He mentioned that if one could achieve this income - there are places in the world that are much cheaper to live than in the US, such as Thailand, Berlin, Munich, and Argentina...

Could we relocate to Argentina? It's funny that Argentina was one of the countries mentioned as relatively safe and very affordable on the USD. I've always had a passion for the Argentine Tango and told Dave that someday - we had to learn Tango together and dance on a beach in Buenos Aires. I've only taken 1 month of lessons in my life, but it's always been a great yearning to master the dance.

Dave and I don't need to be millionaires. Ferriss says that no one really wants to be a millionaire. They want what they think having a million dollars a year brings - freedom to pursue interests, travel, comfort, and security. Some people just want the prestige as well. Dave and I have spent the last 5 years working long hours either at our jobs, around the house, or raising a child. We want to travel, but have put it off because we kept working towards building assets, paying off debts, and monthly expenses. What if we could be making less money than we are now and living just as well - in another country? Learning spanish, tango, and another culture....Hmmmm.

http://www.fourhourworkweek.com/blog/2007/03/30/how-to-live-like-a-rock-star-or-tango-star-in-buenos-aires/

What's Good and New?

2011-05-17T20:27:00.001-04:00

   I haven't been writing on this blog because I keep thinking that when I sit down to write - it has to be this long and somewhat profound thing. Which I know not all my blogs are. So here I am - and I'm just going to write whatever. I've been studying for my first exam coming up soon in late May - Integrated Nutrition stuff. I'm supposedly going to have my basic certification for coaching in July and I don't feel ready yet. I'm hoping I will feel ready in July. I do feel like it's getting easier and easier to be healthy and stay naturally thin without watching what I eat for the first time since college.

   I'm also coaching at Landmark Education again. I adore doing this - we have a really funny coaching team this time around. We spend a lot of our time being inspired and laughing. I can't pick a better community of people to surround myself with. Sheer joy.

   I'm also learning about Macrobiotic diets vs Raw Food diets - and I am quite intrigued by both. I can't even decide. I'm toying with the idea of creating a meet up group that partners in doing a 21-Day Macro/Raw challenge - in which we'd support one another in staying on a strictly Macro or Raw food diet for 3 weeks - having potlucks to support each other and swapping recipes, etc. I'll go into more detail about the diets in my next blog - but both are fascinating! The way they impact the body and heal. I'll tell you this - the concept of possibly only needing 6 hours of sleep a night and staying more youthful is definitely tempting in the raw foods diet. However - I love my whole grains and fish - and in the Raw foods diet - those are not a part of it. More in detail later....

Finally Moved In

2011-04-23T22:55:00.001-04:00

   This move was one of the most arduous I've ever done. We've moved five times in the last four years - and this one definitely seemed the longest and took the most work. Thank God we had some of Dave's friends help out. It amazes me how generous and good people can be. Dave doesn't even see these friends all that often, but the second he needed help they were there for him. You don't find quality friends like this very often. Well, lucky for them - we are appreciative and reciprocating. Karma - what you put out comes back to you. :) Rain or shine - when they call on us we will be there for them!

   We are a few to do's away from being complete, but they are the big things. The backyard looks like the last tenants had one last big frat party. There were beer cans, old clothes, McDonald's wrappers, and cigarette butts strewn about.   Gross. Not only do they smoke and eat fast food - they litter! Ugh.

   Also the living room is really dark. It's a basement railroad-style apartment, so it's to be expected. But we're installing an acrylic glass block in the living room wall bcause on the other side is the second bedroom. The transparency of the blocks will allow light to come through the bedroom into the living room, but is opague enough to give the second bedroom privacy. The landlord already gave us the green light to do it!

   So, it's going to take another few weeks to finally be moved in, but at least we won't be moving for the next 4-5 years. We got a good deal for the amount of space we have. We have 1100sq feet - with a private backyard, which in Hoboken is a very hot commodity.

   Happy Easter to those who celebrate it. We're taking the day off tomorrow from everything - and sorely need it!

21 Day Vegan Challenge

2011-03-30T23:49:00.002-04:00

I've mentioned in some of my last blogs that I was on the 21-Day Vegan Challenge. I officially finished yesterday - and I'm really happy that I took this challenge. It wasn't easy. I was vegan for a few months about three years ago and it was difficult because I didn't know how to make many meals. I was eating the same things over and over and eventually got so tired of it that I quit. I also got a lot of pressure from my parents and other relatives to eat meat. I felt like I was having to explain my choice to eat vegan every time I went to a family event.

   I went vegan after reading Skinny Bitch. I was in a Barnes & Noble one day and the title caught my eye. I leafed through a few pages and was hooked. They speak in such a frank, down to earth way with an edge of sassiness and no-nonsense that appealed to me. For instance they said said no to excessive drinking on Pg.12, "Of course it's easier to socialize if you've had a few drinks. But being a fat pig will hinder you, sober or drunk. And habitual drinking equals fat-pig syndrome."   No nonsense and frank. I loved it. I needed to hear it like that.

   It also really wasn't about being skinny. It was about being a healthy, eco-conscious person that as a by-product would become a more slender weight.   I also learned that by eating organic and not supporting meat and dairy industries - I'd be helping the planet live in a sustainable way. I won't go into the details, but not only would I look and feel better, but also the Earth and nature would be in harmony with agriculture.

   Like I said - then my lack of vegan cooking knowledge, pressure from family, and cravings for meat led to fall off the wagon. Until now. I really took this on to be supportive to my colleague in Landmark and also because I was always meaning to restart eating mostly vegan again. I was tempted the most to eat meat during the first few days. My body was asking for pizza and steak. I also had sugar cravings and had many vegan cupcakes and carrot cake while I was on the 21-Day challenge. I quickly cut that out though. I realized that I was on this challenge to be healthier and to eat all this sugar wasn't doing it.

   Luckily, I'm in the program at The Institute for Integrated Nutrition. They had cooking dvds and recipes for people of all different diets - veganism being one of them. The Healthy Cooking dvd with Andrea Beaman is so good and easy to follow. I recommend ordering it!   She covers all types of meals - vegetarian, vegan, fish, and meat - but it's all healthy and the food looks really fresh and appealing. I hate those cooking dvds where the food doesn't look good.   I learned how to make a lot of dishes and really committed this time.

   I did accidentally eat some foods that weren't vegan. There were eggs in my favorite healthy pasta's ingredients. I never knew. I started getting into the habit of reading all labels thoroughly and saw it for the first time. So I tacked on another day to the challenge to make up for it. I really wanted to do a full 21 days. Another night I was so exhausted I ordered a pizza from Grimaldi's and ate two and a half slices. I felt bad about it the next day, but at the moment I was eating it - I didn't care. I have to say - normally I can eat four slices of that pizza, but eating vegan made my appetitie shrink. I ate less and felt satiated. I slept less and felt more awake. I also began adding in juices. I have a juicer and occasionally I make juices from apples, celery, kale, ginger, lemon, carrots, and/or lemons. They taste great and I feel great afterwards. I had been slacking on them for the last few months because I don't particularly like cleaning the machine afterwards, but with my new energy - I felt compelled to juice!   I also discovered that beets taste great in juice! I found the juice recipe on a classmate's blog - http://www.thegfpseudovegan.blogspot.com/

The Juice Recipe
Beets
Celery
Carrots
Apple (If you add more apples - it becomes sweeter and tastier. I like to add 2)

     My weight stabilized again. I am reinspired and renewed in my committmemt to eating vegan. Ok, so now that the challenge is over - I intend on eating mostly vegan/raw foods. I will occasionally eat fish, eggs, and cheese. I just will make that a once in a while thing and not a daily thing like I used to.   I have to say though - just being vegan is not healthy. It's eating organic whole foods and way more vegetables. In the beginning of the challenge, when I was eating sugar and drinking alcohol - I still felt tired.   It really matters also to eat enough healthy proteins and to take a good multivitamin to get B vitamins, which aren't found in vegan foods. I take the awesome multivitamin that we sell as a business. Isotonix multivitamins - which have no artificial ingredients or hydrogenated oils like in other leading brands. It's also in powder form, so when mixed with water it has 95% bioavailability. It has no binders or fillers to digest, so the body absorbs all the goodness. You can get it here - www.MarketAmerica.com/Hoboken. It's high quality stuff.

   Well, I'm restarting the challenge so I can further commit to learning how to cook vegan and raw meals. I am also planning on doing a 5-day juice fast. I hear it does wonders for cleaning the body and in particular the liver of toxins.   I'll juice fast right before the summer for bikini season. :)

Busy, busy

2011-03-24T09:36:00.034-04:00

   We've been crazy busy lately - all with great things, but still....busy. When it gets to the point where Dave and I feel like we've just been going nonstop for days on end - we get really burned out and unpresent. We make careless mistakes and start bickering over with each other just to loose some steam.  Last night we decided to have an impromptu date night. We needed it. It was hailing outside and cold. I was so exhausted that I even cancelled on my Moms' night out, which I adore. That's saying something. I officially refused to do anything else around 7:55pm. Dave and I ordered Grimaldi's pizza - which is AWESOME if you live in Hoboken, try it. I even broke my 21-day vegan challenge diet because I was craving Grimaldi's so badly. Sense and reason left me. Of course today I felt badly about it and restarted the whole challenge over again even though I was on Day 18. We even ordered wine to be delivered to us from Sparro Wine. We refused to go outside and do anything. Pure slack was the theme of last night. Then we gorged ourselves on delicious pizza and Sauvignon Blanc - from Marlborough, New Zealand - delicious! Then we popped in a movie, Unstoppable. I was so not into it though because it was all stressful. The whole time they were trying to stop a runaway train. That's so not what I thought it would be about. I was tired and happily buzzed by then. I laid down next to Mikayla while she watched Hercules.  I drifted off to sleep next to her around 9:30pm. It was exactly what we needed last night.

Why are we so busy?

   We're in the process of trying to get our new apartment ready before we move in: painting, installing shelves, etc.   Dave started his leadership training program which is a two-night a week committment. I'm in Integrative Nutrition school and still finishing my community-project leadership program. Of course we still have work, Mikayla, and our personal lives. We need to get better at managing our time - balancing work and relaxation. Like I said, it is all really fulfilling and great stuff that we're happy about. We wouldn't stop what we're doing. It is a big eye opener as to how we manage our time and our well being. I notice that I cannot drink wine and expect to be energetic the next day. I can't keep eating sugary foods like cupcakes and ice cream while I'm busy to give me a lift because it turns into a vicious cycle where the more sugar I eat, the more quickly I become hungry again. Little habits that we can get away with when we have the slack time - don't work when we need to gets things done efficiently under a timeline.

   We're both doing things that really fulfill us and give us crazy hope for the future. Dave is being trained to effectively speak and lead in front of groups of people. He's also learning how to be an effective leader in his life. I'm just finishing up my community project and leadership course. I've been trained to effectively start a community project and create results - which I can apply to any area of my life. My project was a collection for AIDS Orphans - specifically young girls. We donated girls' underpants to the school in Adigrat, Ethiopia. It's amazing how a simple commodity for us like underpants is missing over there.   Another woman in my course organized a showing of the movie, Chow Down in NYC at a hotel ballroom. Her project is called http://www.nycgoesvegan.com/. She is a animal rights activist and wants to make the world a safe, peaceful place for animals. She had 45 people in NYC sign up for a 21-Day Vegan challenge. I am in the process of being in the challenge as well. I'm on Day 19 - (I had to repeat the day I ate Grimaldi's pizza). So technically - I've been on the challenge for 20 days.   There were a lot of cool projects. We have about 50 people in our course and everyone picks whatever they want to - and then we get coached on making ut happen. It's been an inspiring, enlightening ride. The course is 4 months and we've all grown so much together over that time.

   I have a great feeling this year is going to be filled with so many good things. Miracles even. Then again, I always feel like this, but it does always happen like that. We have ups and downs and lots of great things that happen along the way. Maybe because I believe it will happen. Who cares right? It works. Anyway, back to my move and studying.

Ordering Online

2011-03-14T10:08:00.001-04:00

Dave loves to order things on amazon. He likes to read reviews. The only thing about buying online is when it's the wrong item or it's not working - you have to ship it back and then order a new one. The whole process takes weeks. Our landline, a cordless phone with two bases, starting dying a few weeks ago. Then as time went on - it died more and more quickly - even after a whole night of charging. Finally, one day the died after ten minutes of use. We both have cell phones, but only a certain amount of minutes. I need a phone for a bunch a regular weekly calls. I have a coach in the current training program I'm in and for the Institute of Integrated Nutrition. That's 30-45mins a week. Then being a Mom - it's easier for my girlfriends and me to keep in touch regularly on the phone - that's 1-2 hours a week on average. In the last month I haven't been able to catch up with my friends because my minutes went to the coaching calls.

   Dave ordered a new phone one evening while I was cooking dinner. I yelled over my shoulder, "Make sure it's headset capable!"

   Our new phone arrived ten days later. It seemed an interminable amount of time. I'd been texting my friends, "I'll call you when we get our new landline!" The phone arrived, I'm excited to finally be able to contact the outside world again at leisure - and there's no plug for the headset or anything. I need a headset so I can do things, like cook, while I'm on the phone. It says on the box - "Hands free speakerphone"! With a toddler in the house, that's not even that useful of an option. Mikayla is loud and if she heard someone speaking, she'd start talking at the phone. Plus, we still live in our one bedroom apartment. I want my conversations somewhat private. I'm annoyed.

   "I asked you to make sure it had a headset plug."

  "I assumed all phones had them."

   "You didn't check?"

   "No."

   Ah, my sweet husband. I know I have my little ticks that annoy him, and this is one of his that annoy me. He's way more lax about getting certain things done. He can wait for days without a phone because he doesn't call many people. If he does - he can do it at work. He insisted on using the amazon gift certificate that we had, which I understand. But now I've been without a landline for a solid month.  Now we have to send the phone back. This process may take another ten days. Ugh! My minutes on the cell phone go quickly. I went over this last month already because of the lack of landline - just by a little. It was a $40 extra charge. That's half the cost of a new phone! Gift cert or not - the principle of it is bothersome. We can't just go to Best Buy and buy a new phone?

   This happened with the air conditioner. Again, Dave loves to read reviews before buying products, which I understand. It is practical. We ordered an air conditioner online in eighty degree heat last summer for our heat trap of a fourth floor apartment. When we got it - it didn't work!  It was two weeks later and we still didn't have one! Then we tried to find another one - a different model - and that didn't work either. I don't know about you, but sweating in heat makes me ornery after a few weeks. Practical or not I was getting edgy and wanted an air conditioner now. We only had air conditioning in our bedroom. Mikayla wanted to hang out in the living room despite the sweating. We would sit there sweating and have to go back into the bedroom periodically to cool off.   Finally, I flipped out and starting ranting, "I can't take it anymore! I can't stay outside all day!" Dave got one off of craigslist. After only a few days, we had a cool living room and the rest of the summer was a breeze.    This time as soon as I saw no headset plug - gift cert or not, I demanded we go to the store - which we did.

Moving Forward

2011-03-11T17:55:00.001-05:00

Lots of new things happening with our family. We signed the lease last week on a new apartment. (It's not the one in the picture above.) It's exactly the place we were looking for - minus the lack of a washer/dryer and dishwasher. It's a two bedrooms with private backyard and bottom floor apartment. The private access to the backyard is the real treat. We can use it whenever we feel like it! It's all ours! I'm already picturing a bbq, herb garden, and patio set. A bigger place though means higher rent - and this is the last year that I can work as much as I have been as a private tutor because in the fall, our little Sweetie begins preschool. I'll be limited to teaching on weekends. I'm not too worried about it though since I just started my first week at the Institute of Integrated Nutrition and am already focused on creating a business with it. We're going to need the extra income. I'm trying to come up with a name for my health coaching practice. Everything I can think of is taken. Any ideas? I'll be officially certified to start my business at the end of June - with my basic certificate. I get another my advanced certificate when I finish the program. I'm excited and also happy that I'll be slowly switching over into a career I'm passionate about. I'll even have a health newsletter, health seminars, and healthy potlucks with recipe swaps! Yum!

     Still of course I do have some fears coming up. Will I be able to find clients? I'll probably have to still teach on the side for a while till I build up a good clientele and referral base. Will I be able to manage doing all of it while having my second child and working as a teacher on weekends.  I feel like this period of the unknown always makes me a little anxious. Wouldn't we all love to have control over everything all the time?  My friend just told me she's pregnant. I am truly happy for her and slightly envious at the same time. This friend and I talked about how we'd love to be pregnant at the same time.  Due to school, being in the bridal party of a wedding in Aruba in December, and our current finances - we chose to wait one more year. It'd make everything in our life easier.  Contrary to anyone's beliefs - raising kids is a lot of work, juggling, and energy.  I've heard many people always say there's no "right time" - I do agree to some extent - but that doesn't mean that waiting another year is "wrong". I want to enjoy Aruba. Dave and I rarely vacation as it is. Not that I'm complaining - having Mikayla early on in our marriage was a joy.   But I'm enjoying being married and having a toddler who's at that great age when she's really fun and not too much work anymore.

   Well, I also took on volunteer coaching this community - leadership program. I've taken the program myself and afterwards we get the choice to coach the new participants of the next program. It's amazing training in getting a project of one's choice up and running. As a coach - I'll learn great skills that will help in my holistic health coaching business. I'm again - daunted by the time committment, but intuitively know that this is what I need to do next. These programs always leave me with an expanded capacity to accomplish more in my life, so even though I'm busier - I'm getting more done. Not to mention it's fun, rewarding, and empowering. I get to meet a ton of new people, get really close, and create a bond that lasts a lifetime. I've met so many great friends this way and people in the program are really openminded and down to earth. We talk about more personally important topics than I do with some friends I've known for years. It's a safe space. People aren't judgy. It's amazing how quickly and deeply people can bond through sharing common challenges and goals. Being honest is so freeing. Most of the time in the outside world I spend my time trying to flow along and not upset the cart. I only have a few people I can really bare all to without judgement. Dave and Melisa - my best buddies - always know where I'm coming from and give me the benefit of the doubt.

   Well, speaking of which - going out now. Going to meet my buddy Melisa.

Modern Family

2011-03-04T17:20:00.004-05:00

Does anyone else love the show Modern Family?   Dave and I love to laugh and we'll look for any reason to. We love comedy shows like 30 Rock, SNL, Family Guy, Simpsons, etc. Lately, we've become hooked on shows about families basically ever since we started our own. They touch on so many real issues in a hilariously, playful way that in no way is how it goes down in real life. Which is why we love it - it takes the significance out of real family drama.

   For instance, there's one episode in Modern Family in which the whole family is invited over to Jay and Gloria's house (the Granfather, his young trophy wife, and her son - they're on the left of the picture) for a barbeque and football. Luke, the youngest son of Jay's daughter Claire (in the center), says in front of the whole family that his mom, Claire, called Gloria a "coal digger". There's an awkward moment before Gloria gets upset and storms off because everyone knows that Luke had really meant that Claire said, "Gold digger."

   Claire tries to explain to Gloria that she said it last year when they had first met her and obviously since then Claire's gotten to know her and doesn't feel that way anymore. Gloria is a really good sport about it. She says she'll forgive Claire for embarrasing her in front of the entire family - if she jumps in the pool with her clothes on. Claire resists at first, but then does it to make peace.  Gloria and other family members get pushed in as well.   Everyone laughs. All is forgiven.  Imagine if we could all resolve conflict with such great sense of humor?   That's why I love this show.

   Parenthood is another of my favorite family tv shows. It's about a huge extended family - the Bravermans. There are four siblings, two brothers and two sisters who are in their thirties and forties. They all have their own families, children, and challenges. The show is more serious because of the challenges that each family faces, but the humor and rapport between the siblings and other family members makes the show lighthearted and fun to watch. I've always wished for a family with close siblings. I partially married my husband because he comes from a big family. He has one older brother and two younger sisters, so they have a similar set up to the Bravermans. They're all about two years apart, except for the youngest who is five years younger than the sibling above her. Whenever we have get togethers there are a lot of people now with their spouses, significant others, and soon - their kids. It's filled with a lot of laughter, teasing, and good times.

   My family is made up of my older brother, John, who is nine years older than me, and my parents. John and I were very close when I was a young child. He was my hero and the coolest guy around. He wasn't like most brothers who were a lot older than their little sister - he took me everywhere with him. People thought he was my dad. He would bring me to Broadway shows in NYC, Great Adventure, movies, and bowling. He influenced me a great deal. He actually had and still has a lot of dorky interests, which he'll laugh about to this day. However, I wouldn't like science fiction, musicals, Japanime, gaming, or ping pong if it weren't for him.

   I remember the day I realized that Dave started liking me. It was one day when I went to visit my friend Tina - he was her roommate in Hoboken at the time, which is how we met. I was sitting on the couch talking to my other friend Melisa, when he overheard our conversation. I was talking about personal growth and life coaching with Melisa, who is also life coach.(and a damn good one)   Dave's ears perked up and he joined in our conversation, mentioning that he'd gotten some business coaching himself in the last year and that's how he found his great new job in Hoboken.   We started talking about other interests and when I said I played video games - forget it. He promptly got up and went to go show me some video games he had. I smiled thinking to myself - I don't play anymore. I just meant that I have played in the past, but I didn't want to burst his bubble. He looked so excited to show me. :)

      I always promised myself that I'd have a bigger family so my kids would have the cameraderie that I see on Parenthood and with Dave's family. I wasn't as lonely as an only child, but I envied the kids in my class who had brothers and sisters nearer to their own age. They could talk to, share with, squabble with, and rely on each other. They were friends as well as siblings.  My brother and I drifted apart and stayed distant after he went away to college and until my late twenties.

   Now that I'm a mother of a toddler and faced with having more babies I feel daunted. Raising one child was a lot of work! We've been discussing when we want to have our second child and we've pushed it off until next year after we go to Aruba for a friend's wedding. I'm in the bridal party and really want to enjoy the vacation sans infant, since we rarely do it. Also because I'm in school nows - why overload my plate with school, work, parenting, and pregnancy? I know people do it, but I like having some downtime. I know myself - I'm not Type A kind of person. I'm Type B.  I like to be balanced.  No overwhelm.  No rush. What's the real difference? Four years apart? Five years apart? Right? At least we won't have to pay for two kids in college at once. :)

Miracles and Inauthenticities

2011-02-28T16:56:00.034-05:00

“There are two ways to live:

you can live as if nothing is a miracle;

you can live as if everything is a miracle.”

- Albert Einstein

So many great things have been happening in our lives - miracles. My coach, in a personal growth course (Landmark Education), said when you keep putting good things out there it comes back to you in another form. She said I had created a space for miracles to show up in. Well, we've had good karma up the wazoo over the last month! First, we had a relative in the family become ill only to recover miraculously after a month. During that time the entire family had been praying for him. Secondly, my mother and I are completely made up and talking just like we used to. Third, I love studying for my new career in holistic health. My mother-in-law, aunt, and I are even hosting a health event in May called, Spring into Health! (I'll post more about it as we plan the event.) Lastly, we got out of our apartment lease four months early and are now moving to a new, bigger apartment within Hoboken - on the first floor where Mikayla can run and jump as much as she damn well pleases!

Truly miraculous!

The healing was just a pure miracle. We can't even take any credit for that. God listened to our prayers for this beloved relative. He is one of the kindest, best human beings I've had the honor to meet.

The healing with my mother - now that was a hard earned miracle. I know that it happened because I was finally able to get off it with her and let go of my need to be right...finally. It's not easy. I know that bein right feels good at the moment. It's a little scary giving up one's point of view and just apologizing for one's own part. I mentioned this in a previous blog. It's almost like a fear grips you that if you apologize even without your own grievances being appeased - you'll somehow lose power and feel weak. Like you'd be condoning their actions. But that's actually not the case at all I realize. I don't condone her actions - I just took responsibility for my own part in it. It was to relieve me of having to carry around my self-righteousness. It was costing me my peace and my relationship with my mother. And all for what? So I could have the payoff of feeling right?

I am human through and through. My first survival instincts are to be hurt, resentful, and vindictive. Thankfully, I don't often act on them, but I do feel them. The only thing I can say is - as time goes on I'm getting better at not acting on my negative responses and better at waiting until I'm clear and in a loving space to act further. That's all I can really do. I don't think I'll ever stop being human, but I can practice acting in line with spirit as often as possible.

When I first got into an argument with my Mom all I wanted to do was tell my story where I was the victim and she the evil wrong-doer. I wanted everyone to agree with me. I did vent my first version of the story to my husband. He's my safe space. However, I should just get a punching bag, so I don't have to subject anyone to my initial upsets. It can't be fun for him to hear me vent.

Reacting like that never works, but it's difficult not to. I've started getting better at giving myself time to cool off before taking any actions. My golden rule is - try to be at least still for a little while. Next actions - if it's negative towards anyone, warranted or not - don't act on it. It's not the action I'm going to be happy about a few weeks from now. I know myself. I can NOT do that right away most of the time. But then it's better that I just back off until I can - and can do it authentically, not just because it's what I think I should. I need to feel it. I hate fake, but one can be polite still even while being angry.

I wrote some blogs about my mom that wasn't really fair to her. Some things I wrote were true, but a lot had a slant on it. Of course in my favor. A part of me didn't think anyone read this blog but a few close friends and strangers, but after hearing about my blog being critiqued in the Hudson Reporter - now I realize the power of words to hurt. I'm not as unknown as I thought. I need to be more careful. All my actions have impacts and I have to be responsible for them. This blog is not my diary. It's a very PUBLIC website that people can stumble upon. Another lightbulb going on in my world.

I just googled Hoboken Mom and my blog came up within the first few search engine results! I had no idea. Ignorant, I know. I've heard it said that the written word is powerful and I was careless with it. I apologize to my mother formally on this site and I did in person as well. I usually anonymize everyone in my blog with the exception of my immediate family. From this day forward however, if I don't have something kind or at least objective to say about another people - I won't. That doesn't mean I won't share about my struggles or negative things that do happen in my life. I'll just do it responsibly. Actions from love are the only actions that really move me forward in life.

My Public...I have a public?

2011-02-26T12:53:00.010-05:00

   I actually have people that read my blog. How cool is that? Well, it's not always cool - but I just discovered that not only did a reader give me judgemental advice on motherhood that I didn't take, but also he was so riled up at my blog that he decided to write a critical essay about it in the Hudson Reporter. Ha! He did say in his essay that I "write well", so that was goodm but then he went on to criticize my life choices and feelings as a mother. There were a few mistakes in his analysis of my blogs, which I felt I had to address. However, funny thing - a fellow mom of Hoboken already wrote back and gave him a piece of her mind in the Hudson Reporter the following week! Wow.  :)

   What happened?

   Well, it started with a blog I wrote called, "Neighbors and Hoboken" in which my husband and I learned that our laundry machine was bothering the neighbors downstairs.  The neighbors had complained to our landlord that we seemed to be doing our laundry "all the time". In my blog - I wrote that I clearly made a mistake in renting a unit on the top floor of an old building. I also made a few cracks about washing my clothes only after they'd been soaked through with sweat twice. I also wrote that I was very mindful of my daughter jumping and making too much noise. Basically we tell her not to jump in the apartment unless it's on the couch. He wrote that this was very "disturbing" and that I should move back to the suburbs for my daughter's happiness.  By the way - she goes to the park 5 days a week and has soccer classes.  She gets plenty of her jumping time in.

   My daughter has tons of fun in the city life and more than enough playgrounds to choose from - we had one dinky one in the suburb we lived in before. Also, I've had three other Moms talk to me of similar problems with noise and neighbors themselves until they moved into a unit with no neighbors underneath. Rookie parenting mistake. Got it.   She'll run and jump in our next apartment.

   When "the guy" originally wrote his comment I didn't take it very seriously. He gave me all sorts of advice. Like I should move back to the burbs and revolve my life around my spouse and child. He said it told him something about the strength of my marriage that I had to move back to Hoboken so quickly. Clearly he doesn't know Hoboken Moms - has he walked down the streets on a nice day? These moms are jogging with their strollers with their dogs. These women are diesel! An urbanized, educated, and powerful breed!   I was proud of my breadwinning mother and although I'm not the same - I don't care that my mom wasn't a stay-at-home.

   This guy said I was a stay at home parent. Error - I work part-time and have a side business.   He contradicts himself later by saying later that I must clearly have "no hobbies" and have transitioned from the bar scene to motherhood - which he credits as why I couldn't live in the suburbs. To that I have to say - I thought it was obvious that a hobby of mine is writing, amongst other things. Just because I have many hobbies doesn't mean I can't prefer Hoboken life. I mean, this city is awesome! The big city next to the little city - so dynamic and active! With a flood of resources for parents and their children.

   It just told me that one - he didn't get the whole picture and I didn't feel like explaining my life to some stranger's "disturbed" comment. Secondly - he didn't seem like a parent. So I ignored his comment. I didn't realize until this week when a relative of mine sent me a link to his critical essay that he'd criticized me in a newspaper. I thought my little blog was pretty much anonymous except for my friends.
   I'll post the links on the bottom so you can read for yourself.

   I've talked to many parents since then of all different lifestyles and all of us agree it's challenging to be a parent and find time for ourselves - but it's necessary to keep our sanity. I devote a great deal of my time to my daughter. It's 24/7 when I'm not at working on the weekends. Yes, I did have issues with finances. My husband reads all my blogs and encourages that I share and write. Surprise! I have a very egalitarian and progressive husband. That's why I married him.

   We're not destitute. We're very grateful of all that we have. And at the same time we know we want to take it to the next level.  We'd like vacations too. We'd like to have money to spend on lots of classes for our child too and to be able to throw her a big birthday party with games and entertainment. That's all. I'm not depressed about it - but I'd like it.

   The guy said we should move back to the burbs to save money - "cheaper and sensible" he called it. Well, even if we did it would cost the same amount of money.   We're spending nothing extra. The difference is - now my husband doesn't have an hour and twenty minute commute - he has twenty-five minutes. That saves him two hours a day - ten hours a week of life. And by the way - about expensive private schools? We plan on sending our daughter to the public Hoboken elementary schools that many of our parent-friends send their kids to.   In Hoboken we can walk to the park, city, zoo - all for cheap. I have tons of Mommy friends now whose homes I can walk to - big money saver - lots of pals for my daughter.

   A few of the childless people we know - have a much more idealistic view of what life with children should be like. There's just no way to really get what it's like everyday for parents years on end until you go through it. If by any chance the guy is a parent - than he's really hard on himself. I have compassion for him.  I hope he's happy with all these expectations on himself to give, give, give and do nothing for himself - and to want nothing for himself other than his basic needs met. Why just survive when you can thrive? Just because people are starving in other countries should we never travel? Just live in a hut and eat bread? Yes, I do want to vacation for my family. I do want a life outside of my children. I do want my own personal time. I know a ton of women, mothers, and men who want the same.

   Well, the guy ended by saying, "The blog by the Hoboken mom is a fascinating study of someone who assumes she is entitled to all the best all the time."

   Oh no! How dare I want good things in my life? How did wanting a separate bedroom for her daughter, so my husband and I can be alone at night and a vacation once a year turn into "entitlement to all the best"?   If that's a negative thing - than he's just criticized all of my friends and family.

   Bottom line - lots of people like to connect through sharing their challenges and frustrations thought blog or memoir.  Personally, it makes me feel like I'm not alone. I love reading other blogs that talk about how they overcame their struggles.  I use the insights to help me overcome my own.   I adore memoirs for that very reason. Eat, Pray, Love anyone?    That's why I'm sharing my life. I hope that by overcoming struggles and sharing my feelings I can possibly help someone else out there or just amuse them. If you don't like my blog and it makes you have inner "rants' as the guy says - don't read it! Why upset yourself? Unless you like being upset.

   It's not from a lack of gratitude that I strive to have a life that "has it all." It's from a desire to keep growing and expanding as a person. We're always trying to go to the next level and even if we were billionaires humanitarians we'd still look to see where we could further challenge ourselves. My husband loves my openness in my blogs. We both believe there is a certain power in having nothing hidden. He doesn't feel negatively because his wife happens to have a desire that he hasn't personally fulfilled. He wants those things too.
   By the way my husband, Dave has since gotten a new job and a new raise - great job honey! - and we will be promptly moving out of our 500 square feet one bedroom apartment into a spacious two bedroom on the first floor! Whoo hoo! I'm still working and growing a business on the side - and we are going on a nice vacation to Aruba for a friend's wedding in December! And my daughter is in soccer camp and loves it! She keeps asking to go back for more. We're in a drastically different place than we were last year.   I'm very, very grateful. I'm also positive it has a lot to do with the fact that we keep our goals at the forefront of our minds everyday. We envision, believe, and receive! That's how we roll in this family.

   The last and final part I'll respond to in this blog is that the guy said that I wanted to run a marathon (half marathon by the way) for "no real reason". Well here is the blog I wrote last year in which I stated - past tense - the reasons I decided to start running.

http://hobokenmama.blogspot.com/2010/03/run-cat-run.html

(My half-marathon training is on hold since I'm in physical therapy for my lower back. Will resume when I get the green light.)

   The guy questions my motives. Why run for no real reason when I could be devoting time and money to my children and putting that money I used for sneakers, pricey orthotics ($29) and gym membership into a college fund?  The fellow Mom who wrote back to the guy - she wrote, "She's trying to blow off steam in a healthy and contructive manner - wow, how selfish can one person get? She should be burned at the stake. By the way, distance running is the cheapest sport out there...the college fund will not be affected, I promise."

   She understands. She totally got why I was doing it. Also, I've met a lot of cool people by running - and parents. My mom friends and I love running together and our husbands support us by coming to our races with the kids. It's actually pretty great.

   Thank you fellow Hoboken Mommy - J. Berg! The first link is to her defense of a fellow mother. The second link is the guy. His name is on it. Despite all his negative judgments about me - I'm not going to bash him on my blog - merely refute the errors in his essay.   He knows not what he's saying. You get what you put out in this world and his karma will do more than I ever could.

http://hudsonreporter.com/view/full_story/7865405/article--A-response-to-Del-Priore%E2%80%99s-%E2%80%98Hoboken-Mommy%E2%80%99-essay-

http://palisademagazine.com/view/full_story/7780404/article-Hoboken-Mommy?

    This is another article about the guy - written soon after his critical essay. My friend found it online. It actually references the essay in which he criticized my blog.
http://www.cliffviewpilot.com/bergen/1866-exclusive-accused-stalker-who-took-1400-photos-of-high-school-girls-is-a-known-north-jersey-author

Family - Part 2

2011-02-25T23:03:00.004-05:00

"Resentment is the poison you swallow hoping the other person will die from." - Carrie Fisher

Yesterday, I was so sick and in pain with my throat aching, cold chills, and back aches - that I was actually thinking about death. What it would be like if my husband came home to find my corpse on the futon? What would he tell my daughter about her mom? Dramatic I know, but I was seriously hurting. The pain reminded me of this horrible flu I had two years ago. My entire body was aching.

Then suddenly I thought about my mother. What if I got a phone call from my brother telling me she had died? I felt instant pain and sadness with the thought of it. So much that tears came to my eyes. I felt like God was giving me a message with my sickness. Through it I was able to get really present to my love for my mother beyond my hurt with her. In that moment I was able to let go of my grievances - regardless of what I thought that my mother did -and just forgive. I don't want this whole He said, She said hamster wheel to go around in circles with both of us churning out reasons as to why we believe that we're right. From each point of view - we're both "right". Does it really matter in the end? It's only hurting both of us.

   I literally felt like God giving me the effects of my emotional poison right now in my body as a sickness. I felt sick because I was holding onto resentment. It was out of fear - fear of being hurt again and of being judged again. I was afraid to let my guard down. I didn't even want to apologize up until now because I imagined she'd use it as an opening to air out all her judgments on me and quite frankly - I wasn't willing to hear it. But after I thought of her dying and how I'd really feel - it gave me the will to do it anyway. Despite how she might react.

   Again with the dramatic I know. But sometimes a little heavy drama is what we need to wake up to what really matters. To think of the extreme cases. I still have resentment about how she talks to me. But at least I took responsibility for my part in it even if she never does. It really wasn't all for her that I did it. A lot of it was for me. I don't want to carry anger around with me anymore.  It doesn't feel good for anyone, but especially for the one who's angry. Now, we just need to communicate about how we communicate...eventually.

   It's still not complete for me, but I dread getting into another argument, which has a tendency to happen with her. It's so funny how easily we're triggered by family members. Almost like a freight train of emotion surging on ahead of our conscious minds.    It's like, "Wait! I was going to be completely zen and loving this time!" Crap - I'm annoyed and arguing again!

   I'll keep praying and asking to see what I need to see. Even if it means that I just have to accept what is.   I'm so grateful that God gave me the insight I needed once again. I actually feel less sick already. I know every relationship has it's trials and tribulations. It's part of life. It's whether I learn from it or not that makes the difference.

Family

2011-02-23T23:45:00.024-05:00

My parents came over today to take my daughter. I've been sick for the past two and a half weeks and even though I'm getting better - every time I over do it with work, daughter, and errands - I start to feel sicker again. Last night we went out to dinner and I had two glasses of wine. This morning I woke up and my throat hurt and I was weak. It doesn't help that Mikayla wakes up so early - I really need to sleep in.

My parents came to help me by taking Mikayla to their place until I feel better. Thank God for relatives that help. My mom and I have been on polite, friendly terms. She's definitely made it clear that she has boundaries though. If we discuss anything other than Mikayla or immediate needs - she tunes out. I mentioned I was back in school. She acknowledged it with a small nod and said nothing. Which translated to me, "I'm not over it yet."

   They brought over food even though I told them I didn't need anything. That was really nice. They show their love with food and help with Mikayla. When I saw that they had brought over non-organic fruits and processed pastry breads I said, "Here you can take this back. I'm not eating non organic produce."

   My mom's face flashed with anger. She said, "You really won't eat it because it's not organic?"

   "It has pesticides and processed foods lead to illness."

   She said nothing more and just looked annoyed.

   They don't take my food choices seriously. When I was six years old - I didn't like eating McDonald's hamburgers. I didn't think they tasted good. I remember my parents berating me and looking at me with disgust and scorn. "What kind of person can't eat a hamburger?" They tried to shame me into eating it and said I was being stupid. Ok, I get that they grew up in the Korean war when food was scarce and if a kid denied "non-organic" food they'd get a slap in the face. If I'm ever starving in a war or famine - I will eat the non organic produce and process breads. If not - I choose to go organic. Sometimes I have to really get present to how drastically differently we were raised.

   Her look still hurt though. I don't think any child wants to disappoint their Mommy - even if they are in their 30s. I felt those emotions rise up again. This is how my mother still talks to me - well, talked to me up until a month ago. She would flash looks of condescension at me whenever I disagreed with her and say things like, "Hmph, you just don't know any better."

   I know it's how it's done in Korea. Asian parents and elders are fully entitled to talk down to those younger than them, especially their children.   It's hurtful from my Americanized perspective. I often read this great blog called "Kimchi Mamas" - which often feature the disparity in beliefs between Korean parents and their Americanized children. Of course because I can relate only too well. Either party could be "right" depending on where you live. I've heard it said that "TRUTH" is nothing more than agreement. If you have more people that agree with you - you're the one with the truth.

   I don't know what the right thing to do is. I know I have to take responsibility for my part in it. It's never one-sided, but all I know is that I leave 20% of our encounters feeling bothered. There is some truth to the stereotypes people have of Asian mothers. Just go and watch Joy Luck Club if you don't know what I mean.

All I can do is keep praying to see what I cannot see at the moment about this relationship. What do I need to know? I told Dave what happened and the only thing he said was, "I can't imagine my mother ever treating me that way." When I'm with his family - it's like a breeze. So easy. Everyone speaks respectfully to each other and communicates - for the most part. I adore his family, in particular his mother. I've always dated guys with mothers I bond with. Most likely to make up for my own tumultuous mother-daughter relationship.

My mother is a very good, generous, and insightful woman. When we get along, we get along great. She has my back and is the most giving human being I know. She's also attached to being right and her opinions - which when you pit two people from vastly different belief systems against each other - or place one as a parent of the other - is a recipe for disaster. I've developed a sensitiveness to criticism and people-pleasing tendency to boot in response to this upbringing. I admit it. I also avoid very critical people like the plague in case they ever decide to turn their discerning eye upon me. I am an imperfect person with no desire to walk on eggshells.   Dealing with people like that ultimately leaves me feeling drained and resigned.

I have to work through challenges with my mother - no running away here. It's family and I know my mother and I have the best intentions for each other - covered over with a horrible mismatch of cultural beliefs. I have to keep doing my best to take the higher road and learn my lessons - and pray for guidance.

The things I look at are changing

2011-02-16T12:58:00.028-05:00

     Since learning about "primary foods" in the first module of my school iPod - I'm looking at my eating habits differently. Every time I reach for a snack - I'm thinking to myself, "Why do I want that now?" Strange enough - there is always an emotional response I'm trying to appease. When I'm tired or down and want to feel more up - I crave something sweet. When I'm actually hungry - I reach for a healthier snack. Right now I'm sick, so I just feel like eating bread. Carbohydrates are comforting.

   I'm also looking at my husband in a new empathetic light. His primary foods are all off!!

   Just to recap - primary foods are our emotional needs: Relationships, Career, Physical Activity, and Spirituality. Joshua Rosenthal states that people who don't have these needs met - could be the healthiest eaters in the world and they'll still be missing something that would bring true health.(If you didn't read my last blog - it's been shown that people who have a spiritual practice of any kind - yoga, meditation, religion - heal faster and stronger than those who don't.)

   Well, my husband is currently stressed at his job and worried about not doing well enough and getting fired. This pressure has been breathing down his neck ever since we got pregnant and bought the townhouse. We're currently renting it out to tenants so that we can live in Hoboken with all our friends.

He does have things that he likes and give him strength - he likes to go to church, but we haven't gone in a while because our church doesn't have daycare. He says he prays when he remembers. He goes to the gym maybe twice a week. His relationships - well, his entire focus is on us, his family, and everything else comes second. As generous as this is - I believe everyone needs time for just themselves regularly - I believe he needs more personal time to do something that balances out all he does out of obligation. People need balance.

   I knew all these things were happening in his life. I often teased him about not socializing regularly with his friends. I, personally, need to see or speak to my friends every week or I start to feel disconnected.   I work out at least three days a week or else I don't feel that I destressed with movement. I know I have more time than he does because watching my daughter isn't demanding like his job and I only work part-time. I actually could go to the gym and leave her in daycare while I'm with her. But there has to be some way to fit in time for him to do whatever he wants -other parents do it. He said he felt bad asking me to watch Mikayla during the weeknights alone because I watch her all day - but if it'll boost his spirits of course I'd gladly do it! Well, we've taken a step. He loves to play sports, so one night a week it's been decided that he'll play a sport he likes. Get some good guy time in.

   I told him he's not the man I married anymore - we talk about everything, so he's shared how he feels like he "should" take care of his family above his own personal needs. I told him he's become a "stepford" husband - a vision of what he believes is the perfect, good husband. I don't know where he got the idea that I wanted a selfless saint - sweet as it is. I want both of us to be happy more than anything else and not my happiness at the expense of his. He just focuses on work to make money to support us and then fears for his job-noble, but quite unnecessary. He watches movies or plays video games or watches tv every night to unwind, but I want more for him.   He mostly just goes along with my ideas of what we should do over the weekends. I know it's out of love that he does this, but ironically it's not working. I've asked him to start doing something he loves and to go out and socialize with whomever he wants - at least once a week. He's made some attempts, but most fall to the wayside.   I know he's not unhappy, but he's unfulfilled. It's impacting our relationship.   Before I realized all the things he was doing to keep his family happy and himself in an emotional hamster wheel cage, but I didn't have words to encapsulate what I was seeing. All I knew was I wanted to help. He's out of balance and not getting his "primary foods" met.

   He told me that this had happened to him before. He lived at home after college because he didn't get a very high paying job. He said his life revolved around the videogame, "World of Warcraft" and he became 20lbs overweight. It took him two years of being unhappy to realize he'd had enough and finally got a business coach to get him out of his rut and into a new job in Hoboken, where he promptly found a new apartment. He also lost all the extra weight in a matter of months and met his wife, me.

   I don't like to see my husband unhappy and living just to support us. I'm not sure exactly what's the best way to support him yet, but he's decided to start going to church again. I just found a church that has daycare, which was a big missing in our other church and consequently, why we stopped going. Mikayla was so loud that we couldn't even sit in the back without her disturbing others.    I'll keep learning and keep listening in the meantime.

My year of Holistic Health 2011

2011-02-14T15:09:00.000-05:00

   I'm starting my one year program at the Institute of Integrated Nutrition on March 7, 2011. I've already gotten my supplies: books, DVDs, and iPod. I've also started reading my book and listening to the iPod. Such interesting information! It feels so great to be learning about health and nutrition - which I'm passionate about for my career. At this point it's still feels like a dream to be doing something I love as a living. I was in Whole Foods the other day and just the act of shopping for dinner made me happy. I've been taking the Whole Foods cooking classes too and learning how to make delicious entrees! I love food and knowing how to make foods that are delectable and healthy. The science and history behind our food culture is fascinating.


   Did you know that most of the world is lactose intolerant? Many cultures don't have any dairy in their diet. Studies of dairy consumption have shown that it does not do anything to alleviate ostereoperosis. It does evidence linking it to breast cancer, asthma, and allergies. Not to mention also symptoms such as digestive upset, mucus, ostereoperosis, cardiovascular disease, iron deficiency, headaches, and food allergies. Dairy in moderation is fine - but the USDA recommends it as an essential part of the diet.

   Asian countries which eat no dairy whatsoever, get their Calcium from dark, leafy greens and soybeans.  They have the lowest case of ostereoperosis in the world - some areas having none at all. Dairy does have Calcium in it, but it's in a non absorbable form.   Calcium needs to be paired with Magesium in order to be most absorbable - like in Kale or soybeans.   Isn't that fascinating? After all the advertising that we see for milk - "It does a body good" - it actually doesn't!

   "Primary Foods" - is the term coined by Joshua Rosenthal the founder of The Institute of Integrated Nutrition. Primary foods are: Relationships, Career, Physical Activity, and Spirituality.   If these things are in balance, then eating foods become secondary - and thus healthier choices will be made. If these primary foods are not nourishing us, then we turn to edible foods to try to fill in the void left over.   It's scientifically proven that food alters emotions and emotions alter our digestive system - making us hungrier or less hungry. How fascintating is that? So when we're not happy - we tend to self-medicate by eating foods that relax us.   It's even been shown that people who have a spiritual practice, not mattering which one, are healthier and heal faster.

   This is so cool! Well, I've heard at my orientation that this year of school will not only teach me how to transform the lives of others, but mine will also transform in the process. In the areas of primary foods - I'd have to say that my career was the only area that caused me constant unfulfillment. But now, I have hope and a path.   I'm already thinking about having "Health Parties" at my apartment and advertising my business. I'm observing myself daily and how I feel after I eat - experimenting with different foods. I'll keep you posted as I continue on my year of holistic healing!

Day 3 - Potty Training and other musings.

2011-02-02T14:55:00.001-05:00

Day 3 has been much better. Thank God, I thought I might be doing this for months! I got so desperate on day two that I researched online and actually made my own potty chart and had her put her stickers on it whenever she went. Today we're 3 for 4.

   Dave worked from home today too, which makes today so much better. It helps to have company - even if he's working in the bedroom with the door closed. I know potty training isn't a big deal in the grand scheme of things. I think it just brings up all my insecurities about how good of a mother I am - or will be. I love my own mother dearly, but that doesn't mean I want to be like her. She has a short temper. She's critical, disorganized, and impatient. I was never able to talk to her about anything openly. She'd freak out even now.   I couldn't rely on her to remember any important dates for me. She's never tried to teach me anything since I was four. The alphabet was the extent of it. She tried to teach me how to cook once and got annoyed when I asked too many questions.

   I am hooked on watching these great tv shows called, Parenthood and Modern Family. I love anything good that has to do with families. I feel like I might end up like the mother on Modern Family, Claire. Claire always wants to talk about everything with her kids because her parents never talked to her about anything. Claire and her brother are a little uptight, controlling, and achievement-oriented. I'm like that too. Claire is a stay-at-home mom, but she still runs regularly and organizes school dances. Now, I don't ever want to organize a school function of any kind, but I do work out at least 4 times a week or I get nutty. It's my stress relief - and on a day when I'm feeling low - it brings me right up to get moving on the zumba floor or elliptical. I used to run too, but since I've been in physical therapy for my back - I've had to nix the running for the last couple of months.
   I've been continuing my book, Listen. Chapter 4 has a few lines that hit home, "Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry." (Listen, Ch.4, Pg.81)

   Of course I thought about my mom when I read that. I'm thinking - maybe I shouldn't have offered my advice. I know her by now. I know she likes to complain and doesn't like to hear solutions. What did I expect her to do when I tried to help? You know that quote - "Insanity is doing the same thing over and over, expecting a different result?' Or something like that? That's me. When we start talking again I'm never going to give her my two cents. Or at least I'm not going to insist on it ever again. Sadly, even if she's about to die. I'm learning that people make their own choices and I can't force them to take care of themselves even if I love them. I have to let people live their own lives and fall if need be.

   On a lighter note - I'm officially registered for the March 2011 one year health coaching program at the Institute of Integrated Nutrition.   I can start coaching with a temporary certificate by June 2011. I'm doing health evaluations as a part of my program - anyone interested?

Potty Training

2011-02-01T17:48:00.001-05:00

I've been trying to potty train my little minx this week. It's only day two and I'm already thinking that I'm not the Mommy type. We had 9 accidents yesterday and 3 today so far. She is not putting the concept of the potty together. I'm so bored being locked up in the house. Now she just fights me every time the alarm goes off and doesn't even want to sit down. I keep telling her just to sit for a minute and then she can get up again and go play. She sits down, then goes off to pee on the couch. Sigh. I'm getting really annoyed. How many days of this do I have to go through?

Garlic and Chile Rice Soup with spring greens

2011-01-19T14:20:00.000-05:00

I've been in a low mood these past 2 days. I think it's a combination of the rain, feminine issues, and a viral infection in my eye, which causes my right eye to overwater. Also in the background is the fact that I'm not pregnant yet and if I don't get pregnant within 2 months I'm going to be pregnant in Aruba for my friend's wedding, which means no drinking for me. I tried making a new recipe to cheer me up. It did. It got my mind off of everything else. But, why does my soup look nothing like the picture in the cookbook? (See above)

I didn't have any "spring greens" and it's not in the bowl yet, but why is the book's broth so much whiter? I used vegetable stock like it said. I know I took this picture with my phone camera and lighting probably has something to do with it too. Well, it tastes good. It has ginger, soy sauce, red chile pepper, and sesame oil in it. Consequently, it tastes like something from the Thai restaurant. It's not the best soup I've ever tasted, but it's good. And I'm in a better mood now.

A Little Dream...

2011-01-13T21:21:00.004-05:00

I dream of owning a garden on my terrace in a spacious apartment overlooking a park or an ocean in a warm, safe, and beautiful city. Or possibly even in the backyard of my suburban home. A lush garden filled with tomatoes, cucumbers, and peppers. I'd also want an herb garden of parsley, cilantro, and basil. I'm learning from Gail Zikri, (owner/chef of Earth Kitchen), to prepare organic, delicious meals that make me feel energized as well as taste scrumptious!

I love learning about ways to go green and living in a way that supports the Earth. I want to compost. I want to teach people about going green and eating in a way that supports their health, energy, and taste buds. I want solar panels on my home and a windmill in my back yard. Now I know I probably won't have a windmill since I really want to live in a city, but still - you get the idea. Whatever I can do to create natural, renewable resources. I want to make a difference with my life that positively impacts the Earth. I don't want to just have a good time and then take my leave. I want to know that my life made the world better because I was in it.

I saw pictures of plastic waste in the ocean. It's supposedly the size of Rhode Island. Regardles of the actual size of it - that can't be good for the sea life out there. It's only growing. A website that keeps me updated on our increasingly plastic planet - http://www.theplasticplanet.org/.

I'm committed to being as loving, forgiving, and kid as I possibly can. It's a work in progress. Of course when I'm tired it's much more difficult than when I'm feeling good. I do my best. I also do my best not to fall into the pitfall of making people wrong when they make other people wrong. That's a tricky one. My self-righteousness can sneak up before I even realize it sometimes.

Lately, when someone is unkind to me or someone else - instead of judging them I'm actively creating the habit to mentally forgive them and bless them. It goes something like this, "Bless you and I hope you find your own path to happiness." I don't believe that truly happy people are unkind to others. Being mean or judging others doesn't feel good. Every time I notice that I'm judging someone - I notice it does not make me feel good. I'm harming myself. If I try to come up with a reason why they're really a good person underneath and are just in a "bad" place - then I feel better. I also believe in karma, so in that way I'm also building good karma. I believe that everything we put out there comes back to us.

Food Matters

2011-01-08T22:38:00.000-05:00

I was watching the documentary called, Food Matters. I learned an interesting fact that I wanted to share. When human beings get stressed out - our bodies produce adrenaline. Adrenaline breaks down Vitamin C. So no wonder we get sick whenever we're subjected to extended periods of stress! Duh!

To counteract stress and boost our immune system - take Vitamin C! That actually makes sense. No wonder they have products such as EmergenC and AirBorne - which contains thousands of milligrams of Vitamin C. I knew that Vitamin C was good for the immune system, but I didn't know it was because the stress factor made it break down faster.

We learn something new everyday!

Another Day in a Korean Family's Life...

2011-01-05T12:54:00.004-05:00

My mom and I are in a fight...again.
So what happened?

"My shoulder hurts." My mom said in Korean, rubbing her shoulder.

"You should try going to a physical therapist. I've been going to one for my back pain and it feels much better." I said. It worries me when my parents have anything hurting. She is 70 years old and my Dad is 75.

She doesn't reply. She just keeps rubbing her shoulder.

"Mom, did you hear me? Why don't you try a physical therapist?"

"Yeah, maybe," she replies.

"Older people just have their bones hurt, "My Dad said. "It just happens with age."

"My father-in-law also has his hip hurting with arthritis and the physical therapist said it's important to strengthen the muscles around it. Maybe they can help Mom."

My mom still says nothing and doesn't reply.

"Do you take Calcium?" I asked her.

"Yes, "My mom finally replied.

"Is it paired with Magnesium? It doesn't absorb if it isn't."

"Yes, yes."

"Try our isotonic powder form. It absorbs more and is better for you."

"Oh, go away!" My mom snaps, waving me away with her hand.

   At this point I get annoyed. I look at my husband, Dave.
   "Do you see this?" I say in English. "She tells me her shoulder hurts all the time. I ask her about it and then she ignores me and tells me to go away!"

   We get up and get Mikayla. "Bye, we're going home now." My mom and dad walk us to the door and walk out the door.

   This argument is nothing new.  She complains every so often about her shoulder, her energy, my family... She often gets annoyed if I offer solutions.   I should have learned to just listen in silence by now, but I didn't.

A few days later, I come over to drop off Mikayla before leaving for work. Right away I can tell my Mom is angry at me when she doesn't come to the door to greet me. I had a feeling she might be annoyed at me still. My Dad answers the door. After I come in and get Mikayla's coat off I sit down next to her. I try to chat with her and she abruptly yells at me, "What! What do you want?"

"Why are you yelling at me?"

   "You think it's ok to tell Dave everything?!"

   "What? So you can ignore me and tell me to go away when I ask about your shoulder? How do you think that makes me feel?"

   "Fine! Don't speak to me ever again." She says this every time we argue. I can't even count how many times my Mom has threatened to end our relationship.

   "Yeah right. We're never going to talk again? You say that every time."

   My mom gives me an angry look and gets up off the couch and storms off. I yell after her, "You have to be responsible for your actions too. It's not just my fault all the time. Look at how you were being too."

   My Dad says, "She just really hates it when you tell Dave what's going on. That really makes her angry."

   "She can't just hide behind the language Dad." I hear the upstairs bedroom door slam shut. "She can't just say whatever she wants to me in Korean and then I have to make sure to censor everything for my husband. She was being really rude to me. Just because she "really" hates it when Dave knows what we're saying - it doesn't trump her own actions."

   "Why don't you just not argue?" Dad said.

   "I wasn't mad when I came over. I accepted that she was rude to me last week. I'm used to it. She's the one who was holding a grudge now."
-------------------------------------------------------------

   That's what happened. That's where I'm left. I could apologize for translating to my husband. I do understand that it makes her angry. I knew I was walking into trouble when I did that.   But, I did it because I hate the fact that she speaks so rudely to me whenever she feels like it.   Dave's mom never speaks to her kids that way. She never snaps at them and threatens to cut them off. I hate manipulative behavior like that. Why can't we just calmly talk things out ever?

   A huge part of me isn't ready to apologize. I don't like yelling, threats, and door slamming. She could have communicated her feelings to me instead of ignoring me and then yelling right away. I feel like I'd be condoning her argument strategies. Threatening to end our relationship every time we argue feels like a power play. It feels so childish.

   So...I'm praying about it first. I'm being patient. I'm asking for guidance about the best solution and for God to show me what I'm unable to see right now. In truth, I'm not even really mad at her. I'm so used to her outbursts and dismissiveness. I could drop it right now, but I know she probably won't. So that leaves me wondering...what am I supposed to do? Maybe nothing. We'll see.

Wrapping up 2010

2011-01-03T13:07:00.001-05:00

   Whenever New Years has come and gone I like to look at all the things that happened over the past year. It helps me be appreciative and present to life.  Sometimes life goes back so quickly that I don't feel like I accomplished much until I look at it.

   I made a bunch of new Mommy friends. They're really a nice group of women. Very laid back and down to earth. There's no pettiness or gossip that can happen when you meet some people.  I met them through the internet - Hoboken Moms' Group. Last year I didn't have that many other Mom friends and the ones I did lived out of town.  We had also just moved back to Hoboken and were still trying to settle in. Now I have a lovely bunch of women and children whom Mikayla and I can meet up with at the parks.
    In March, I started running for the first time and signed up for a 4-mile race in Central Park to motivate me. At this point I can only run 1 mile outside before becoming tired. I ran my 4-mile race with one of my new Mommy friends - Judith. This was the longest distance I've ever run before. Not much for some, but it was long distance for me. My parents discouraged sports when I was younger. They told me to study instead. I always wanted to work on becoming more athletic.

    In April, I turned 32 years old. Dave and I became reacquainted with a friend of ours, Sue who had gained financial freedom and was living off of a permanent residual income. She just had her third child and had spent a month in Israel with her newfound freedom. On April 25, 2010 - Dave and I also partnered with that same internet franchising company. We now have our own business website. www.MarketAmerica.com/Hoboken.
    In July, Dave and I succeeded in earning our first commission check from our company and partnered with his parents. We're all working together now as a team and it's brought us closer together. In July, I ran a 5-mile race in Hoboken. Also in August I ran another 4-mile race in Central Park in 88 degree heat with my Mommy friends Sophie and Judith. By September, Dave and I decided we were ready to have a second child. Our first child, Mikayla was about to turn three years old.
     Dave got a new job at WebMD. He's finanally earning enough income for us to have our second child and have me stay at home during the week with the kids. I'm still going to be working on Sundays to earn that extra income we need to be comfortable, but before this job - we couldn't even do that. A true blessing and sign that we are ready for our second child.
    Dec. 2010:   Not pregnant yet. Dave and I are still working on growing our business. We had a fantastic Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Years.    Each time we went out like it may be our last time. Each month I discovered that I was not yet pregnant and each month - we went out and partied like rock stars. I forgot how much I love flip cup! I hadn't played that in 2 years!

January 3, 2011.

   So many things to look forward to. We're moving out of our 1 Bedroom apartment and into a 2 bedroom. We want an apartment where the kids can run and jump without fear of neighbors underneath being angry. We want a communal backyard in which we can have barbeques. We want our own bedroom where Mommy and Daddy can be alone. It's a good year! I can feel it....Will keep you posted!

Merry Christmas!

2010-12-24T09:35:00.000-05:00

Merry Christmas everyone! I love this time of year - only because I love my family and in-laws. I love giving gifts and of course getting them. We're doing our usual tradition. Seeing my parents and having dinner for Christmas eve and then sleeping over my in-laws so we can wake up for Christmas morning there. Then the siblings will go see a movie together. I have truffles, cupcakes, and cookies - all waiting to be eaten. I worked out all week and even lost a pound in preparation for the gluttonous eating I plan on doing tomorrow! I hope everyone has a love-filled holiday of fun! xoxo

The Human Family Tree

2010-12-14T05:47:00.000-05:00

I was watching a documentary called, The Human Family Tree the other day. It was really cool - they checked the DNA of 350,000 people and found out that we all originate from Africa. Every single race known to humankind - started in Africa and then migrated outwards based on the climate. I'm from Korea and my husband's family is from France, but if you go back far enough - some ancient mother Eve was in both of our DNA. They could actually use the DNA code to trace the migratory path our ancestors took.

The Alchemist

2010-12-05T09:28:00.000-05:00

   "Tell your heart that the fear of suffering is worse than the suffering itself. And that no heart has ever suffered when it goes in search of its dreams, because every second of the search is a second's encounter with God and with eternity."

    - The Alchemist

     If you haven't read The Alchemist I highly recommend it. I've reread it three times and each time it has told me exactly what I needed to hear to move me forward wherever I was in life. It's doing so even now.

     It's a cleverly told story about a boy named Santiago. I"m assuming he's about 17 or so, but the book never says. He has a recurring dream of finding a treasure in the pyramids of Egypt. When he has a gypsy interpret his dream, she tells him that he must go to find his treasure there - whatever that treasure is. He is compelled and embarks on the journey - along the way he faces many challenges, but grows into a very skilled young man. There were multiple times when he had to give up everything he had gained in order to continue on his journey. There were many times when he thought maybe he had done enough and should turn back. I won't tell you the end, but it's an excellent story that parodies life and the journey we take in discovering who we really are. Of course in the story you meet characters who never take the journey and others who failed.

A book of wisdom, insight, and adventure!
    Whenever I read it - I feel like it reminds me to keep going. There's a part of the book when the Alchemist tells the sheperd, Santiago that when the treasure is about to be found, the Universe will throw all sorts of challenges in his way to test him. I feel like that has happened with anything I ever truly strived for. I spent years trying to find the perfect partner for myself. My parents had a very challenging marriage and I had to bear the brunt of their unhappiness a lot. I swore to myself that I would marry a man who would be a honorable person. A man who wasn't just fair weather, but who would be committed to resolving conflict in a peaceful and compromising manner. My parents alway had power struggles. For instance, my Mom told me that my Dad wouldn't teach her how to drive. When my Dad lost his job and my Mom became the breadwinner, she told me that my Dad still wanted to be in control of all the money. She in turn would always tell me never to marry a man who couldn't take care of his family. It was ugly.
   I dated many men for many years. I had one dissolved relationship after another. I know it was because of my role models. Not that it was their fault. I was the one who chose to bring my unhealthy emotional issues into the relationship. I spent years working on myself after I found personal growth courses. They made a deep impact. I healed from the inside out. I became trusting and voluntarily vulnerable. Before I was hell bent on keeping myself safe first, loved second. No doubt a big reason why my relationships never worked out after a year.
   After years of focusing on attracting my dream relationship, I finally did. But not before being heartbroken and quickly dumped by someone who I thought could be the one. My point is - like the Alchemist said - the darkest hour truly is the one just before the dawn. Persevere.
   Again, it's a simple, but wise tale. Read it.

Rain Musings

2010-12-01T10:04:00.000-05:00

Why do most people feel tired when it rains? I plan on musing about this and even going off on tangents if I feel like it. I feel a little sick and tired today - and writing makes me feel good. It's my release. I read in an article that it has to do with barometric pressure. The pressure is heavier, so it's literally pushing you down and making you feel heavier. I also read that it's darker, cooler, and more rhythmic with the sounds of the pelting rain. These are also conditions that bring on that sleepy feeling.   This also happens to me on really hot days - I'll have to look into the reasons for tiredness from heat later.

    I slept eleven hours last night. Usually, I'm a champion sleeper and can sleep 9 hours a night no problem. Eleven is a bit unusual though.

    I basically want to say to the Universe, "I don't have time for this!"
I feel like I'm more tired than most people. I read an article about Ryan Reynolds - he said he only sleeps 6 hours a night! I wish I could be like that. I'd be so much more productive. I eat healthy, exercise regularly, and destress with positivity. I don't get it.
   Remember some kids in high school with the "perfect attendance" awards? That was never me. I always used the maximum number of absences allowable.
Actually, I learned in a men/women studies class that men have more energy than females do because of their testicles. They generate testosterone which gives them energy reserves, while women do not. Once women have depleted their adrenal glands, they're done.
This is all just the ramblings of a rainy day. I'm a little nauseaus today too. No, not pregnant. Just nauseaus. What a weird and off day.

Mean Girls

2010-11-17T04:30:00.012-05:00

   When I was in 5th grade I had two friends, Margaret and Melissa. We went over each other's houses. We had sleepovers. We had fun. One day Melissa ignored me the entire day, but spoke to Margaret. I was confused, but didn't say anything. Then as the days went on, Melissa was still ignoring me. I asked Margeret what was going on. Margeret said that Melissa didn't like me anymore and was trying to convince Margaret to ignore me too.

   That was the first time I ever had someone try to turn someone else against me. It hurt.   I felt bewildered, resentful, and vulnerable. I felt like there must be something wrong with me. I didn't remember doing anything to anger Melissa. We never confronted each other or talked anything out. Ever since then I've always been conscious of making sure not to anger people if possible and to have people like me. Or at the very least not to be the focus of anyone's dislike. I try to be nice, avoid gossip, and conflict. Even so - this scenario has replayed itself over and over throughout my life.

   A friend of mine set me up on a blind date for my high school winter formal when I was a senior.  My date's name was Mike. He was a nice enough guy with dark hair, brown eyes, and medium build. A smaller boned Italian-looking boy. We talked very little, danced, and kissed good bye when the formal night was over.  It's always awkward meeting someone for the first time and we didn't click.   I had a cold that night too and wasn't in my most social mood. The date wasn't very memorable.

   - Fast forward, I'm a freshman in college. That guy Mike had an ex-girlfriend at the time of our "date" named Anna. He told Anna that he went on a date and kissed some girl - me. Anna found out everything she could about me. She happened to go to the same college and befriending my friend Margaret.   Yes, Margaret from 5th grade. Melissa had moved away after 5th grade. When I went to visit Margaret at her dorms, which were on another campus, I met Anna for the first time. Anna was rude and aloof. I didn't know her connection to me at the time, so I figured it was just her personality. Later I found out that she didn't like me because of my "date" with Mike.

    I went to a fraternity party a few weeks later to visit my on-again, off-again boyfriend Bill. Anna was there. I was talking to my friend Dan when I heard someone say, "Slut, " in the background. I didn't think anything of it. Then I saw two girls staring at me and boring a hole into the back of my head. They were Anna's friends. Anna came over and "intervened."   Although her idea of intervening was initially pretending to act like she was trying to appease her friend's anger, but then grilling me about my date with Mike.
   Long story short, this girl didn't care about the fact that I only met Mike once for approxiately 5 hours. It was over a year ago and nothing had happened. She seemed like the Jersey shore type of girl who just wanted to rumble for the sake of it.  She also seemed drunk.   She got kicked out, along with her friends.

    By now, age 32 I have a little more perspective. Things like this happen in life just because we exist period. People conflict with other people for no valid reasons. I know I watch reality tv shows sometimes and it's absurd the drama that ensues over nothing. I figure people will always find a reason not to like you that has nothing really to do with you.  I'm not taking it personally anymore.   By now, I'm choosing to believe that it's out of my hands.   All I can do is treat people the way I wish to be treated - gotta keep building that good karma.

Fall 2010 - Changing with the Seasons

2010-10-30T06:35:00.000-04:00

It's been a while since I wrote anything.  Well, a lot has been going on as usual with our family. Dave got a new job - same field. He works in NYC again at WebMD.  He adores it - he said it's so efficient and well-run that he doesn't feel overwhelmed anymore. I'm still working on our business and expanding a great team of people. Mikayla will be turning 3 years old in November.   I've made a lot of great Mommy friends in Hoboken. I've also deepened my friendships with my out-of-town Mommy friends. Still have time to hang out often with my single and childless friends as well. Our life feels very balanced and fulfilling. However! We have decided to add a new member to our family.   I'm a little concerned at what will happen when I officially stop working as an SAT tutor and stay at home with 2 kids.   I know other Moms say it's not that much extra work. But I can't help loving my balance right now and am wondering about the new baby and how it'll throw our world off balance again.

I'm not pregnant yet, but we are "in progress." :D

I've never tried to get pregnant before. Most of my adult life was spent trying not to get pregnant, haha. This is a cool and novel experience. I'm taking ovulation tests and everything. My sister-in-laws are pregnant, so it's a really cool time in our lives. I like to think in the future we'll look back and remember the time that all 3 of us were pregnant. How cool is that?

   A bunch of my Mommy friends have also had babies, are pregnant, or are getting pregnant. It seems that this is that time when we're all multiplying like rabbits!

    Well, since I am not pregnant yet and won't be "fertile" till next week - I'm going out for one last party night out on Sat night - for Halloween. It's my last time to use the "slut" rule for the year and dress as sexy as I want and no girl can say anything about it.   I figure next year I'll be up to my neck in diapers and breastfeeding at all hours of the day, so I'm living it up now!

   So in a nutshell - that's the update for now. I'll be writing more again. I'm off of my hiatus...

Running Raw

2010-07-15T10:07:00.001-04:00

   I've started eating raw food again. I attempted to eat all raw foods last year too when I had more time to cook...or rather prepare foods.  I lost extra weight easily and was able to kick my caffeine habit. I had so much more energy from the foods! Last time I had attempted to quit drinking caffeine - I was a lethargic zombie for a week. This time I felt ok within 2 days! That's a mini miracle to me.

    When Dave and I moved back to Hoboken, I started working more hours and it became very difficult for me to prepare the foods. Plus, you have to make sure you always havevery fresh produce, which means 2-3 trips to the grocery store a week. I fell back into eating out because it was easier than cooking.  The only raw/vegan meals available are at Hoboken FarmBoy and Basic Foods.  Something about being tired makes me crave the cheesy, comforting foods, so I gave in to pizza and chinese food.

   I got hooked on caffeine again too, which does not do well with my system at all. Dave can drink espressos all day and still fall asleep at night if he stops by 3pm, but me - if I even have one - I can't sleep until 2am. I also don't react well to it. My body gets achy; I get headaches and moody. It's just a bad, bad scene.

   I was feeling tired as usual in February when I decided to start running as a hobby. I signed up for a 4-mile race with my friend Judith. I figured maybe my lack of cardiovascular health was also contributing to my chronic fatigue and not just my diet. I started running and in the first few weeks I couldn't even run a mile outside without wanting to stop. Man, I felt out of shape. Then sure enough after about a month I was bouncing up out of bed and running 3 miles outside without even feeling very tired. I felt very alert and awake most of the time, with the exception of right after a meal.

     A few months later, I ran the 4 mile race in Central park with Judith and felt invigorated! This was a new me! An energized and running me. I liked the idea of it. Then summer and along with it - intense heat came -  my running turned to crap. I was fatigued again all the time and unable to even run 2 miles at night without feeling depleted. It was a struggle. I was drinking caffeine and taking energy chomps right before runs just to get going. It didn't even work that well.
     Then I decided to switch back to my vegan diet. (Or at least predominantly vegan) I was able to cut out the caffeine again easily. My energy went up and my weight went down. I dropped 2 pounds almost immediately. I felt better, but I still didn't feel as good as I did. It was really weird. Does heat do that much? It couldn't be just that. I started taking isotonix multivitamins with iron with the online business I partnered with. (www.MarketAmerica.com/Hoboken)

    Isotonix - means "same pressure" - it's a multivitamin in powder form and when mixed with water it's the same pressure as the liquids in one's body, so it absorbs right into the bloodstream in 5 seconds on an empty stomach. It has a 95% absorption rate.      I started taking that, along with Ultimate Aloe Juice which has aloe vera in a purified form and is packed with minerals and enzymes for the immune system.

   After that I ran a 5 mile race in Hoboken. I ran my fastest time yet! 49min 47sec. I'm committed to running a half-marathon next year and running an 8 minute mile. Then the temperature went up again to the 90s. It is now July and the weather is on average in the high 80s to the low 90s. I again have difficulty running. I again feel fatigue.

   Then I discovered Gail Zikri of Earth Kitchen! My friend Jenn at Hoboken Healing recommended her to me. I took her raw food class and was completely reinspired!!   I bought a juicer and blender and have been eating what she taught me to make since. She delivers raw food to me weekly that's delicious! And I make raw foods at home now. I can only make a few things, so I eat a lot of the same stuff over and over. HOWEVER - I am again - feeling energized and awake more often. Even in the 90 degree heat I am starting to do cardio regularly again.

   I have another 4 mile race this Saturday and I feel better than I have in months. Nothing happens for no reason. It may be the heat and fatigue that caused me to seek out a way to rebalance myself, but I am happier to be back on a healthy track. When I ate raw/vegan foods last year - I felt the best in my life. I had forgotten how sensitive my body is to foods. Some people don't have this problem, but when I eat something heavy - I feel it right away.
   I don't eat as much now and I'm sleeping less again. I've never run a race on only raw foods before and in the last 4 days I've been almost 100% raw. I'll keep you posted!

Ups and Downs

2010-07-01T09:24:00.002-04:00

   I'm having a harder time with my business than I thought I would. The problem is not the business - b/c I see people around me succeeding. It's me. I have a thing about rejection.   In this business, we do have to sell - and selling successfully is about many things, but most of all - not taking it personally when people say no. I am certainly not trying to make people get something they don't need. I'm resistant to even bringing up the products in the first place.

   My husband is surprising me with how well he's doing. He talks to everyone whether he's scared or not. I have been talking, but I am getting easily discouraged when everyone is not hopping on board, which I know isn't rational.

   Let me show another example - whenever I have a birthday come up, I dread having a party so much b/c I don't like the stress of organizing irt and then having only a few people show. What do I do? I plan things last minute, so if people can't come - I can say to myself - Well, I planned it last minute. OR - I'll group my birthday with someone elses, so the attention is not on me.

   My mother used to say to me, "There's nothing to be afraid of! Who cares what people think?" That didn't help me at all. I just stopped talking to her about it.

   I dislike people telling me "shoulds." You should...He should....They should...." I also dislike unsolicited advice if it comes in the form of "should" or judgment. If people are going to give me advice about this - please put it in the form of "You could..." Never a should. That just makes it really hard to even hear what's being said - even if it's "good" advice.

It's Birthday #32

2010-04-19T12:19:00.000-04:00

Well, my daughter and I have a sore throat and cough on my birthday, but that hasn't gotten me down at all! I had a lot of people wish me a happy birthday today and that has made me super happy! I'm always appreciative about how awesome people can be. Not that I don't think people can be great, but I'm always pleasantly surprised. I try not to be the friend I wish I had and not put my expectations on others. (I try anyway - I am still human)

Well, a few good things happened in the last week. (I'm making it a point to write blogs at least once a week.) So since last Monday...
Our neighbors responded to our note with much kindness. Yay! I was nervous about that. The wife answered and said they appreciated that we communicated and that they'd both try to be more tolerant of the noise since we'd made efforts to make less. That about sums it up, but it had a very nice understanding tone to it. I am so happy that's complete. I was beginning to get stressed out every time we made a creak in our wooden floors.
We went to our church's spaghettioke on Saturday night too. It was a very last minute birthday plan, but 5 of my friends made it out! I was so happy - and my parents and in-laws. It was BYOB, which I love, and Dave and I got up to sing Under Pressure by Queen. When we got up we both discovered that we didn't know the song very well at all! It's way different singing in your home, then to belt out a tune in front of a live audience. I thought we were off key and timing, but thankfully Dave backed up into the electrical cord and cut us off. The DJ offered to restart our song, but we were quick to say, no thanks! And sat back down. Then people said we sounded pretty good. I was shocked. I honestly thought we blew. Either I'm super hard on myself or they were comparing us to people who really were painful to listen to. Maybe a bit of both. :)
Well, I'm not feeling so hot, so I'm going to drink some Nyquil and drift off to a happy place...

Neighbors and Hoboken

2010-04-12T07:23:00.002-04:00

Our laundry machine broke last week. Well, maybe "break" is a strong word - it started making a loud thumping noise during the spin cycle. At which our neighbors below us began hitting the ceiling to signal their displeasure. We wrote an email to our Landlord about the machine. Her response was basically 3 things. It's a new machine. Your neighbors say your machine is on "all the time." Maybe you should take a break with the laundry.

   Our twice weekly laundry days are too much? It used to be once a week until the weather got warmer. It is sometimes three times a week - on the occasions that we do our entire bedding at once. The machine is pretty small. My point is - is it too much? Is there a "too much" number when it comes to a family's laundry?

    Living in Hoboken is not always easy. Buildings are stacked up high and it's virtually impossible to make it sound proof. Even the newer buildings have some sound leakage. We have a 2.5 year old daughter who is only allowed to jump on the couch. All her heavy toys are in storage, which is understandable.   How does one lessen their laundry load? Not wash things until they've been soaked in sweat twice? Only wash our daughter's clothes if there's many stains instead of one?

    We left our neighbors a note. Communication is the only way. The only thing we can do is ask them which days would be less bothersome for our seemingly excessive laundry habits. We told them we're willing to work something out in the interest of harmonious living since we won't be able to move out until 8/1/11. We haven't heard back yet.

   I guess this is also a learning experience. When we moved in we weren't warned of thin walls where even laundry would upset people. I get loud music, parties, and odd hours, but none of those things are an issue with us. Our laundry is the source of neighbor's discontent. It sounds almost funny to me.  Is our machine that loud from below? I know the squirrels are really loud in the morning, so maybe. We're on the top floor and they scamper about loudly and it wakes us up. I wonder if the first bottom apartment is bothered by the one above it, and so on. We're on the fourth floor, so there are three other apartments full of people who could be bothered.

   Are we the only ones who do laundry twice a week? Maybe. Dave and I are exercising 5 days a week now. Or maybe the other residents are not upset by such things? I'll have to ask around and see. All I know is - next time we move I'll have to grill the potential Landlord and neighbors about the sound situation so I can get a complete picture of what it's really like to live there. I want to be free to do as much cleaning and laundry as I please! Am I going to be asked to not do my dishes next? Or use the toilet? Ummm, the neighbors have been saying that you go to the bathroom a lot...

    I exaggerate. But I think I speak for everyone who lives anywhere that I want to be able to live without my routine actions being criticized or bothering someone else. We have no parties and sleep very regular hours. In fact we barely even have people over. Aside from our rarely hopping-toddler and laundry - we're very quiet.  We threw away all of Mikayla's heavy toys once we realized that sound traveled so quickly in this building.   She gets all her jumping out at the playground and soccer lessons.

   Yet another sore point is about the storage room! When the storage room was "banned" to the residents we had to take out our stroller and put it in the trunk of our car. We had specifically asked for a apartment with communal storage space because we knew we'd need it for a stroller.   Did we complain? Nope! We're pretty easy going people. We don't complain very easily about others. I don't feel comfortable in my own home now. I know they have a valid concern - if it's noisy, it's noisy. But I hate that I feel like my everyday errands will bother someone. I feel "watched.'

   I think the lesson here is - you can't assume people will be honest and tell the whole truth or assume that we'll be warned for potential problems.  I need to make sure to double-triple check on all the details the next time I rent a place. I need to talk to neighbors. I need to be a stickler for details. Next time - first floor apartment!

   That's my vent for the day. Cat out.

Overcoming Obstacles in Running

2010-04-09T13:13:00.000-04:00

[caption id="attachment_494" align="alignleft" width="300" caption="My new kicks!"][/caption]

   I see that trying to become a good runner is a lot like trying to become good at anything in life. I'm in my 7th week of running and a few obstacles have come up. When I made the switch from treadmill to pavement a few weeks back - I noticed that it was MUCH harder to run outside. It takes much more strength to hoist my body forward then to have a nice running belt loop around for me. I compensated by adding an incline to the treadmill. Problem solved - now it's about the same difficulty as outside.  Then another obstacle came up. The pavement-pounding left my knees and my feet bones aching after my first run 2.5 mile run. I did some research and went to the running store and discovered that I have "flat feet." Which means I turn my feet in when I run, which then puts more shock on my knees. Hence, the knee pain. I also needed better running sneakers, which provide more cushioning and shock absorption for my feet.  Ok - I bought myself some nice running sneakers, the Brooks Adrenaline and orthotics to correct my flat footedness.

    On Tuesday night I went out with my special running sneakers, orthotics, and extra cushiony socks. It was much better. My husband and I ran for the first time with the Hoboken Harriers on their beginners' night. We ran 3 miles. I did still feel a slight ache in my right knee and my feet bones still ached a bit for one day afterwards, but not nearly as much as it did before. I also read that women who run 10 minute miles or slower are more prone to knee pain because one doesn't get the full range of motion in the legs. I run a 12 minute mile as of now. I could run a 9 minute mile, but then I would probably poop out at about a quarter of a mile.

   I keep having to come up with strategies to deal with all the things that are hindering me from my goal of running a marathon in 2011. The marathon is entirely on pavement. If I get pained after 3 miles on pavement, then will I do some serious damage with a marathon? Can one train almost entirely on a treadmill for a marathon, with the exception of Tuesday nights outside? These are things I need to figure out. How much can my legs take on pavement? Will I need to see a podiatrist? I don't want to injure myself. Muscles aches and pains I can deal with, but I am not the type to just run with pain and ignore my body.

   I read in a book that when it comes to success, the reason why we do things is more important than how easy it is to do. Training for the marathon is not just about the marathon or about running. For me, it's about doing something I never believed I could do. Overcoming my own preconceived notions about myself.  I have these beliefs that I've never been much of an athlete. I also feel like I never really excelled at anything in life. My friend said to me, "Oh, but you're great with people and a great listener." That didn't make me feel any better about it.

   These roadblocks are concerning me that I may not be able to run a marathon. My fearful doubts say to me, "Maybe you should just do 10Ks that are on trails which are easier on your feet."  I am adamantly brushing these naysaying thoughts away. I'm not giving up! It's very important to me that I do this. I feel stronger every time I break a plateau. Those endorphins are heaven! I'm cross training with Zumba - cardio dance classes - and I went from being awkward and exhausted halfway through the class to energetically dancing in rhythym through the entire hour!   Woot!

   If I allow these little things to stop me with marathon-training, then I feel that anything big I wish to do will have something that stops me. I pray that the aches in my knees and feet go away though. Maybe the human bones get stronger with more running.   Maybe it's not just me that has a hard time with pavement. If other people can do it, then so can I!

My Dad went to the ER

2010-04-05T06:11:00.001-04:00

   My Dad went to the ER last night after our Easter dinner with my in-laws. He's 75 years old. My brother texts me at 12:21am, "Dad was rushed to the emergency room. He's ok, but it's weird." I couldn't help but be annoyed that he told me so little. No one gets "rushed" to the ER for any light reason. I text him back asking why. He didn't responds, so I called my mom instead.   She said he had trouble going to the bathroom, something about his urine tubes? I couldn't fully understand her Korean. I thought she may have been talking about passing a kidney stone. She said he couldn't go for three hours and they had to extract it. Then he was delirious and couldn't remember much. He forgot about going to my in-laws house for dinner. He was just asking about my daughter. Then my Mom said she had to leave the house, so I had to hang up with her. I am still not clear about what happened.

   I've had a feeling that my Dad wasn't going to be around for too much longer. He just doesn't seem that healthy emotionally or physically. He has high blood pressure and had retinal bleeding in the last few months. He couldn't see our of his left eye well. He said it was cloudy. He just had it fixed with surgery. Then he was told in the last year to cut out white sugar because he was borderline diabetic. My Dad used to love eating white sugar and many processed foods. Now apparently he can't urinate without a hospital.

    Emotionally, he worries incessantly about things. I'm not sure if it's because of the overdrinking of caffeine or if it's just a obsessive personality. He's always telling me about not being able to sleep from worrying about us. Nothing is going on with us - he's just worrying about, "What if?" No wonder he has high blood pressure. He also has trouble listening to people. He seems to be only preoccupied with his own thoughts. He cuts people off sometimes and only talks about what he wants to. I'm sure we all know people like that, but it doesn't seem too normal. You can't have a conversation with him.

     I know anyday soon I'm going to get that phone call telling me my Dad has died. I'm just not ready to hear that now. Just a few more years. I want Mikayla to be at an age when she'll be able to remember him for the rest of her life, like 7. At least 7. I don't want him to be a hazy memory, especially because she loves him so much.  My Dad is her favorite. She loves him above all of us. I want her to have him always. I emailed my Christian Moms group to please pray for him. I am praying for him too. I don't want him to leave in discomfort or pain. I'd rather he die peacefully if it came to that, but I pray that if it's not his time for a while to please heal him completely so that he can live happily. It's what I would want.

Runner's High - a Positive Addiction

2010-03-30T15:10:00.000-04:00

     Anne Mahlum is a the founder of the organization, Back on my Feet. This is from the website: http://blog.gocollege.com/2009/04/04/an-inspiration-for-us-all-anne-mahlum-founder-of-back-on-my-feet/

"The founder of the organization, “Back on My Feet,” had learned long ago that running brought her confidence, strength and self-esteem. Believing that it could also promote self-sufficiency in the homeless population, Mahlum did not go at the problem in the traditional manner.

No direct goal to provide anyone food – no move to provide anyone shelter. Just an addict who understood addiction and how to channel it.

A young lady who had in mind the idea to provide these homeless men a community, a place that could foster some respect while teaching discipline and teamwork. A place where they could feel a sense of support.

And then, once that community was in place, Mahlum provided, through her own example, the motivation needed for these men to move towards self–sufficiency.

For Mahlum, it wasn’t just about running; it was about creating a community that helped each of these individuals regain their dignity; it was about a process that was complete only when each of them has a stable job and a place to live.

But make no mistake about it, for Mahlum, running was the catalyst. From the “Back on My Feet” web site:

“Running is one of the most empowering activities there is because there is no end. There is always another mile, another road, another right turn. There is no buzzer and there is no referee. It has taught me so much about life, especially the simple notion that to get anywhere, you have to take it one step at a time.”"

   I'm sorry I had to copy and paste so much, but I loved every word of that article and I didn't want to paraphrase any of it. As a new runner of 5 weeks - I understand the addiction. In the first 4 weeks, I was aching after every run. I couldn't run for more than a mile without walking. The only thing that pushed me forward was the fact that I knew I wanted to get in shape and had already signed up for a 4 mile race with my friend Julia. Well, I've also always loved the idea of being a runner - the toned legs, the endurance, and the famed "runner's high" were all very appealing.

   After my 4th week, I went to run outside with my friend Jenn. She is the three time marathoner. I told her to run with me on her "easy" day when she just felt like recovering. I ended up running 2.64 miles outside. For me, that was a mini triumph! Before that I wasn't able to run more than 1 mile outside before without stopping. I had gone from 1 to 2.64. The quote is, "Success begets success." All the self doubts I had about being ready in time (The race is May 9th, 2010 and I did this last Thursday 3/25/10) evaporated. Suddenly I felt elated! Not just about running, but about everything. I had surpassed a mini obstacle for me and it pumped me up for the rest of the week about everything. All of a sudden - everything seemed possible with time. A marathon now seems possible. Financial Freedom seems possible. Me losing this last 6 pound and keeping it off forever with no more dieting seems possible! I got it. The runner's high.

     Now, in only a week I can run 3 miles outside. I have milestones in place for my half marathon this Fall. I'll get up to 5 miles of endurance, then work on speed, then 10 miles, then increase speed, etc. This physical achievement has gotten me thinking about other things I wish to achieve. The endorphin rush from the running has lead me to do cardio cross-training on my alternate days. I take Zumba classes now at the gym - Latin infused dance aerobics class. I get my blood pumping every day just to feel the high! It changes the way my entire day goes. It's brilliant to use a positive addiction to change the body, mind, and soul. Cheers to you Anne Mahlum!

     Well, I had said in earlier blogs that I would be saying yes to new things and see where my life would go. Saying yes to running has opened up my life so much. I'm run with my 2 friends now and it's a great way to spend time together and chat while getting in a workout. I just got 2 birds with one stone! I'm joining the running club in Hoboken as soon as I can run a little longer and am excited to make new running friends.   I am also in the process of trying to set up a half-marathon in Hoboken-Jersey City as a charity event for orphans. I noticed there aren't many half-marathons in the area. If you look online there's very spread out and mostly in NYC or Atlantic City. Sister Mary Elizabeth of the Fillipini Sisters, http://www.filippiniusa.org, works to help the orphans of AIDS victims around the world become self-sustaining by teaching them trades and helping to make their own money. I want to run a half-marathon in the area, and want to contribute to Sister Mary Elizabeth's orphans.   I am going to combine my 2 desires. I'm going tonight to my prayer group to start the process of setting up an ongoing yearly half-marathon for Orphans. If you have any advice let me know!

Run Cat Run!

2010-03-22T07:20:00.002-04:00

   I was never a "runner". I never played sports when I was younger, other than in gym class and two years of cheerleading. My parents weren’t big on me doing anything that distracted from my studies. They had the Asian mentality that students should be studying from the moment their eyes opened until their heads hit the pillow. We should be dreaming of test questions and Ivy league schools. They discouraged sports and even made me quit dancing when I reached high school.   I've always wanted to do something athletic since then. It's always felt like a missing in my life. I've noticed other kids who did some sort of sport were healthier physically and mentally. It must be all those endorphins. I've always gone to the gym and weight lifted to stay in shape, but only moderately.  I want to do something more challenging - to stretch my limits. I think in life it's important to always be growing in some way. It's not just about the physical, but about self-belief and what we feel we're capable of in life in general.

    Dave and I are training for a half-marathon now. It's our first one and we plan on running sometime in October when it's cooler. That should give us seven months to get our butts up and ready. After we had Mikayla, we’d both been worked out very sporadically. Now that we’re back in Hoboken, we joined Club H and it has great childcare. It also has a special - $150 for 50 childcare visits up to 2 hours! That's $3 a gym visit. We go to the gym all the time now and it’s such a relief! Ineeded my gym time back, it's like getting 2 hours of time to myself - all for me!

   We decided to train for a half marathon for two reasons: One - my friend Jenn is a marathon runner and inspired me to try for it. She said eighty year olds can do it and I’d never feel the same about myself after finishing. I promised her that I'd train for the half-marathon and then decide about the real marathon. Second, when we don’t have a goal to shoot for, our workouts lose their edge. We need a future to live into that would motivate us to push harder in the present. Just working out for the sake of working out wasn't motivating enough. We needed something where we could potentially be embarrassed if we don't train! Nothing like fear to motivate a person to work harder!

   Dave is also planning on doing some race called the "Tough Mudder", where one has to swing on ropes and run.   I don’t know if I can log three to four hour runs with work and our daughter, but we’ll see. The half marathon should probably take us only a few months to train (I think?) and we’d only have to log two hours runs. That's completely feasible to me right now. I can do that.

     We’ve been doing cardio five days a week for the last four weeks. I’m amazed at how slowly we’re increasing the mileage. We can both run three miles on the treadmill, but when we ran outside – we could barely run a mile without stopping to walk! Running on the treadmill is nothing like running outside! We compensated this week by increasing the incline to 0.5 and that seemed to work. Now we can barely run a mile on the treadmill too!

   Dave used to play soccer and lacrosse, so I’m sure once he gets back into it he’ll get his muscle memory going, but my muscles have no memory! It may take me longer since my muscles are building from scratch.

     I’m getting a newfound appreciation and respect for how strong one’s legs have to be to run miles outside. I have an infatuation with all runners now. I think they’re so cool! You know who you are. My sister-in-law Jackie ran a half marathon recently. She didn’t even train for it. She just went with a friend and ran. Granted, she was a college field hockey player, but wow – she is in amazing shape. She’s got these crazy muscular legs that look great! They’re athletic, but still feminine. My other friend Jenn ran 3 marathons in three hours and twenty six minutes! Her legs are so slender and lean that I would have never guessed she had that speed. She has that long, toned gazelle look that I hope I get.

   Regardless of how much training I have ahead of me, this is fun! I’m starting my fifth week of running. I’m cross training with the elliptical and zumba classes. I can still barely finish a mile outside without walking at least once in between and my legs are tired almost every day of the week, but it’s so fulfilling! I used to be a person who slept at least nine hours every night and loved my beauty rest. Now, I’m starting to notice that I need less sleep. My eyes spring open after seven and a half to eight hours. This is unheard of for me. I’m feeling more energetic despite my tired legs every day. I feel stronger in mind as well as body. I still have a long way to go to run 13.1 miles, but every time I improve even a little bit, I feel great. It feels like it’s translating over into other parts of my life. I walk around feeling healthier, stronger, and happier. The whole thing about exercise releasing endorphins is all too true. Right after an early workout, the whole day seems to already be complete. Everything else I do seems like a bonus. It’s an empowering context to live life from.

   Dave and I bought new sneakers, the Brooks Adrenaline sneaker for those with low arches. It feels much better! Who knew that a sneaker mattered so much? My hips aren’t aching anymore after a run. We went to the gym six times last week instead of five. We’re addicted to it. I think about it all day – what should I eat to improve muscle development and energy? We should turn in early so we can squeeze in some gym time before work. Let’s walk to the movie theater on the other side of town and get some cross training recovery work squeezed in. I totally get why people are addicted to running!

   I want to join the Hoboken running club, but I can’t run three miles outside yet without walking. It sounds so wimpy even as I say it. I feel like an out of shape newbie. However, my friend Jenn told me she’d coach me to improve quickly. She said within a few months I’d be running many miles outside. I read an article in Runner magazine that talked about mothers who ran marathons while raising their kids. One woman wakes up at 4:45am so that she can run ten miles before making breakfast with the kids. Amazing! She must feel amazing when looking at her body in the mirror. I love runners’ legs. I stare at everyone’s legs now when I walk down the street or in the gym. You can always tell who runs – they have very toned legs with strong calf muscles. Their thighs are always so streamlined looking. The symmetry is gorgeous. I aspire to have legs like that. My best friend Melisa used to have such muscular calves from running that she had trouble zipping up her knee high boots!

   [amazonshowcase_6e002e75e39f72c206ba765c900c247a] I may be running barely a mile outside right now on March 22, 2010, but I signed up for a 4 mile run with Julia and I intend on being able to run the entire way. Then after that a 10K, then the half marathon. I will do it...eventually.   We watched Prefontaine and Saint Ralph – great movies about runners. I highly recommend Saint Ralph especially – about a 14 year old boy who trains for the Boston marathon in hopes that the miracle of him winning will wake his mother from her coma. It’s inspiring and funny! The main actor who plays Ralph Walker is quirky and endearing. Well, gotta go run now. I’ll keep you updated on my progress.

Our Weekend at Landmark Education - Part 2

2010-03-20T04:52:00.001-04:00

   I’m completely annoyed. I wrote a nice, detailed description about what happened last weekend at the Communications Course at Landmark Education – and then as I hit the save button on the blog site. The website server conked out and I lost it all! Now I had to rewrite the whole thing. We also had to send in a complaint because my blogsite would only come up on the internet after hitting refresh five or six times. Well, that aside - here’s the 2^nd version…

     When I was eight years old my family and I were on a “business” vacation in California. This meant that it was really a business trip, but my brother John and I came along because we had a free hotel and it was better than paying a babysitter to watch us for the week. It was summer and the hotel had a big swimming pool. My parents were gone most of the day for business, so I swam in the pool a lot with my brother or alone.

     On this day I was swimming alone near the edge of the pool. I came up next to an old lady with short white hair, a one-piece black bathing suit, and a big belly. She was leaning against the wall with her big, brown sunglasses watching everyone with a tight-lipped expression. I swam within a few feet of her and then went underwater to kick off the wall of the pool. I wanted to see how far I could go without coming up for air. When I surfaced I saw that the old woman was waving me over from the edge.   I swam over to her wondering what she wanted when she immediately began scolding me.

     “You knocked my watch in the water!”

     “I did?”

     “That was a very expensive watch! Your hair knocked it into the water when you went under.”

     I didn’t know what to say. I was confused. I hadn’t felt anything snag on my hair. I was also scared because a grown up was angry with me, and my parents had always taught me that elders were to be respected.

     “Give me your room number. I’m going to need to talk to your parents.”

     I gave her my room number then quickly left the pool. I wanted to get away from that old woman. I couldn’t understand how my hair would have caught her watch when I hadn’t even been that close to her.

     Later that evening, the old woman called our hotel room. My Dad picked up. He looked confused at first, then angry.

     “Are you trying to cheat my daughter?!! Go ahead call the police! I’ll tell them you’re trying to scam a little girl. Don’t call here again!”

     My Dad looked at me with an angry look on his face and asked what happened. I told him everything. He shook his head disapprovingly.

     “Why’d you give out our room number!”John said. “She was trying to cheat you. She’s a scammer.”

     I felt stupid and ashamed that I’d been tricked. My father looked so disappointed with me. My brother looked mad. I didn’t like it.   My whole body felt stressed and sick. I decided that day that I would never allow myself to be tricked again and if I was – I’d hide it from my family.

     As a thirty-one year old adult, I’m still hesitant to tell my family about mistakes that I make. Over the weekend I learned how to dissipate the emotional charge around incidents that were constraining me today. I won’t get into the how of it, but it worked. We found “originating incidents” and worked them out with the exercises. I won’t say that I’m 100% free now, but a great deal of it was alleviated. I felt lighter by the end of the first day. A lot of baggage that I didn’t even know I was holding onto dissipated. I didn’t even remember that these incidents had affected me so much until she asked us certain questions like: When was the earliest time you felt your communication wasn’t heard? When was the first time you withheld a communication? These questions were hard to answer at first. I couldn’t quite remember, but a series of memories came up - the upsetting memories. Through the day I realized that even though I couldn’t quite remember everything that had happened – they did sway many decisions I made on a daily basis of what I would share and how I would be with people in my life. I let go of the invisible restraints that I didn’t know I was holding onto.

    By the end of the first day, I called my Mom. We have been arguing a lot since last year, ever since I wanted to split my Dad’s birthday dinner bill with my brother. She said I was cheap and that I should either pay the entire bill or pay the next one at her birthday. I argued that the monetary amount would be exactly the same whether I paid half here, half next time or the entire thing next time. I didn’t see the logic in making one person pay the entire thing. It was easier to pay in increments. She didn’t agree. I called her and told her what I was learning. My mother always told me I was too sensitive, that I reacted to her very defensively. I always told her it was because she trained me to defend with all her attacking criticisms. Today was different. I shared with her everything I had learned. I promised her that from now on I wouldn’t react defensively to things that she said. I promised to get her communication whatever it was. We ended up having a great talk and she ended the conversation by saying that she loved me and promised to be more careful with how she talked to me too.

     I even had difficulty in writing about things that I thought were too personal. That’s why I took the course over the weekend. I don’t want to hide anything anymore. If I want to be a memoirist/blogger – I have to be willing to hang it all out there.   This blog was difficult for me to write. This one feels more personal than the rest. Probably because it has to do with me and my issues, not just things are happening around me with others.

     Dave and I signed up for another course –Wisdom Unlimited. We decided that whenever we aren’t involved in a personal growth class for very long – our lives seem to fall into a repetitive cycle.   We start to get too comfortable with the same routine and goals we set for ourselves fall to the wayside. We didn’t sign up for an ordinary life. We don’t want ordinary goals. The Wisdom course is about fun, play, and ease – using fun and play to take all games in life to the next level. We could use more fun in our lives. I think we take life too seriously sometimes and need to look at it all as a game. I got a lot out of this weekend. I noticed this last week that I felt more open. I was saying things I normally wouldn’t say to people and when they talked I felt like I could just listen peacefully. The whole communication thing in general felt more relaxed and peaceful. Even though I can’t pinpoint exactly what was making it not as relaxing before. If you had asked me I wouldn’t have said I wasn’t relaxed, but now that I’m more relaxed I can say I wasn’t as relaxed before. Am I making sense? Well, bottom line – I feel freer and lighter. My husband and I aren’t arguing anymore and I had some really great deep chats with my mom, dad, brother, and friends that I wouldn’t have if I hadn’t taken this. That’s all for now.

Our weekend at Landmark Education

2010-03-15T15:13:00.001-04:00

     Dave and I took the Communications Course: Power to Create at Landmark Education over the weekend. Why? We weren’t feeling connected recently. We had been having a hard time since Mikayla was born, but it was actually worse last week. Usually, we’d bicker a little and be happy a lot. This week it felt like we were going around in circles and it was getting heated. When we first got together we made an agreement that we would never be ok with having an ok relationship. We wanted to live an extraordinary life and we had committed to doing whatever it took to make that our reality. We wanted to feel alive and fulfilled everyday – bursting with fruit flavor! Some people might think that’s too idealistic, but it’s a worthy goal to commit to. Why not play that game?

     This last week Dave admitted to me that he never thought much about his own happiness. He said his life was focused on responsibility and duty. One duty was making succeeding in his career. The other was making his wife happy. I know – sweet, right? Sweet it may be, but ironically, it was having the opposite effect. His idea of making me happy was to go along with whatever I felt like doing. He said luckily, we had such similar interests in movies and activities that he never ended up doing something he really didn’t like. Every weekend I’d ask him what he wanted to do – he’d have no input, so I’d ask him if he wanted to do something I wanted to do. He’d agree. This happened almost every weekend.

   Now, I haven’t been the happiest since we had a baby either. We made the triple mistake of moving away from Hoboken and all the things we love to do, living in a town in which we had no friends, and buying a townhouse out of our price range so we couldn’t afford to do much besides sit at home and watch TV. We trapped ourselves with our choices. Looking back I think – what were were thinking?!!?

   Now we’re back in Hoboken and have paid off one of our loans. We have some breathing room. I joined a Moms group and salsa class. I’ve made new friends. We both joined the gym and work out regularly again. I’m happier now. I’m in a better place to support my husband’s happiness.

    I gave him a homework assignment. I asked him to stop doing what I wanted him to do and to start looking at what makes him happy and gives him balance from work. He started doing that last week. Dave said he noticed he didn’t have much time to devote to anything big – with Mikayla and work he was limited in what he could do. He ended up not finding much. He just noticed that he liked working out, especially running in the morning before work. He had more energy in the day. He also liked Network Spinal Analysis with Dr. Stralka. It relaxed him and he was sleeping more easily. That was about it.

   That’s when we decided to sign up for the Communications Course this last weekend. Dave wanted to work on his communication skills for work. I felt like we were both in a communication rut.   I was frustrated because I didn’t I didn’t like that we felt disconnected. We are usually really close and share an intimacy that I cherish. I didn’t like that it wasn’t there anymore and decided to see what was missing in our communication. People raved about this course saying that they stopped communicating in old patterns that were ineffective. I hoped it would do that for us too, but I couldn’t help feeling resigned. We’d been in our rut for months. (To be continued)

Lent with Immaculee

2010-03-11T04:07:00.000-05:00

[caption id="attachment_410" align="alignleft" width="300" caption="Meeting Immaculee Ilibagiza 3/7/10"][/caption]

My family and I met Immaculee Ilibagiza during Lent. I am convinced that she will be canonized as a Saint. It's not everyday that you meet a being that has such a strong spiritual connection to God that can cause miracles in the face of a genocide. This woman's story (Left to Tell) has personally affected me deeply and changed my faith in God from one of occasional devotion to one of deep, daily intimacy.   I am better for it. I thank God for sending her to give us her story. Some of the things that have happened to me since hearing about how her faith in God saved her from genocide - are that I now go to church every week. I joined a prayer group and a Christian Moms' Group. I pray everyday and forgive people with much more ease.    The gears of life have become oiled with grace and run much more smoothly.

    Immaculee had a very loving and humble spirit when we met her. She looked us right in the eyes and took her time to speak to us. It felt like we were just meeting a very kind friend. I marveled at her ability to be present and personal with us right away.

     "Hi!" I said. "Your book changed our lives."

      "Really?" Immaculee said this with authentic surprise and humility. As if she wasn't a famous bestselling author and speaker.   For some reason, I felt my eyes welling up with tears and I looked away trying to hold them back.

     My sister-in-law Jackie spoke to her next. I didn't hear what she said, I think she agreed with the sentiment. What I did notice was that her eyes were tearing up as well, which made my eyes tear up again!

   Then Immaculee grasped my hand and smiled. She saw that we were both very moved by who she was and what we knew about her life. I couldn't help but be inspired by someone who had forgiven people who had killed her family. I was awed in her presence. I was humbled. She had God shining out from her eyes.

[amazonshowcase_be127b04b0870a313bc3353ddf3e89c6]

     I didn't hear what my mother-in-law Susan said next to her - something about how she had given a copy of Left to Tell to everyone she knew.. I was unable to hear anything else because I was focused on Immaculee. The next thing I heard was, "Come to Rwanda!"   Immaculee hosted pilgramages to Kibeho, Rwanda - where the Mother Mary had appeared in the 1980's.

   "Ok!" I said. "We'll hang out!"

   She laughed, "Yes we will. It's sad you go on the pilgrimage for ten days and become friends with so many people. Then afterwards you don't see them again."

    I nodded in agreement, but then we had to leave the line - other people were waiting. I want to be Immaculee's friend. Who wouldn't? I also want to be Liz Gilbert's friend and Tina Fey's, but that doesn't mean that it can't happen!

Update

2010-03-01T17:52:00.002-05:00

I just read a comment on one of my posts suggesting that I not base my decision to have a second child on my parents' desires. I thought about it for a while and after a few days realized she was right. Thank you commenter! I realized that I was doing it for them and because I was afraid of my mother's reaction to my telling them I was going to push back the time again. I'm thirty-one years old and am afraid of my mother's reaction. In my defense, you don't know how she can get! She'll keep bringing it up, and up, and up. Then have bouts where she gets mad at me for my decisions! Ugh! I'm going to wait until October to tell her - after she notices that I'm not pregnant and I have to admit it.

A commenter inspired me to do what I wanted to do. I am not ready to have another baby yet. I had my 2nd salsa lesson today with my friend Julia. It was so much fun! I wouldn't be able to dance for months if I got pregnant. I was a tired, heavy whale with back pains during my last pregnancy. I have a very clear memory of feeling exhausted and uncomfortable. I'm currently training for the 5K, running four times a week. I love it! I feel so healthy and fit lately. If I got pregnant I'd have to start all over again. I will do it - I'd just like to be in better shape so I don't feel like I'm going level one to two, only to start over at one again. Man, I really wish I could have a second baby without having to get pregnant. Why can't I just grow a baby in the hospital - pick it up when it's done. Just kidding...I did enjoy being pregnant 50% of the time. It's a miraculous feeling despite all the peeing.

    I'm just relieved that we chose to face my mother's grief by delaying the pregnancy.   I really didn't want to have a second child in our fourth floor walk-up and one bedroom. It could have been done, but it would've sucked big time.
    Anyway, on another note - my brother went on a date with the girl he'd met on an online dating site.  They talked for weeks and he liked her. I hadn't seen him that positive over a girl in a long time.

   I learned in the PAX Programs http://www.understandingmen.com/ - that men are either attracted to a woman or not. There's no wiggle room in there like there is for women. Men have two kinds of attraction: "sexual attraction" and "charmed and enchanted". Each one produces a specific response from men. The "sexual attraction" obviously makes men want to have sex. The "charmed and enchanted" - causes men to care for, provide, and protect. It could be like a sister, mother, or dear friend. It is mutually exclusive from the sexual feeling. The course said that men only want to date women with whom they feel both kinds of attraction.

   They said that the major difference between men and women is that women can eventually grow to be sexually attracted to men that they initially don't feel physically attracted to, while men cannot. They either like your brand of cereal or they don't. That's why they suggest only going for men who dig on your brand. Find those men and then take your pick. Never chase after someone who doesn't seem into you - or you're in for a lifetime of trying to please and not equipped for the job.

    I met my husband and didn't get attracted to him until four months afterwards. I have no idea why - since I'm completely attracted to him now. He is completely my type too, so why the initial attracttion delayed is a mystery. I actually think it was God helping me because when I'm physically attracted to a man I can't be myself. I get all twitter-pated and start acting like a nervous retard that's too self-conscious to be myself. Which, I suspect, is why the men that I always felt a "chemistry" with - never liked me back.

     Well, my spiritual book club turned out to be great too. We're all reading a book called, How to have a Mary Heart in a Martha World.    It's about how to balance a spiritual life with the daily grind. The women are really nice and we started sharing about personal things in our lives right away. I really like that!   I like to share about real things and air out dirty laundry. We all have some. It's ludicrous to pretend we don't all have it. So suffice to say, it was nice to meet some local neighbors who had kids, were spiritual, and wanted to share about life. You got to have some relationships like that.

     Anyway, that's about all for now. Just a quick    update. My mother is back from Hawaii. Luckily the tsunami bypassed them!   I'll be able to continue her saga. If you find it boring - sorry. I want to log her life so I can tell my daughter about her maternal line someday. Just read a book called, Wild Swans that does that. A grandmother, mother, and daughter living in China - told from the daughter's perspective. Sidenote - thank God I didn't live in Mao ruled China. Scary. We truly are lucky to live in this country. Yay democracy! Yay capitalism!

Random Thoughts on a Snowy Day

2010-02-26T06:55:00.000-05:00

[caption id="attachment_319" align="alignleft" width="300" caption="Grandpa and Mikayla at Dinner"][/caption]

Mikayla calls my Dad, "Daddy" in Korean or "AhPah". It's easier than saying Grandpa in Korean, which is Hal-ahboji (that's as close to phonetically spelling it as I can. She prefers to sit on his lap over mine. Basically, Grandpa is her favorite person in the world. This doesn't bother me. I actually think it's cute how much she loves my dad.   I think he needs it anyway. My Dad needs to be someone's favorite, so my Mom and brother all encourage the fact that Mikayla favors him. Although, sometimes he gets a little full of himself - He asks us to call Mikayla over just so he can see her say no to all of us and stay with him.

   I just read an blog from another Mom who said she didn't want her kids to stay away from her for more than a day because she'd miss them. I thought, wow - my daughter stays at my parents while I work 2 days a week. I actually like it a lot.   I get shopping done, go to the gym, and get some romance time in with the hubby. I think the cultural conditioning part of me wonders if that makes me a bad Mom. The other side of me says - It's normal to want to balance in time for myself. To each her own.

     This snow... it is really pretty, white, and fluffy - and totally messing with my social plans! I had things to do today. A much needed playdate and a game night at a friend's house later in the evening. My friend Katrina says she always starts to feel down at the beginning of March. I think I can see why - it's really getting to the point where we've all been in the freezing cold, less sunlight, and snow for long enough!

    Did you know that December 21st is the shortest day of the year? After that each week brings on 8 more minutes of sunlight. I have been tracking when the sun sets ever since December 21st. This week the sun sets around 5:50pm.   After daylight savings ends - in about 2 weeks, the sun will set at 7:00pm! People are like plants! We need the light!

   I feel bad. I was complaining to my husband last night. I hate being a complainer, but it was just coming out. The cold weather, snow, and being trapped in my apartment with no Mommy-socializing time does that to me. I complained about the winter, the lack of social activites, and him. I was complaining to him, about him and he just listened to me. He's good like that. He took it like a champ. Granted, I was speaking pretty calmly like I would about the inclement weather, so it was probably easier to hear that if I was this cranky banshee. Still, I was complaining about him and I felt badly afterwards.

My complaints about him were:

1. I said, "Last week when it was raining, you didn't wait for me after prayer group. You went out of the building with the one umbrella we had and I had to chase after you in the rain. Even the guys behind us said, 'Hey that guy just walked out and left her in the rain.'"

2. Last night I was busy cleaning up the dinner I made for us before we could leave for a movie.  He complained to me, "I'm always waiting for you." (That hit a sore spot because personally, I feel that he should clean up his own dishes after I cook.)

3. We visit his friends' bachelor pad, which was pretty messy.  My husband says, "You should get yourself a woman to clean this place up." Underlying message? Not cool.

4. When I go grocery shopping I'm grateful that he helps me carry them up the four flights of stairs, but then he just putters off onto his computer and leaves me to put them all away.

    Don't get me wrong - I may have just listed things that bug me, but overall he is a great husband. This is the worst it ever gets - and it's not too bad. I was very cranky last night. Having said this, let me continue....

    So Dave listens to me complain about him patiently. Then says, "Ok, I'm sorry I wasn't thinking when I did those things. I'll be better about it. But, now I need you to tell me things you like about me because otherwise I'll just feel drained."

    "Ok fine...I find you physically attractive."

    "No, come on! That's not enough. I just listened to you complain about me for a while. I need more than that."

   "...I like that your sense of humor and that you let me vent to you about things that bother me. And I like your taste in movies."

    "Ok, that's better."

    "I like that you always get along well with people, especially your coworkers. You're peaceful and nice to be around."

   "All right. I feel better now. See? That wasn't so hard was it?"

    "And I do find you sexually attractive."

    He laughed at this.   I even felt better after this. It got me out of my cranky mood. I made him a promise that I'd give up all complaining for Lent. I've already given up meat, caffeine, and regular tv. (Netflix doesn't count - a person's gotta have something!)

    My husband is a sweetheart, sometimes an inconsiderate sweetheart, but he's all good intentions.  If I ask him - he does always help. He's just a little bit like Ray Romano in Everybody Loves Raymond at times. I don't know if I'm alone in this Ladies, but when a man offers - isn't it such a better feeling than if we have to ask him to do something. I'm talking about things like helping us carry heavy things and saving us some food just so we can taste it when we go out to eat. It's like juicier somehow.  Gentlemanly. Infinitely more satisfying. Am I right or am I right? And I like to think that I choose to cook and clean for him because I love him and not because I have some obligatory female role to play into.   I'd like to go on strike one of these days and clean nothing and cook nothing. Honestly, I don't think he'd mind.

   Well, I now give up complaining about my husband or to my husband about anything until Easter Sunday. It's the least I can do for him listening to me and being so agreeable. I know I'm not always a peach to be around either. He's the calmer one in the relationship. I'm the dramatic one.   I've dated men who were more like me and that just does not work. Every relationship has to have a calmer one. It's funny his whole family is on the calm, laid back side and they all married others who are more like me - more exciteable. Ok, that's enough snowy day pondering.  Mental note - always plan a warm, sunny vacation at the end of February.

[caption id="attachment_332" align="alignleft" width="300" caption="Daddy & Daughter slothing on the couch"][/caption]

YES adventures - continued

2010-02-22T18:46:00.000-05:00

                               I'm taking a little break from my Mother's story because she went to Hawaii and I need her to tell me what happened next. Also I fulfilled on a few more YES agreements this past week that I wanted to blog about. I took my first salsa lesson tonight. I had seen a flyer on a billboard in town for www.HobokenSalsa.com - It was really fun! The teachers were nice and the atmosphere was relaxed. The other beginners and intermediate students were really friendly and helpful too. I even ran into a girl that I went to Rutgers with.

     The instructors did a little demo of what salsa looks like when we mastered everything. It was so cool looking!  What a twirling, rhythmic good time! I can't wait to go back and get good at it. I would love to be able to spin around to music like that. Dave said he'd go too so we could do it together. There's nothing sexier than a man who can dance well and move his partner with confidence. Well, at least I think it's sexy. It would be so cool if my husband could do that. Dancing has always been one of the ways I could feel free. I can't always say everything I want to, but dancing has always made me feel like I was expressing everything without saying a word. It's liberating and exhilarating. I went in there tired and came out energized and excited. I highly recommend it if you love dancing.

   I also took my first Korean lesson last night. I had a private tutor named James come to my place. I found him on craigslist. He was funny and engaging in his teaching style. It didn't feel like work. I learned a lot about why my parents act the way they do!  My parents and I have had conflict my entire life over things that seemed very trivial to me, but James actually explained to me a great deal of what the grief was all about in the first hour! For one thing, Koreans are very rigid and authoritarian. Anyone that is your "elder", meaning one year older than you, has the authority in the relationship and you must follow certain rules of respect. You are never to interrupt them or ask them too many questions. If your "elder" thinks you're wrong about something, you are to apologize and then listen for why you're wrong.   You may not justify. It's rude. (I always used to justify.) If they're a number of years older, then you aren't supposed to even make eye contact when they speak to you. You keep your eyes down and your hands in your lap. Keep your conversation very short. Less is better.   Never address elders by their first names. I remember my Mom was horrified when I told her that I called my mother and father in-law by their first names.  I told her that they had asked me to, but that didn't make her feel better at all.   She gave me grief about that for weeks. I was dismissive to her saying that in America it was ok and she was overreacting again. But understanding the context of her behavior really allowed me an access to having more compassion to her feelings. Before I thought of her as dramatic and critical, but this lesson in Korea's strict culture gave me much understanding. She was really just trying to make me look good. In a way she was protecting me. It's funny - I didn't realize that learning just the language isn't enough to communicate with a person. One must also really understand the context of the world that they live in. Stay tuned on that adventure...

        I also started running for the 5K I agreed to do with my brother. I was never a big athlete or runner. My parents frowned upon sports and didn't approve of me doing anything but studying. The most I ever ran to date was 3 miles and that as before I got pregnant three years ago. I went to the gym to run this past week. The first day I couldn't even run a mile without stopping. I felt out of shape and weak. By the fourth day I ran two miles and it wasn't too difficult. I guess muscle memory is kicking in!

    I found this cool site called www.DailyMile.com on a blog called The Amazing Adventures of Diet Girl. It's cool - like Facebook for runners. You can update how much you've run and share your progress with your friends. I had a nice stranger-lady cheer me on and say that she knows how it feels to try to get back into shape after having a baby. Thanks lady! That really helped my morale.

   Me, Dave, and my brother are going to do the 5K in April then a 10K in September. That seems hard. To run 6.2miles without stopping is 3.2 miles more than I have ever run. We'll see what happens. My friend Jenn who has run three marathons has agreed to be my running buddy. She wants to run outside.  I have no idea how I'm supposed to keep up. I'd really prefer we run on treadmills together. She insists that outdoor running is the best. I try to impress upon her how little I've actually run, but she assures me it'll be ok. I'm picturing myself gasping for air, miles behind her.

     Lastly, my prayer group meets tomorrow and my book club meets on Wednesday morning. Ok, so I haven't actually done those yet, but I have my books and I've read my chapters for the prayer group. I hope it's as cool as I want it to be.   I've been looking for a good spiritual path to further my growth. I don't want to just read books and try to do things on my own.   A community always helps to push one beyond anything one could do on their own. Stay tuned...

My Mother & The Korean War - Part 3

2010-02-19T12:07:00.000-05:00

Finally, my grandmother and mother made it to Chungju. The family reunited at the eldest sister’s home and lived with her family for a few weeks. Soon after they settled in my mother remembers hearing that the North Koreans were coming again and going to reach Chungju within a day. The family hurriedly prepared to flee again. They put pig’s meat into soy sauce to salt the meat so that it wouldn’t spoil. They didn't know how long they'd have to be on the run. My mother felt safer because the family was together this time. This time she hoped they wouldn't be separated.
     The people of Chungju walked for days up into the deep mountains nearby. Then they came down on the other side into a small valley. It was a very deep mountain with fresh water. The valley would protect them from the guns being fired on the other side. There were about seventy people living there in that valley camp. The men built cabins with the axes they brought. Some people also brought cows and other livestock. They brought blankets and whatever else they could carry from their homes. They planned to stay there until the gunfire stopped. The sound of guns and bombs went on for days and days.
     My mother remembers during their stay in the valley wanting to eat fruit and vegetables badly, but they ate only meat and rice for weeks. She craved something green and fresh. There was some vegetation in the mountains and the people would eat what they found. My mother couldn’t remember what it was, only that it was a plant and that the elders knew it was safe to eat. The people drank fresh water from the small streams nearby. It was summertime so thankfully they weren’t cold.


One night while the people were sitting around the fire, the people heard low growling coming from the forests. They realized it was the sounds of a tiger! Tigers were known to live in the mountains. The men grabbed axes and braced themselves. The women and children hid in the cabins. The growling noise terrified the people. They were certain they would be attacked at any moment.


Then a large bull that a family brought started going berserk. It made loud growls and started bucking and hawing fiercely. The bull bucked like that for a while. Then after it went silent, the people heard nothing coming from the forests. The bull must have scared the tiger away. Just to be safe, the men took turns on watch until morning.
After the growling incident, the people were afraid of tiger returning. They built two cabins that were atop poles about one foot high. Then they made a fence to surround the cabins. Everyone slept together in the fenced cabins and the men took turns every night guarding the people while they slept. (To be continued)

My Mother & The Korean War - Part 2

2010-02-14T10:30:00.000-05:00

     There was a mass panic in the streets. The sound of guns firing could be heard in the distance.   The crowds were rushing through the streets to the only bridge crossing the Han River. My mother saw families separated and trying to find one another. Mothers and fathers were screaming their childrens' names.

     “Moooommm!” A frightened looking little boy screamed. He stood alone in the street crying amidst the chaos.

    My mother clung as tightly as she could to my grandmother’s hand. She felt sorrow for the boy and prayed that he'd find his parents. My mother’s family ran as fast as they could toward the Han River. They got there only to find that the bridge had already been destroyed. They learned from other stranded people that the South Korean police had destroyed it themselves only a little while ago to keep the northern invaders from crossing the river and entering into the rest of the country. The main government and businesses had already fled across the bridge to Busan in the southern region of South Korea. The invasion had begun at 5am and the bridge had been destroyed only a few hours later.



My mother couldn’t remember how, but she said that her oldest brother talked to someone and got passage on a boat. The family was able to cross the Han River. All the people who had either crossed the bridge earlier or had found boat passage to the other side of the river were now headed towards the train station to catch the last train to Chungju.

     The train was already starting to leave and my grandmother couldn’t run fast enough with my nine year old mother. My Grandmother shouted at her older children to run and go ahead without them. Grandmother shouted that they’d go by foot and meet them at their oldest sister’s house. My mother’s older brothers and sisters ran as fast as they could and caught the train. Other people jumped into trucks and cars that were leaving the city. In the chaos and scramble, there were no more vehicles left to catch. My Grandmother and my mother, along with many other parents, children, and elderly who hadn't been able to make the train, started their walk to Chungju, which was over fifty miles away.



   My mother and Grandmother walked for days. They begged for food and slept in the living rooms of kind strangers. Their only grace was that the war had started in June. It was summer and they were able to make the journey with the clothing that they had on their backs and no blankets. Food was scarce and my Grandmother would pretend that she had already eaten so that my mother could eat more. My mother is still guilty for not suspecting that her own mother was going hungry while she hungrily ate all the rice. The journey was very difficult. My Mother had no socks and her cheap rubber shoes didn’t protect her feet. Her feet blistered and started bleeding from the long days of walking. My Grandmother ripped her underskirt and wrapped it around my mother’s feet to try to keep it from hurting further. They had no choice and had to keep moving through the hunger and pain…(To be continued).

[caption id="attachment_338" align="alignleft" width="300" caption="My family @ my 1st Birthday Party"][/caption]

My Mother & The Korean War - Part 1

2010-02-12T08:43:00.000-05:00

      In the summer of 1993, I went to South Korea with my parents.  We walked up a scenic mountain trail with a guide and other tourists. There were tall maple, elm, and pine trees on either side of the trail. The tops of the mountains across the valley were covered with a light mist. We were just north of the South Korean capital, the forests and cliff-top temples of Pukansan National Park had great hiking and recreational facilities. We were one hour from Seoul, on the border with North Korea, in the truce village of Panmunjom, where the 1953 armistice negotiations took place. Access is possible only on an official tour, which we were on. My mother pointed across the valleys and trees to another mountain peak far off in the distance and said, “That’s North Korea. We’re near the border now. See it?” I looked and saw the North Korean landscape.  It seemed scary, a place to be feared, even now. My mother had told me only little snippets of her childhood during the Korean War. She had been 9 yrs old at the time. I asked her to tell me more...

    My grandmother was 4 ft 11 inches tall on a good day. She was born on January 10, 1899, in Kyungki, South Korea. Her own mother had died when she was 7 years old. At an early age my grandmother had to take over all the womanly housework. The work was hard, back in those days women carried heavy things in baskets atop their heads. My mother told me that my grandmother was short from poor nutrition and from carrying so many heavy things at a young age.  Many people were poor in Korea, my grandmother’s family was no exception.  Her father was a government official in Kyungki, but they lived on a humble salary like everyone else. Their diet consisted of rice and side dishes of spiced cabbage, seaweed, and whatever else was available at the time. There was never much to eat.

     At 15 years old, my grandmother was married to my grandfather, who was 13 years old, and moved to Cheongju. In those days, marriages were arranged early by the parents. My grandmother went to go live with her husband’s family, but she did not lie with him as man and wife until they were older. She had her first baby when she was 20 years old.  Back then, my mother told me, there was no birth control. My grandmother became pregnant 12 times in her life.

   Daily life was much harder in the early 1900's and my grandmother had to work hard in the house even while she was pregnant. The rigors of her work led to some miscarriages. Some of the babies died after they were born from what my mother described as a high fever that penicillin could easily cure nowadays. My mother said that many people died from this illness. Only seven of her children survived and grew to adulthood.

    My grandfather was a principal of a middle school. According to my Grandmother, he was a warm and generous person. If his students didn’t have food for lunch, he would bring enough food to share with them. My grandmother grew to value education highly through her husband’s family and raised her kids to value it above all. She taught them that knowledge was power. No matter how hard life became or how poor they were, my grandmother always sacrificed everything to make sure that her children got as much education as they could.

    She was a devout Catholic, always going to church and putting her faith in God. Her life was spent in prayer for her children. She was always helping poor people, even when she had nothing herself. She always saved up any extra rice she could and shared it with those who didn’t have any.

     Grandfather died from the high fever at the age of 39. There were too many people sick with the illness. The medicine was expensive and hard to attain. My mother was 1 years old when her father passed. By then the oldest daughter was 20 years old and married. She lived in Cheongju with her husband. The oldest son was 17 and started a bowl making factory. It didn’t succeed due to his inexperience. He was cheated by more experienced businessmen, made bad deals, and lost a lot of money. The five younger kids were a son-11, son-9, daughter-7, son-5, daughter - 3, and my Mother - 1yrs old. My grandmother continued to live with her father-in-law and took care of him. Her father-in-law sent his grandchildren to school with what little money he had. A few years later when her father-in-law died, my grandmother moved the family to the capital, Seoul, to a one bedroom apartment. My mother remembers sleeping in the room with her family and during winter the room was so cold that a pot of water left in the corner of the room froze overnight.

     On June 25, 1950 soon after my mother had arrived at her elementary school, a huge rush of people came into the school building and into her classroom. The people were from the towns near the border of North and South Korea. They were panicked and scared as they told the teachers that the war had begun. The North Korean army was invading South Korea right now. My mother remembers seeing people of all ages in her classroom. Families had escaped to Seoul in crowds. They had all run away when they heard the army’s guns firing. The teachers turned on the radios and emergency warnings were blasting the news that the North Koreans had invaded and to evacuate Seoul immediately. The government and big businesses had already evacuated the city and were en route to Busan which was located on the Southeastern tip of the South Korean peninsula.

     Suddenly, my mother heard gun shots in the distance. The terror of the news into an urgent reality. The school was immediately evacuated and my mother ran home as quickly as she could. My grandmother and her siblings were already there quickly packing bags with baked rice powder and clothing to sustain them on the escape to Cheongju where their oldest sister lived with her husband.... (To be continued)

(This story is told from my mother's memory. It was a long time ago and she doesn't really remember how she felt at certain moments or how others felt. So I can't include those details without making them up. This is the story of her life and the story of her mother's life as best I can write it.)

[caption id="attachment_334" align="alignleft" width="300" caption="My Grandmother, Dad, and Me"][/caption]

Finding God in Hoboken

2010-02-08T09:28:00.001-05:00

   Ever since international bestseller I read the book, Left to Tell by Immaculee Ilibagiza - I've had a renewed sense of wonder at the Divine. Actually, I'm a little hesitant to admit this, but I've been obsessed with deepening my relationship to God.  A part of me can't help feeling a little nervous that people would look at me oddly if I admitted this aloud.  I'm only saying it here because a part of me still feels safe in thinking that the only people reading this are my husband, Dave and my best friend, Melisa.

    However, I just reread Eat, Pray, Love with Elizabeth Gilbert and felt relieved to hear her say the same thing. I forgot that she had unabashedly admitted her search for a deep connection to God.  I also have to keep remembering that the book was an international bestseller.  So I have to remind myself that many, many people agree with this sentiment and are interested in people sharing this desire.

     Immaculee, from Left to Tell, the Rwandan holocaust survivor, discovered God while hidden away in a bathroom for three months. She said it was the long hours and days of prayer, meditation, and fasting aka starving that brought her relationship to God to the next level. She had serious miracles happen in the face of a terrifying genocide. At one point Jesus appeared to her and told her to keep her faith in Him. He would keep her safe. God blinded the killers from finding her and the other women in the bathroom even when the killers were only a few feet away.

     The fact that these miracles happened so recently, in 1994, and that those miracles were undeniably not coincidence, but acts of providence - have changed my life since reading about it. From the outside, I seem the same. I do the same things. Inside - everything feels different.   My life has taken on a whole new different meaning and context for living.  Since then I've watched every movie I could get my hands on about God. So far I've watched: St.Francis of Assisi, Mother Theresa, Padre Pio, Jesus of Nazareth, Saint Rita, and Thirteenth Day. I've also been reading many spiritual books and joined a prayer group and a Christian book club. I'm starting with books that people recommend highly.

    My relationship to God has given me a purpose for living that leaves me fulfilled every day. A much simpler purpose than I had given myself before. A few months before it felt like something had been missing and I was forever trying to fill it with distractions: career, fitness, friends.  Now I’m focusing on how I can be more kind, forgiving, and generous than I’ve been. I’ve been actively working on having a better relationship with my parents, family, friends, and neighbors. There’s that quote by Mother Teresa, “I want you to be concerned about your next door neighbor. Do you know your next door neighbor?”    I realized I didn’t and have made an effort to talk to them lately. They’re actually really nice.

     However, it's not at the level that I want yet. It needs to go to the next level.  I'm not sure yet what that means for me.   I feel that I need to grow much more. I read a book called, Three Cups of Tea, a true story about Greg Mortenson who builds a school in for children in an impoverished village in Pakistan. He was climbing K2 when he became inspired to help a poor village. Then I read about Greg Carr who's restoring Gorongosa National Park in Mozambique, rebalancing the ecosystem while helping the local people create a tourist business. I felt moved to want to do something to contribute as well. I imagine, what if everyone tried to contribute with only five percent of their time. What would be possible?

    A part of me wishes to go on a pilgrimage to Lourdes, Fatima, and Kibeho - where the approved Marian apparitions occurred. I want to see if it feels different there. Another part of me wants to go to Elizabeth Gilbert's ashram and meditate for four months straight just like she did. I want to sit on” the palm of God's hand” through deep meditation as she said she did.

   In another lifetime, I would have loved to have been a nun, monk, or priest.   A part of me wishes to give up everything now and devote my life to Him. The other part is scared to give up worldy pleasures.   I'm not sure what's I'll do, but for now I'm just actively trying to be more loving to my family and friends.  I'm practicing forgiveness, compassion, and kindness rigorously everyday. I'm continuing my reading, research, and prayers. I'll see where it leads me. What am I meant to do to help?

     Since I've started deepening my relationship to God my life has been filled with more happiness and gratitude than it's ever been.   He is there in my life more presently than I've ever noticed before. Or maybe He's there as much as he's always been, but now I notice.

    After reading about all the different major world religions I made up my mind that God is in all of them. The details are not worth arguing over. I'm just going to believe what feels right to me and not divulge the details of what those beliefs are to anyone who seems contentious about the subject. My friend, Julia said that she read this Graphic novel called The Sandman that had an interesting take on God. It said that whatever a person believed is what he would experience in the afterlife. If he believed in reincarnation, he would reincarnate. If he believed in Heaven, he would go to Heaven.    That was an interesting notion.

    I saw on a tv show once, I think it was Ripley's Believe it or Not, but I'm not sure so don't quote me on this - a bunch of children who had memories of dates, places, and names of people who had existed tens or hundreds of years ago. There was no way that the children had access to this information that would allow them to pull a hoax. The names were very obscure and not found in just any public record. This brought up the question - Did reincarnation in fact exist?

   I read in many Catholic texts that astrology is "evil." But I was raised in an Asian culture that does not believe that astrology is evil. In fact, it's actually a useful tool to avoid negative energies or forces, the Dark Side if you will.    Astrology charts are exchanged in India to look for auspicious wedding matches and almanacs are consulted for favorable or "lucky" days for weddings and ceremonies in China. My parents told me that my daughter was born in the year of the "Fire Boar" or the "Golden Pig" which only comes around every 500 years. A very lucky sign indeed - and they are both very devout Catholics.

    I observe the rules of the religions the way I observe the rules of etiquette in different cultures. When in Rome...   My own personal belief is that I'll find out the real truth after I die, until then I can really only make conjectures, unless God decides to show me Himself. I'm interested in learning about all cultures' deities and religions. It’s fascinating. Some believe in demons, others think God is the one and only supernatural being and that all evil is created from our "human" minds.   Personally, I don't want to believe in demons or "evil" spirits. That freaks me out when I get up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night. I prefer to think it's part of the "made-up" religions. It helps me sleep. I prefer to believe in Angels. I feel happier and safer in the world when I believe this.. I think God understands.

YES #1 - Volunteering Completed

2010-02-01T12:50:00.000-05:00

It was 4:44pm on Saturday night and I was late for volunteering at my church's winter social. This was my YES #1 (after watching Yes Man with Jim Carrey and being inspired to say YES to lots of new things).  The winter social was a benefit/food drive for the poor, elderly, and homeless of Hoboken. Guests were asked to purchase tickets and bring non-perishable foods to the event.

I sat at my little kitchen table, trying to resist the urge to come up with some excuse not to go. It's really cold outside. I just got home from work. I'm hungry.   Then I felt super guilty even thinking about skipping out since it was specifically for the needy who are really hungry. With this thought, I quickly grabbed my coat and headed out the door.

    "Don't think. Just do, "Dave would say. He likes to say that whenever he thinks I'm overthinking something.   The whole point of saying YES was to be open to new things that I normally wouldn't do. I had to allow myself to guided in faith and break the mold.

    I read in The God of Miracles that God cares only about the kindness and love we give in life. In the afterlife, He shows us in our "life review" all the moments that we helped others and made them feel loved. Those are the things He gives us kudos for.   Our careers are just blips in our lives that get fastforwarded unless they have included making a difference for others like George in It's a Wonderful Life.

     I've never been much of a volunteer unless there was something in it for me - like getting to sit in on a free seminar or a guy I liked was also there. Ugly truth, I know.   But, after I saw Mother Theresa, the movie, I felt guilty about how little I truly do. Sure I help my friends when they're down and I donate change to the homeless guy on the street sometimes, but it seems so insignificant when I saw how Mother Theresa helped the poor in Calcutta. I was moved to volunteering just for the sake of helping. I could help others instead of just idling my free time away watching back to back episodes of 30 Rock or playing Scrabble with Dave. I saw how many people were in need of basic necessities such as food, while I stressed out about trivial things such as when to have my second baby.

I want to die knowing that my life review with God will be one of pride - and not the sinful kind that keeps people from admitting mistakes, but the fulfilled happiness kind. The kind of pride a parent has when seeing their child walk for the first time. I want to die knowing I was a person who made a difference wherever I was and with whomever.  I honestly don't know if I could do what Mother Theresa did.  Her whole life was spent helping the poor, sick, and disabled - sometimes only getting four hours of sleep a night. How did her love and compassion never waiver? How did she not want to go get a massage sometimes? Or take a vacation? Or at least get a bottle of wine to unwind?

   When I try to decide what to do with my life I often end up changing my mind and not finishing things I start.  I've been bouncing around without much focus my entire life. I've accomplished a few things - the biggest one being my graduation from college. I almost wanted to cut out of that early too. Saying YES to new things can open up something for me - a clearer path. Sometimes I worry if I'm doing what I'm meant to - which used to inevitably lead me to changing activities midstream. Is this God's plan for me? Am I on the right path? If I die will I realize that I didn't do half the things I was supposed to? Then I always remember the quote from Hafiz I have on a little magnet on my fridge, "This place where you are right now, God circled on a map for you." That's right - it's all His will. I'm exactly where I should be. Then I remember to breathe deeply and relax.

     The winter social was surprisingly fun. I only helped set up for about fifteen minutes because everything was pretty much finished when I got there.  The BYOB part of the event definitely made the night. We sat next to another nice, young couple who shared their bottle of Pinot Noir with us. Silly us - we only brought nips of Tequila. I don't know what we were thinking! Why didn't we bring wine? We downed our shots and then just sat there waiting for the food to be ready.    Thank goodness for the generosity of our table mates. The food was delicious - there was sausage and peppers, chicken with rice, and baked penne - all donated by local restaurants. There was a raffle and a 50/50, which we didn't win, but all the proceeds went to charity. This YES - definitely had a positive turnout and it's only the beginning.

YES MAN! PROJECT

2010-01-25T07:46:00.000-05:00

I am taking on saying YES to 52 things this year. One for each week of the year. I watched Yes Man with Jim Carrey at my in-laws house yesterday evening.   For those who haven't seen it - here's the brief synopsis:

Carl (Jim Carrey), a man whose life has reached a big career and romantic slump after his divorce, goes to a personal growth seminar after running into an old high school friend. In the YES seminar, he learns that saying "Yes" to things can open his life to new opportunities and change his negative world. Carl takes this approach on literally and to the extreme. He starts saying YES to everything! Even things he doesn't want to do and that aren't necessarily good for him - like bridge jumping, getting a mail order wife, and throwing a bridal shower.

The funny thing is - even though he said yes to some outrageous things - his life did start to open up and a lot more good than bad resulted from it.

Ok, I know it was just a movie, but it sparked something in me. Saying YES is really based on a spiritual principle. A huge benefit came from a course I took when I was single called Mama Gena's School of Womanly Arts (It was amazing and life altering - www.mamagenas.com) and the portion on dating taught us to start dating for the sake of fun and not just to look for the "One", which I was guilty of doing. We should say YES to dating men that we have absolutely no desire of commiting to as well as the ones we want to have babies with!   The principle is - if you want something in life you have to show the Universe that you are open to all its gifts.  One can't micromanage miracles and keep the floodgates of the Universe only open a slit with a detailed criteria of judgment. We have to rip open the flood gates to all the good, and some debris, and say YES!  If you want the river then you got to smash the damn.   That doesn't mean we have to date people that are creepy or weird - just that we can't judge people within five minutes of meeting them and discard them as a definite NO.

I did that. I started dating just to have fun (for once) and said YES to meeting new people. I had the most fun of my life. I went out dancing, to dinner, and hiking.   I started meeting so many men - pressure-free - for just the pleasure of their company that I was able to relax and be myself - because I didn't care if it worked out romantically! They were able to relax too. I'm sure they didn't appreciate the job interview they had to go through before.

I wasn't even interested in my husband when I met him. He was just a nice, cute guy that I didn't see a future with, but he was easy to be with and he liked a lot of the same things I did. After a few months as "friends", he grew on me, like mold.  We went to the beach, dancing, and stayed up late talking and watching movies. I'd even talk to him about my dating life!    If I hadn't spent that time with him platonically I never would have discovered that he was a really amazing person and perfect for me underneath my preconceived judgment of "He's Not the One." He was really shy when I first met him.

The same thing happened with three of my other friends - they all married men that they didn't like more than as a friend in the beginning. Only through friendship and time did they realize that these men were their "Ones".

Of course, ironically I had been looking for the "One" for 2 years and the second I started having lot of fun with dating and stopped caring about finding the "One" - I met him.  That's always the case, eh?

Well, back to my point - this movie made me realize that lately I have closed myself off since then. I always think - I have a daughter I can't, can't can't. Babysitter, blah, blah.  I decided right there to start saying YES to something I normally wouldn't - at least once a week from now on. I'm going to take what comes! I trust that the Universe will send me some new cool experiences, along with some obstacles - but I have to be open to the good and the bad.

So far, YES#1 - I said yes to volunteering at my Church's winter social. It's a benefit for helping the poor, elderly, and homeless in Hoboken, NJ. I would usually rather donate some money over my time, but this time I'm going to be daring and do both, haha!

YES #2: I've also agreed to go to Athens, Greece to visit my best friend, Melisa. She's been living there for almost 2 years and I haven't visited her yet because of budgeting concerns. Ever since we had our first child I've cut back on working a lot and we've been budgeting very carefully.

I'm going to have to dip into our long-term savings to go, but this is my only chance to go to Greece while my best friend is living abroad there.  Sometimes experiences are worth more than the security of savings. Right?

YES#3 - My brother wants to run a 5K and asked me to do it with him. I can do that by March - it's only 3.1miles. Just gotta start hitting the gym now. My fitness is not what it used to be. I can only run about 1 mile now without stopping.

YES#4 I said yes to my Landmark seminar group that I would start asking more people to hang out. Sounds easy, but I have to ask the not-easy people. In my group we had to share an inauthentic fear that we had that stopped us - and one of mine was people rejecting me. I don't usually ask people to hang out unless I'm pretty sure they're open to it. I have that memory of childhood when the kids were all popular and I wasn't. I sometimes wonder if people will think I'm "cool" enough or if they'll gracefully try to not hang out with me, so what I end up doing is - letting people ask me to hang out, unless I'm sure they'll say yes. Well, I've just asked 3 people to hang out that I normally don't. All have said yes. :)

So as I was saying - I plan on saying YES to at least 49 more medium to big things, some scary - one for each week of the year - and updating this particular blog with the new YESes. Not small,easy things like saying yes to dinner, but really things I wouldn't do on a normal basis!

In future blogs, I'll just refer to it as my YES #.

Thank you Universe - for all the good that I'm about to say YES to! I'll keep you posted!

Miracles in my Family

2010-01-14T08:45:00.001-05:00

   My family used to fight a lot when I was younger, especially my Mom and me. I'd wake up in the middle of the night to hear my parents srguing. My brother and I also used to bicker on a regular basis when we were younger. It wasn't a happy place. I used to hate going to church because every Sunday morning would be a fight between my Mom and me over what I was wearing.

"Why do you always dress like a beggar for church!" She'd yell exasperatedly.

"Why don't you pick out my outfit if everything I pick is so ugly!"

"Go back upstairs and change!"

   Then we'd go to church and I'd sit for an hour after mass waiting for my parents to finish socializing.   The drive home was an hour. It was four hours of boredom and resentment every week. I refused to go after I turned fourteen. My Mom got tired of arguing and let me stay at home.

   When I left for college, I'd rarely come home and never called.  When I did call we'd just argue. I hated summer breaks. My mother told me my junior year that they were bankrupt and couldn't pay for college anymore. I found a job as a waitress at Bennigans. I got a school loan and started living at school year round.

   After college I moved home. I was dreading it, but noticed that my Mom was different lately. She had become more reasonable. Not fully nice, but she'd listen a bit more and not lose her temper as easily. Later she explained to me that she had a dream that changed her life.

   "God came to me in a dream. He told me if I didn't change my ways I would get cancer. I begged him to spare me. I promised to change my ways and live differently from now on."

I looked at her. She was acting differently now.   She went to church more often. She wasn't as obsessed with looking good and showing off. Slowly, priorities in my family began to shift. It used to be consumed with driving nice cars, dressing nicely, and showing off as many accolades as possible. I had resented all of it, especially because I didn't have many things to show off. When I went to Rutgers, my Mom had been embarassed to tell people I wasn't going to an Ivy League school like my brother.

   "What am I going to tell my friends!" She had moaned.

   A few years later, I had a spiritual experience. I had started taking personal growth courses at Landmark Education (http://www.landmarkeducation.com/). My life started healing and I began forgiving people, like my parents. In fact, I let go of a lot of things in my past. Resentments dissipated and a joyous outlook began to color my life rosy. That's when it happened.

   God paid me a visit. I was sitting in the middle of one of my courses listening to the seminar leader speak when I closed my eyes. Then I was overcome with a sensation that I never felt before.  It was an entire mind-body experience. The only way I can describe it is that my body's energy felt elevated - to the point where I felt such calm, calmer than when I was calm. I felt peace and stillness. My mind instantly knew without a shadow of a doubt that we were all one, had always been one, and would realize this again one day.   I felt that I knew everyone in the room like we were family, and usually in my everyday life it took me awhile to get really close to people. In a moment that seemed to last maybe a minute - I suddenly thought to myself, "Wow, this is definitely not me doing this. I wonder how long it will last?" As I thought this, slowly I came back to the room and back to my conscious mind, not the one who was me, yet not the me I knew. I tried in vain to grasp at the feeling and knowing that I just had, only to come back even quicker to my self - my human self.

   I wondered, "What just happened?" It wasn't just my mind playing tricks on me. I hadn't eaten anything funny and I certainly hadn't taken any drugs. What just happened wasn't an intellectual epiphany, but a mind-body consuming awareness of truth.  I knew I wasn't who I thought I was - in terms of this world.  It was a huge shift in how I had felt the second before, completely brought on without my willing it.

   Afterwards, everything seemed different to me.  It was as I could sense what people were feeling inside as they spoke. I felt like I could feel what they didn't say.  I had a deep compassion and was connected to them in a new way. The world felt like my family.

   Before that experience, I had stayed away from church because of the bad feelings I had associated with it. Afterwards, I began to read everything about God I could get my hands on.  I read about all different faiths: Catholicism, Judaism, Hinduism, Shamanism, Muslim, and Buddhism.   I went to Buddhist meditation retreats and Reiki workshops.

   It has been seven years since that experience. My path on this Earth has diverged tremendously from where it was headed before or maybe this was always God's plan for me and I'm heading exactly where He planned for me to go the whole time. I feel the presence of God in my life all the time now. I have had other experiences of the miraculous and Divine. None so overwhelming as the day God decided to make His presence so clearly known to me, but now that I'm listening He doesn't have to. I hear even His whispers now.

    Dave and I were friends for months before we started dating.  As my friend, I brought him to my parent's house to pick up some things before we left for a day at the beach. When I introduced him to my Mom, her face lit up. She was usually indifferent or scrutinizing of any guy I brought home, but when she saw Dave, her eyes were shining and she had a huge smile on her face. She said to me in Korean, "Wooowwww, I wish you would marry someone like him."

   She had been pestering me to get married since I had turned twenty-five, and there was still some irritation on the topic, so instantly I said at her, "He's just a friend, Mom. Forget about it because I'm never bringing him home again."

     When we did start dating my Mom was so happy that she went to church to thank God and pray for our happiness. She told me later that while she was praying, a strong scent of roses filled the air and overwhelmed her. She continued to pray breathing in the heavy scent of flowers. When she opened her eyes and looked around, she saw no roses anywhere in the church and the scent had faded. She told me that it must have been the Blessed Mother that had given her an auspicious blessing on our union.

   My father had been given ancestral lands when my grandfather died. My father had been trying to sell that land for two years with no luck. When we announced our engagement, the land sold a week later!  My parents had been living in huge debt ever since I was in college and were struggling to get by ever since. When the land sold, my Dad was able to pay off 95% of the debt and pay for our wedding. I told him he didn't have to pay for anything and that we were fine with a court marriage, but he insisted. He said it wasn't for me, but for them. They were so happy with this blessing from God that they wanted to show their gratitude with a big celebration.  Plus, they wanted to show off their only daughter's marriage to all their friends instead of always watching their friends' weddings.

    My relationship with my Mom and Dad has healed tremendously over the years. We're actually peaceful now, most of the time. My brother and I also stopped fighting a few years ago. We actually hang out now. Before college, I used to be jealous of people who had good relationships with their families. I used to get teary-eyed at movies when parents and kids had heart to heart talks. After I had my daughter, my parents and I got even closer and we have those talks now.   We all share in the joy of loving and caring for my daughter.  She has solidified the remaining space between us with her presence.

Ga-Bu!

2010-01-12T05:53:00.000-05:00

WARNING: Only Moms can appreciate this blog about potty training.

   I'm just trying to start the process with Mikayla. I'm a little bit nervous to jump into it, so I'm trying to ease into it slowly. I started off by saying, "Poo poo" whenever I changed her poop diaper, so she could associate the smell with the word. She farted the other night and said, "Poo poo!" I ran to check her diaper to see if she had pooped, but she hadn't. She had only farted.

Mikayla kept saying, "Poo poo," over the next few days whenever she farted, but when she was actually pooping she'd say nothing.   Ok, she probably thinks farting and pooping are the same thing .  I saw her squatting suspiciously in a corner one day and I asked her, "Poo poo?"

"No, "she replied quickly, stood up, and walked over to her toys.

Then a few minutes later, sure enough I smelled it. She'd pooped. She had hidden herself after I left and resumed her stinky business. Ok, I get it - it's a private affair. I don't like it either when people are in the next room.  It's funny that even at that age - kids need their space.

I haven't read the potty-training books yet. I'm reluctant to start the real deal yet. Mikayla's two years and two months old. My friend Julia didn't potty train her daughter Anabelle until she was two years and four months old, so I feel like I'm not behind yet.

I heard you have to be consistent and enforce the potty-training over a period of a few days to even weeks. Although, my one friend Melissa said she did it "military style" in three days. She said her friend had told her to switch her son, Gary (who was 23 months at the time) to underwear and explain to him that he was a "Big Boy" now and there were going to be no more diapers! Then she let him poop and pee in his underwear all day. The idea was that doing it in regular underwear was much more uncomfortable then doing it in the diapers, which catch everything. Gary was so uncomfortable that he started telling Melissa when he had to go by the end of the day. By the third day he was fully potty trained!  (Again, this stuff is NOT interesting unless you're a parent. I was amazed by this story, but when I tell my childless friends about it their eyes glaze over in boredom.)

    My other friend Julia told me that she read a book called something like, Potty Training in Four Hours. The book said that you have to talk about the potty all day and put them in regular underwear as well. Then if they go on the floor you have to make them clean it up, so that they know it doesn't go there. It has to go in the potty. She said she spent the whole day focused on the potty, talking about it. She said it felt like a traumatic experience for her Anabelle because she tried to coincide the potty training on the day before their move to another apartment, but in the end it did work.

   It seems like a daunting task. I decided for now to teach her how to say fart in Korean. One, so she could at least distinguish between the two actions of farting and pooping. Second, so it'd be less embarrasing for me in case she started saying the word in public.

In Korean, it's pronounced, "Bahng - Goo". So, the next time she farted I quickly pointed to her butt saying, "Bahng-Goo! Bahng-Goo!"

She looked at me with a big smile and immediately replied, "Gabu! Gabu!

"No, Baaahhnng - Goooo," I said, enunciating as clearly as I could.

She replied slowly, "Gaaaaa - Buuuuu."

I looked at Dave, "Close enough."

Now every time she farts she says, "Gabu!" She learned it very quickly. When my husband cracks one off, she'll say, "Gabu," without even looking up from her toys. Sock is a problem though, the other day she pointed to her socks and said, "Cock."

Sacrificing my Vagina

2010-01-05T05:56:00.001-05:00

Alison (Katherine Heigl, Knocked Up) , "I've had to sacrifice my job, my youth, my vagina!"

Ben: "You've sacrificed your vagina?"

Alison: "Yes! It will never look the same ...”


    I'm totally biased, but I think having children is a bigger sacrifice for women than men. I may also be writing this because I'm currently freaking out about what to do for work when my kids are grown up. I tutor part-time now. Sometimes I imagine myself being a sixty year old tutor and still going to student's houses - the thought doesn't make me happy.

I don't need to figure this all out now - but it'd put my mind at ease. What if I put my faith in God and just have 3 kids like my heart truly wants? What if I don't even think about my career until it's time? The first thought I had after writing that last sentence was - "What if my husband dies...or worse - he leaves me for another woman!   And I'm forty or fifty with no means of supporting myself?"  Ahhh!

    Well, aside from those pleasant thoughts - I also think about the sacrifice my body has had to go through. My joints hurt so badly towards the end of my first pregnancy that I couldn't walk for twenty minutes without aching in pain for the rest of the day. I heard that it was my joints unhinging so the baby could go through. Great.
     Then AFTER labor, my lower back was hurt so badly that up to this day – I have to see a chiropractor regularly or else it locks up again and I can’t sit or stand without some pain in my lower back. I went to a physical therapist and regular chiropractor. Useless. I went to a Network Spinal Analysis doctor aka Network Chiropractor who works with the gateways in your spine. (http://www.hobokenhealing.com/, Dr. Matthew Stralka) It's the only treatment that has alleviated my backpain. Not to mention my stomach pooches out the second I eat anything! The skin is not tight like it used to be. Sigh.

     My husband is taking great care of us and I'm so appreciative that I get to be with my daughter.   Not all parents have that luxury.  My Mommy-friends are all in different places: The stay-at-home moms and the working moms. There are perks to both sides of the fence. The full-time working Moms seem exhausted from juggling career and children. One Mom I know just quit because she couldn't take the stress and lack of sleep anymore. I work part-time as a tutor and work only three days a week. It's fun and at the same time I get to be with my children without being exhausted, but I am envious that they have their career set.

    Another thing I think about sometimes - I watched War of the Worlds the other day. Now that I know I'm going to be pregnant within a few months, I watched the movie in dismay. Tom Cruise had so much difficulty running away from the aliens with his two kids who were ten and sixteen! What would I do if the end of the world really came in 2012 like they said? I’d have a six and two year old? We’d have to carry them?   I had to turn off the movie. It was freaking me out!

    My mother-in-law, Susan, said to me in an email to soothe my fears. “If you trust in God, then he’ll take care of your needs.” The basic message: Follow your heart. It's God guiding you. That actually made me feel better. It was like God completely soothed me and filled me with courage. There is something I am meant to do besides raise my children. I will be supported from within.   Follow my heart. My heart is God guiding me.

        My heart wants a second child more than it wants to solve my career decisions and have a tight stomach. My heart can face the fears of having a child during "the end of the world".

    I have such a deep and profound appreciation for parents nowadays. It's a rite of passage. A emotionally and physically challenging experience. Anyone who says otherwise never has to work and has a fulltime nanny - or is a saint.

The Secret Healed My Baby

2010-01-04T19:56:00.000-05:00

"The key to living miraculously is to love in all circumstances; to believe with an ever-living faith; to surrender beyond trust; to hope beyond hope; to release all pride; to persevere beyond endurance; and to keep our eyes on the God of Miracles." (God of Miracles, Michael H. Brown)

I had a miracle happen during my pregnancy.
In The Secret DVD, there is a woman who said she healed herself from cancer without any chemotheraopy or radiation. She used The Secret, which can really just be called Spiritual Law or faith in God. Miracles happen all the time and God is always there to support us. This woman simply started saying, "Thank you for my healing, " imagined herself well, had faith, and did things that brought her joy like watching funny movies that made her laugh.

   Miraculous healings have occurred all over the world, especially at sites where Marian apparitions have been documented, like Lourdes, Fatima, and Kibeho. It is a Vatican documented fact that there was a higher power present in these places where mass miracles occurred. The blind could see again, and travelers were healed from their injuries.

     When I was five months pregnant, I got an ultrasound that came back a bit irregular. The doctor told me that my daughter’s left brain ventricle was on the larger side. If the ventricle kept growing at its current rate, it could lead to brain problems. I had to go to CHOP, Children’s Hospital of Philadelphia, to get a special MRI. If the more powerful and detailed images showed problems then my pregnancy would have to be monitored more carefully with amniocentesis, a large needle inserted into the abdominal wall, then the uterus to retrieve amniotic fluid. Yikes!

   I did what The Secret said I should do to heal. I told no one about the irregularity. I didn’t want anyone else’s fears or worries to influence my faith. I imagined the doctors telling me that the ventricle had shrunk and saying that my baby was fine. I imagined this every day. I thanked God for the healing as if it already happened. Most importantly, I had faith and I truly believed that everything would be all right.

     At my next Doctor’s visit, he indeed told me that the ventricle had shrunk and that my daughter would be fine. :)

*** I've also had many other instances of attracting things into my life. I desired to meet my favorite inspiration speaker, Dr. Wayne Dyer. I randomly entered a contest on HayHouse.com - and won a free trip to Hawaii to see him speak at his Change Your Thoughts, Change Your Life seminar. I even got to speak to him on the radio!